Earning a living: a mother’s quest to unplug from shame.
{Photo: meditationenergy.com}
By Jennifer Summerfeldt.
“Even today, the labor of woman in the home, because it is unpaid, is often not acknowledged as genuinely necessary and valuable work.” ~ Bateson, 1989
Common among women I know is the gut-wrenching challenge of extinguishing internal shame which insidiously accumulates, due to our culturally limited and subsequently self-imposed beliefs about the notion that our work (meaning paid work) is synonymous with our worth and success.
This shame which has been forced upon us, albeit invisible, by a prevailing patriarchal belief system, differs in intensity for each individual depending on the circumstances one is born into. Unplugging from the shame requires varying levels of willpower and support, depending on ethnicity and culture, economic background, religion, sexual character, and gender orientation.
I come from a middle-class white Canadian family; am heterosexual; have a healthy spiritual life with minimal dogma; am part of a supportive group of progressive friends. Despite these favorable cards I have been dealt, I am nonetheless tasked with the burden of undoing culturally instituted beliefs, challenging the commonly established expectations, and addressing the associated shame.
I was taught, in a disguised way, that the measure of success for a modern woman is to become a strong, composed, intelligent, financially independent, and an equally accomplished woman to her male counterpart.
The Modern Feminist Theory, according to Jones (1993) is “the effort to integrate women into public life as equals while still claiming that what matters is that women, not genderless and sexless persons, will become more fully present in public life.”
The documentary Status Quo: The Unfinished Business of Feminism in Canada (2012), planted a modern day seed in hopes to grow a new wave women’s movement to eradicate gender based violence and oppression. It was made clear that the women’s movement has been sitting idle since the major push of the 1960s.
“Status Quo interrogates the obvious barriers women face when attempting to exercise their constitutional rights and successfully participate in Canadian work forces and social institutions. The film’s interviewees are highly critical of Canada’s failure to address and act upon gender, racial, and social inequalities that persist regardless of the proclaimed advancements of our multicultural society.” ~ Cynthia Spring, 2012
To become fully present in the public life encompasses more than just equal pay and equal access to employment. It means that the voices of the devalued gender (and all marginalized people) are heard, considered, and acknowledged as an equally important counterpart to the decision making process.
Unfortunately, the emphasis on gender equality being foremost about gaining entry into the workforce, speaks to the quest for financial gains and independence via the acquisition of prominent decision making positions of power.
The overarching desire to be accepted within the current mode of operation, as a measurement of equality rights, has further silenced the voice and position of women, rather than carving out new space to contribute to the conversations.
The motivation to be accepted and fit in quashes the desire to be heard and given a valid voice. Gender, or rather power equality, is therefore a misconception when the feminine voice continues to be marginalized, patronized, or nudged out.
A frightening statistic noted during the documentary Miss Representation (2011) clearly states that: “Men occupy 80 to 95% of the top decision-making positions in American politics, business, the military, religion, media, culture, and entertainment.”
As specified by this statistic, we are undoubtedly living within a culture that is governed by the patriarchal and male perspectives. In my opinion, the prevailing frame of mind measures success as economic stability at any cost, with a need for constant growth and expansion, and a desire to gain absolute power to influence change (with force, if needed).
Although some huge feminist advancements have occurred, such as reproduction rights and choice, we are still fighting for the same needs: to have autonomy of body; to have autonomy within the workforce; to be given true informed consent option; to receive equal and fair pay; to receive supportive and financially feasible childcare; to have access to safe and publicly funded abortion services; to have access to low risk maternity care (midwifery care); and to stop, not just decrease, violence against women on all accounts.
Most women, including myself, experience much shame and entrapment when faced with making decisions about: reproductive matters, sexual orientation, gender identification, education and work.
Herein lies a false impression: We have been told that we have been given freedom of choice. Yet, when paralyzed by shame, we become dis-empowered and the notion of choice dissolves, I ask : a) where is the shame coming from? b) Who or what prescribed the shame in the first place?
For some time now, I have been led to believe that any shame experienced is self-inflicted. In other words, the responsibility to stop feeling and feeding the shame lies heavy on the woman; as if she is defective for being burdened by shame.
