Power versus force: dancing with my shadow.
Artist: Kylli Sparre’s Surreal Conceptual Photography Influenced by Dance.
I’ve been in experiencing a creative flow like never before.
It’s been like the unrefined urge of kids — it has to be expressed, I can’t hold it back, I have to get it out — kind of creativity. It is a physical demand of expression into song, words and communication. It’s been exhilarating to touch this primal energy within. It has also been utterly exhausting to have to give in to this urge to create. And so, I wasn’t able to keep up with myself through the deepest surge of the out pour.
All this realigning with my creative divinity has brought to me all the memories of moments where my creativity was thwarted, punished, ridiculed or criticized. And there are lots and lots of those as I studied classical music for 15 years. So from the age of five, there was a lot of discipline and criticism that flowed through my being. Because of it, there are my inner children waiting to be healed from these remembered moments — old suppressed memories waiting to be seen and released.
Today I was trying to express something whilst under a load of emotional stress that had been building over the past couple of days (still recovering from the explosion of creativity from last week) and I simply couldn’t stand the sight of my creation.
I simply couldn’t stand my level (or lack) of expertise.
I couldn’t stand the thought of sharing what I saw as absolutely flawed. I felt vulnerable. I went right up in my head and out of my heart and judged everything I’ve ever created in my whole life. And I felt helpless. A rage started building inside me. I had reached the out most limit of my comfort zone; and I very clearly told the Universe so (tip: if you’re going to scream, make sure nobody’s at home and that you’ve closed all the windows and doors).
I banged my hand on the table with frustration so hard, I bruised it.
It didn’t take me many seconds to realize that this was creativity gone haywire. I saw that I was repeating an old pattern of self-harm (the bruise was no biggie, but the energy of self-harm was there nevertheless) where feeling thwarted and helpless lead to self-violence.
How could I be in the position I was in (or more correctly, perceived myself to be in) if I was all okay?
There simply had to be something wrong with me. And wrongness must be punished, rooted out, all signs of weakness must be obliterated and perfection must be installed with shining chrome surfaces and no emotions on display. It didn’t take me long to figure out where I’d learned that programming. But it was heart breaking to see that I was still willing to throw out my heart’s best intention without blinking when it came to the issue of conforming to what I thought was good enough (aka survival).
My work was cut out for me. Forgive myself. Over and over again. Forgive myself. Forgive the rage, the hurt, the weakness, the vulnerability. Forgive the self-criticism. Forgive everyone involved in the past.
Case study: what happened here?
As I created from my heart I was standing in my power. I felt good, I was sharing authentically and I was inspired. I wasn’t used to feeling this space and felt vulnerable in it. At the moment I went into self-criticism which made me shut off my power space, I became helpless and powerless. I had a strong template of multiple belief systems that told me that I was right to assume this and indeed I should ask myself what the hell I was doing.
I was not loving myself enough.
I was over-extending myself in a new space of being, feeling totally vulnerable, and subsequently I went into a back-lash from Egoville. So I started using force. I reverted back to a behavior that was familiar; a way of hiding myself from the vulnerability I was experiencing. I turned my energy against myself. I went into the anger, into the rage and I subsequently hurt myself (even if only a little bit).
Force is always born from a sense of dis-empowerment, helplessness and hurt. It’s the person who kicks their dog or beats their spouse. It’s the teenager who’s so angry at dad they cut themselves. It doesn’t matter if it’s directed outwards or inwards; same force.
Power is a sense of sovereignty. Power is knowing who you are, your value and your strengths. And being at peace with not always being first to finish.
Power says: Oh, I didn’t know life was a competition.
How funny that concept seems to me. Power is an energy that builds worlds and communities. Force, as in enforce, is always stagnant and destructive.
Force says: I’ll be damned if I’ll let anyone leave me in second place.
I don’t care about the heart, myself or other people’s feelings, this is about making the cut, surviving, nailing it. If you don’t nail it, you’re a loser. Power has patience: I’ll get there as I go forward and I’ll learn what I need to learn, when I need it. Force has no understanding: it has to be all here now, perfectly ordered and spotless and controlled (because otherwise I’ll have to face the inadequate, vulnerable place of imperfection and learning through mistakes, or the terror of falling short, full stop).
As I started forgiving myself, I had to wade through the morass of beliefs that my power was wrong, hurtful and destructive.
Since as kids we often don’t know how to wield our power wisely and seldom get guided in how to approach our power (especially girls), we don’t learn how to hold a positive space with it. Consequently we misdirect it and get punished for it.
We are made wrong for using it, touching it or even having it. We learn to go into the shadow of force as a reaction to outside criticism and suppression. We then often internalize this pattern and start enforcing it on ourselves. We think we are bad or that we always hurt the ones we love. We develop deep shame about who we are. All because we didn’t get the proper education in how to be sovereign and stand in our power.
For me this has been a rapid avalanche of a healing crisis and a wonderful (even though painful) wake-up call. The forgiveness of myself continues. I believe this is the work that will change the structure of our societies, schools and relationships forever. I want to forgive all my hurt and stand as who I am, divinely, creatively, without any labels or judgements.
I’m learning to take better care of myself. I’m learning to stand in my power. Please come and join me.
*****
{Stand in your power.}
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