Yoga & Running Togetha 4 Eva.
Please do not screw up my letter and feed it to your hamster again. I know I don’t deserve a second chance after I told you in front of my class that you were as interesting as Nature Music on mute.
And you probably saw that post on Facebook — the one that went viral — that said, “Running is the color grey for blind people!” and I put your picture behind it.
I overheard a few girls talking about you at the sportswear store yesterday. It seems a lot of people are really into you these days, even a lot of talk about commitment. I probably felt a little jealous. It was a total shock that I got thrown out for yanking the girl’s eyebrows! Like it was a big deal.
Since then I have not stopped thinking about you.
Runnie! Remember I gave you that nickname in Acapulco after you ate those blue corn Tostadas? You were so cute and poorly.
You have no idea how hard it is to be the most popular style in the world. It has been impossible for me to stay humble, and yeah, I did treat everybody who loved me like — Let us agree that I took everything for granted.
But I am not the only one to blame, you know. I will never forget what you said to me before you stormed out of my Yoga class. You said:
“You’re so fucking pretentious, Yoga! You wouldn’t know commitment if it speared that inflated crown chakra you got there. Your spiritual virtue is nothing but a pantomime performed through inhales and exhales and freaking indigenous drums! Heaven help me if I hear someone say Namaste in your nasal tone of voice! HEAVEN HELP ME!”
It was the middle of Savasana for God’s sake!
And only the beginning of your tirade it turned out. Do you know how long it took me to clean off the slander you spray-painted across the front of my studio? A week! Two days on the GMO letters alone. You scrawled:
Narcissistic Origami Charlatan Factory-made GMO Yoga Inside!
I have hated you since. I told all my students that Yoga and running are the oil and water of fitness. I forced them to pick a side. If a student arrived in running shoes I’d freak out every single time and hurl Tibetan bells at them.
Once it was my quartz singing bowl; only once, because it smashed and those things are pricey. I felt betrayed.
But you know what? Since I became really, like so totally mature, I can say that you were right. I am superficial. I hope you understand why. I have never known commitment! I felt used by everybody. I thought we were all playing the same game with a wink and a nod.
You know: I am the embodiment of fashion-in-movement, great-looking asanas, performance-worthy flexibility, sexy bodies in slow motion moving to the soundtrack of ethnic drums. The dry, crusty spiritual bit was just a front to give me that marketing edge. More like a buttress, it turns out!
It was out of my reality to meet someone real like you, or share a love like we did, and become greater than the sum of us, as we were becoming.
I regret not appreciating you or seeing what you brought to our relationship. Runnie, I am so sorry. See – real tears coming right down my face, not the monkey ones I used to use, remember? I do not agree with what my friends say, that you held me back.
We complement each other. I am all about heart. You are all about mind.
I am sorry I kept rubbing it in that you were not from an exotic culture. I should not have been down on you because you seemed ordinary. Remember how annoyed you would get when I boasted that Yoga was a club for sexual openness and blurred boundaries? I only said it for the attention.
I am not even from India. I am from evening classes above a Whole Foods in Humboldt County and a product of 20 hours on Skype with a school called Pimp My Yoga ™.
Now I understand what you meant when you said that together we are something bigger and better. I know now that it can be only with you that I might one day feel this thing, you know, that fancy French word you like so much … authentic or something? Oui Oui!
Runnie, do you miss me? Do you miss how I kept you from injuring yourself?
Remember in the early days, you were self-harming your knees every single day. I never saw you happier than when you gave me a thorough ravishing before you went off on your runs, and you’d be all flexible and properly warmed up. We need each other, don’t you see?
Runnie, I want us to get back together. I promise I will never leave you again. Do you still want me? We are magic together, admit it!
I love you, like, in this really mature way? Come see for yourself. Meet me at my full moon Kirtan Rave at midnight. The theme: Krishna’s Glow-in-the-dark Body Paint, Feathers Optional.
Yours forever (I hope),