More recently, in light of the New Thought movement we are told to simply change our thoughts and beliefs, and to stop listening to negative thinking patterns. The notion is this: when we believe what we are thinking, then a feeling response follows suit, and therefore, if we experience a shame response, then it is no one else’s responsibility to address the shame but our own.
Although this mindset is true on many accounts based on neuroscience and the plethora of current research, it does not take into account Who and What laid down the shameful thought patterns in the first place? And why does it land on the individual woman to have to unravel the years of insinuated defect?
It is my opinion that this mindset creates paralysis and further fault-pointing at the woman herself; she already believes she is defective based on cultural programming and then expected to stop believing in the cunning thoughts; and if she can’t, than she is deemed weak and is subtly blamed for her own mental and emotional misery.
Letting go of the shame is not as simple as choosing to no longer believe in the programmed beliefs (usually invisible for many). I am suggesting that much of the shame, which is standard amongst many women I know, has been externally imposed upon us in the most invisible and subtle ways. Shame is one of the ways to keep a woman or anyone who has been marginalized, dis-empowered and dysfunctional. Undoing years of oppressive shame is not a simple self-help book task; it is a huge endeavor.
I am trying on this idea: Perhaps not every woman needs to undo her own cultural imprinting that insinuates an underlying current of the core self as shame-filled, but rather, what if a few of us do this deep work? Would this help unplug years of imprinting for many? There is a saying amongst the First Nations: “When you heal, you heal seven generations back and seven generations forward.” I imagine that unveiling the hidden shame will assist in the deconstruction of these untrue beliefs that bind.
The Systemic Programming of Beliefs
I chose to halt the advancement of my career and invest my time and energy to raise my three children. Since I am not out there equalizing the playing field, and not part of the decision-making conversations, I am left feeling vulnerable.
One may argue that raising children is important work and deserves the highest honor and value. Yet women’s work within the home, because unpaid, is still, and was, devalued (Anderson, 1991). Although we would like to believe that the gap between how we value Women’s work and Men’s work has lessened and equalized, the reality is, not much has changed. Doris Anderson (1991) wrote the following in her book The Unfinished Revolution:
The free-market system defines “work” as paid work. The work done by women in the home isn’t valued at all, and women’s work outside the home is undervalued because it is done by women. Women’s work, therefore, is undervalued in both spheres… Women are caught in the squeeze of working at two jobs, one of which is paid poorly and the other not paid at all. The attitude government and business foster is: if women choose to work as well as have a family it’s their own responsibility. (143)
Even though I couldn’t articulate it at the time, I knew something was fundamentally unjust about the way we were indoctrinated to live; through the schools, churches, government, media, magazines, billboards, and of course our role models.
Perhaps many of you can relate to parts of these old beliefs which have laid down deep neurological pathways (i.e. beliefs and feelings) thanks to, family environment, media, advertising, education, politics and world religion.
1. It is important to be liked (mostly by men) because this way you will be safe.
2. As a woman, you need to be strong and intelligent, but don’t stand out too much and make sure you change to fit in to a male-dominated world.
3. Do not question too much, just enough to seem intelligent, but not too intelligent.
4. Be careful to not ruffle the feathers of those who have authority, for they are right, and you are always wrong in the face of authority; and you do not want to appear crazy or challenging.
5. Study hard and work hard, this will advance you, even if at the risk of your health and your intuition.
6. Listen to your intuition, but don’t believe it nor share it, there is no room for intuition in the real world.
7. Don’t look too womanly or sexy, you will be perceived as a sex object or a bimbo, not intelligent or capable. This is dangerous.
8. Looking androgynous or manly is your safest bet.
9. Direct your focus on accomplishing something and keep striving for that goal.
10. This something is not homemaking, the something lies outside of the home and has to do with a career and making money.
11. Make something of yourself in the real world and, most importantly, make sure you can take care of your own financial needs so that you are not dependent on a man.
12. Fight for gender equality, because you deserve to be paid as much and have access to top positions in the workforce, but don’t appear too radical or desperate while doing so.
13. The most shameful thing you can do, as a woman, is to be poor and dependent upon another or the system. Even more shameful if you are not white.
14. Motherhood is a distraction from accomplishing the something and will halt the process, which will inevitably weaken you.
