When Love is Finding Yourself.
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ~ Anaïs Nin
I used to base my actions thinking, “You don’t love me, you are not mine, I have not possessed you.”
I used to go into a frenzy of expanding my circle making sure I’m filled in your absence. And I used to feel your absence like a presence — like the feeling of moss when they’re around breathing my breath.
I may have defended myself from you, acting like a jerk, telling you things you didn’t need to hear, about the Others I have no interest in and yet I let in my circle because I’m thinking anytime you ditch me, there will always be a spare. But even as I was honest about the Others, and who they were and what banal things we did so I don’t feel lonely, you should have seen that lonely was the operative word.
When you left, I was not lonely anymore.
It was a relief. Because there was nothing to think of as not being mine. There was just nothing. And the Others were shed, one by one, they felt their place in my eyes and the way I said ‘Hi’ put them there, they didn’t belong in my circle, because there was no you to fill.
But I have so much love to give, so much joy to share, you and I have so much fun together, I feel so much of your soul as you feel me. So I’m no longer availing of my defenses!
I will live an authentic life.
This is beyond being honest with you. This is about being honest with myself.
Yes, all this time, I was being honest with you. Heck, I was very faithful. I put myself out there in the waters, half-wishing someone would see me as the catch you missed, and then I will show to myself that it’s been your loss, your blindness, your confusion, your resistance to love, your constipation with receiving love, your arrogance, your need for empty praises from strangers.
And I will laugh at you and be mad as righteous hell.
But I ended up singing your praises and they ended up being your fans.
And as the soul would have it, I was shaken and stirred. I was shaken to see my very core tremble at your instance, knowing I’m not in control. Neither were you. Who was, then? And I was constantly stirred by your emotions about everything.
I can no longer deny myself who you are and what I am, so connected we are. How can you call me your home and deny I have your heart? How can you say you love me and make love to me and expect me to be a stranger or be more strange? We had every right to be scared. We had every right to have it wrong.
But now’s the time to make it right.
Here’s my prayer:
Worry no more.
Rest your worn out heart that has loved and suffered.
I’ve always seen you. And now I see me.
I know your place in my heart now. It is a truth that rejoices, it does not suffer. It is a truth that brings clarity and wisdom and is happy. It brings peace, and the tears that flow with it. I offer no resistance. I offer recognition. I acknowledge that it is there.
I will honor it. And I will honor you. And I will honor me.