I find my edge and take one more step. I fall. I get back up. I ride a train that feels like it’s speeding off into the distance, and I cannot tell where it’s taking me. I just know I have to be on this train. This One, not that one. The One that takes me to the other end of the world.
The One where my bed is empty at night.
The One where I get butterfly kisses from sleepy children.
Where I have to figure out how to save money and spend money to make money which then makes my head swell as if the numbers were running out of my ears and spilling onto the floor.
The one where I learn to love to practice yoga asana by myself because I cannot find a teacher. I’m not a guru. Where’s my guru?
The one where as an entrepreneur (fancy word for living on faith rather than a regular paycheck), I can sit and drink coffee each morning and write because I am learning to say no to the things that don’t serve me and yes to what makes me feel alive. Embarking on this ride has taken more courage than I ever imagined.
People tell me to follow my heart. But what does it really mean to courageously follow my heart and ride the flow of life? Have you ever tried to force the flow better known as the never, ever, ever give up approach?
I have a habit of, when I hear no, I think that just means not now. Sometimes when I hear no or not now, I will keep pressing. Pushing. When most people hear no, they quit. Not me. I find it just fuels my creativity. There is always a way or a way around it, often driving me forward into something even when my intuition says wait. My most memorable moments are my failings, not successes.
When forcing the flow of things feels scheming and calculating, I am learning to just walk away. Lay it down. Die to some kind of death either to self, ambition, things, habits, alcohol or whatever it is that numbs the spirit and keeps me from living the fullness of life. Cultivate self-forgetfulness where my ego disappears and my grip on life loosens, if only for a moment.
To discern the flow, I desire to become an observer of my own life and courageously listen to my soul’s messages. I find myself asking not can I do it but do I want to?
“It’s not about ‘what can I accomplish?’ but ‘what do I want to accomplish?’ Paradigm shift.” ~ Brené Brown
Am I making waves? Some people believe they are in the flow and balance of life when all things are going smoothly, when there are no problems or challenges and things just click. Without obstacles to overcome, I know I’m not making enough waves. Waves offer joyful or even painful personal expansion and open the door for great favor to come.
Does it require me to react or act? Reactions are emotional. Actions are intentional and are fueled by compassion for yourself and others.
Am I open, friendly and welcoming to the people around me? I find serendipitous moments in every interaction when I unlock my fear of what other people think about me. I am receptive to listening when I remove the heaviness of my own problems and approach circumstances as opportunities to serve. Serving gets me out of my perceived darkness and reveals my own radiance.
Is what I’m doing supporting my vision for my life? If it doesn’t fuel what makes me come alive, then I re-route my course. Get back on train. The One that fuels my desires.
Can I let go of the end result looking like I want it to? With flexibility, things will often go far better than a ridged mapped out plan.
I lay all my ambitions down for just a moment. Place them on the table and spread them out like a deck of cards. Call upon Divine intuition and try to decipher when enough is enough or when leaping into the unknown is that 1% more effort that’s required for me to reach the station where my soul’s longing waits.
Putting down my armor, I kneel with gratitude. After examining the options, the only choice left is my heart’s cry. I continue to do what makes me feel alive in the most unlikely places, even if it means I fall again.
*Retreat with Melissa, a journey on the other end of the world. Discover your own bliss and unplug in Chiang Mai, Thailand with therapeutic yoga, AcroYoga, calm and restoration.
Latest posts by Melissa Smith (see all)
- No Regrets, Just Love. - January 9, 2015
- Do You Ever Get Angry? Good. Then, You’re Human. - November 7, 2014
- A Daughter’s Letter: Living with Alcoholism in the Family. - April 14, 2014
- Be intoxicated with your own Self. - May 6, 2013
- Be still my soul: Heart Notes from Bali. - April 5, 2013