Rob’s Diary: Yoga Island — The World’s First Yoga Reality Show.
“Who will survive seven weeks on Yoga Island? This is the greatest Reality TV show this Earth has dared to make! The winner shall receive enlightenment. Not just any enlightenment, but enlightenment by my very own hand!”
“Strength, endurance, guile and selling your soul are essential to conquer the toughest tantra, asana and pranayama challenges known this side of the Ganges. My famous teaching method will make you wish that you were here too. Tune in and jump online to vote.”
World Premiere of Reality TV Series, YOGA ISLAND™!
~ Live from the Caribbean ~
(Voice booms down from the sky)
And now, here’s your host and judge; the man who makes us all feel insufficient, the one and only enlightened demi-god: Rob from Rob’s Hot Yoga!
Then I conquered Primetime television. I forgot about the stampede that happens when girls see me coming; tonight it was my 20 over-excited contestants (unfortunately, no man could meet the demands of my audition). Yes some panties were thrown, but that happens even when I get a speeding ticket. From these metaphorical stone blocks, I shall chisel the second greatest yogi in the world.
We are halfway through the game. 10 girls have failed: two broken necks and one leg, four nervous break-downs, two were lost at sea and one, we have yet to understand what happened the night she stole two conch shells and walked into the jungle.
On Sunday nights, one contestant is sent home. I use the line:
“I tuned in to your karma and have no choice but to obey the laws of the Universe and send you home… (an obscene amount of time passes)… Ashley.”
Their response is standard: Tears. Hugs. Confusion. “How could it be you? You’re so connected to your inner source…” — on and on until the producer yells “Cut!”
After a pre-dawn Yoga class, my contestants record entries in their video diary. This is the tool they use to influence the viewer’s vote, so the girls put everything they have got into it. The formula is pretty much the same for all of them: make snarky remarks about how the other girls are totally fake, yogically-speaking — just sayin’, then express their deep, spiritual insights that Yoga has brought them today.
You want to know a secret? The girls I sent home were the ones most voted for. The lesson: be unattached to the outcome. Today they figured out what I was doing. Of course now I will send home the real loser.
One day last week a tropical typhoon warning was issued over the long-range radio. It was a perfect moment to bring out Stand Up Paddleboard Yoga! Our insurance agent told us that they would cover the challenge as long as there were no lightning strikes within two meters of the contestants. Despite the seriously choppy seas, the girls still tried to undermine each other’s success.
Then yesterday, they swam out to the middle of Shark Bay, floated on their backs and chanted Vedic scripture while holding fish heads. This was not a challenge that I had set: they snuck out during rest time!
Many signs indicate that there is a turning point in the show:
- Competition guidelines are not no longer being followed by the contestants.
- After the unscheduled challenge, the show’s ratings are rocketing out of orbit.
- We just lost our main sponsor, a Yoga apparel company. Unable to get out of their contract, they paid us double to not air their commercials.
- Two of the biggest multinational sponsors joined us: an energy drink and a European beer. At this stage, they are probably more appropriate.
Tonight one contestant will be sent home, leaving just two. I have arranged an exclusive live voting session for the tantra master class. When the loser of this challenge walks out of Tantra Palace, she will be given a 20-day survival kit (air-water generator, Om-powered stove, dehydrated nori, hand-folded into origami shapes by tibetan monks) and set afloat on a raft. It’s an amazing consolation prize really, to leave our shores with a free cleansing kit.
All three girls have a wild look in their eyes, and they are playing dirtier than Mike Tyson does in his dreams. My producer hid the matches and gave them body searches before they entered Tantra Palace. I refuse to have a repeat of last Monday’s disaster (someone spiked the coconut milk with roofies before the Acro Yoga challenge).
Harmony and Serenity have made it through. Their ferocity would make Kali proud. Chakra lost by only a handful of votes. She didn’t immediately see what a gift it was to leave by raft. Where’s her spirit of adventure? My last image sees Chakra on hands and knees, a football field distance out to sea, her arm extending to the shore, like her fingertips might just touch me one last time. Her tears refected the our dim light. Some people are such drama queens.
This week I am taking a page out of Gurdjieff’s enlightenment manual and getting them totally wasted.
This does, in one night, what one year of yoga training can do when it comes to revealing what is underneath that smile. At dusk we begin the Kava Ceremony, and the girls shall drink Kava Kava until they can drink (hic) no more.
It has gone feral. Harmony and Serenity have taken over the show. I had to call in 5 tech engineers to keep our website from crashing under the weight of the millions of votes that are cast every day. I am making so much m.o.n.e.y! Raaaarrrrr.
This morning I walked in to the girls’ camp when they didn’t show for Yoga class. It was empty. I found them on the beach, and by the looks of them, they were at least an hour into a Capoeira-Judo-esque catfight. After I broke it up, their breakfast morphed into a ‘last woman standing’ wheatgrass shot and arm wrestling competition. This was followed by a headstand endurance challenge that continued until lunchtime.
Too tense too eat, they skipped lunch in preference to a Yoga Dance-off, and followed that with an underwater Pranayama challenge. Finally, at sundown, I was abducted and forced into a threesome tantra marathon. Lesser men would have decided that too much of a good thing is bad.
And the winner is…
The votes are in. Fans at the Kodak Theatre are in the throes of one of the wildest parties that any Reality TV show has ever hosted. Legally I cannot tell you who won or what the hell has gone down these past 48 hours. You would not believe me if I told you anyway.
I am more surprised that Harmony and Serenity survived the journey which took a sharp turn at Crazy, and ended up stoking the Lord of the Flies campfire. Right now, one of them is trying to choose which outfit goes with enlightenment.
The second-place getter will not go home empty-handed, lucky girl. Channeling the great hipster spirit that is so popular today, we are sending her to Mongolia to seek enlightenment the way it was done before it was cool. She is going to love it!
Rob is a world renowned yoga teacher and extremely enlightened. He owns the franchise Rob’s Hot Yoga (registered trademark) and is in constant demand for male modeling, calendar photo shoots, TV appearances and master classes. Rob is the go-to private teacher for celebrities and presidents. He is the spiritual advisor to Russian President Vladimir Putin, ex-French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his spiritual brother, ex-Italian President Silvio Berlusconi. Rob was the quality control officer for the President of Libya’s all-female guard, until Kadaffi inexplicably stopped calling in 2011. Currently he is opening an all-women’s ashram franchise in coming months. Follow Rob’s Hot Yoga on Facebook and be a part of Rob’s life!
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