15. If you are a mother you can do both: work outside of the home, and fulfill the domestic needs of the home (make sure you do this with little to no complaint).
16. Birth is horrendous, painful, fearful, and you need an expert to take charge of this experience and get it over with quickly so that you can return to your ordinary life and work.
17. Sex outside of marriage or committed relationship is something to be feared because you will either a) get pregnant, b) get assaulted or raped, c) need an abortion, or d) be called a slut, all of which are deemed shameful.
18. Menstruation is something to hide and be ashamed of, as it gets in the way of your accomplishments and doing more. It also makes you crazy and moody, which is a default to the feminine and therefore, you can’t be taken seriously.
I received so many mixed messages, and for almost 20 years, I felt most comfortable denying my femininity as I embraced and strengthened my masculine. It became apparent that there was little room in this world for that which was considered womanly or feminine.
On the inside, I was terrified of my femininity and sexuality because I bought into a belief that these traits were dangerous and would, therefore, potentially attract harm. To the outside world, I was strong, accomplished, intelligent, charismatic, and well-liked (mostly by men). I was on the path of making it in this world, doing it right, and keeping safe, so I thought.
Introducing Motherhood
No one prepared me for the hormonal rush that floods a woman who has given birth physiologically with her hormones intact (aka without drugs or major interventions). I was overwhelmed by this thing called mothering instincts (Odent, 2001) which provided me with a deep sense of love and attachment.
There was no way in hell I was going to let someone else raise my child(ren), regardless of the burden of economic stress. so began the 13-year struggle between my physiology, my intuition, my priorities and the ideas I held about myself as a competent modern woman.
Imagine, for a moment, being a feminist with a determination to accomplish something in life, be known for something, make a difference in the world, earn a good living, and stand up against sexism, racism, inequality, patriarchy and then suddenly your perspective and focus shift on a dime because of bodily hormones and the power of birth.
This was mind-blowing and paradigm shifting; embracing the idea and choice to stay in the home was a challenge. My mind wanted to be ‘out there’ in the world making a difference, yet my hormones wouldn’t allow me to do so. Everything in me wanted to be doing something different.
I wanted to be earning a living and contributing in the right ways to be valued in the world. However, my heart and body (i.e., breasts) were dedicated and devoted to staying in the home with my young.
Staying home was not enough of a contribution and therefore, I continued to believe that I was not enough of a woman if I did not find a way to earn a living, all the while, tend to my children. due to this mindset, I was always distracted and striving while home with my kids by a belief that I needed to do more, be more, so I could earn more.
This meant, I was agitated and angry often with my kids because I thought they were in the way of doing work out there. Irritated and often, depressed I became. In return, all of this meant that I was not able to be present with my kids needs with focus and attention and dedication.
Although I did give them plenty of love, my mind was often elsewhere. It took me until Keenan was 11 to shift this perspective and give them the attention, affection and emotional security they needed and deserved.
Divorce: A Contributor to the Shame
After separating from my husband of 12 years, I was faced with financial insecurity, spiritual crisis, and resulting panic attacks. How was I going to take care of my needs, and the needs of my children? How was I going to be able to do this without needing to depend on my former spouse (or any man for that matter)?
I was determined to meet my financial and career needs. This mission opened up a world that I had not deeply experienced prior to the separation-the world of women and oppression in the workforce, compounded by the struggle of single motherhood.
The following are more belief statements that emerged wreaking havoc on my heart and mind, causing sadness, depression, and more shame:
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I am not good enough as a mother, I have fallen short.
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I have failed because not only am I troubled in finding a job that will pay me a living wage, but my businesses have become deficits rather than assets.
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My education of five years is now invalid.
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Absence from the workforce between ages 23 and 35 is a detriment, and all research, writing, and work I have done during those years are frivolous and not to be valued as anything substantial nor real.
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I have become a burden on others and society.
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There must be something wrong with my thinking about money because I am stopping myself from attracting it, and the right job, into my life.
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These problems are fundamentally my fault.
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I am crazy and stupid because I had to quit the only good paying job since my divorce due to mental health issues and a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which I have since healed from).
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If only I could have dealt with my life better, I would not be in this position of financial vulnerability.
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If only I would have been strong enough to finish my Master’s thesis and know how to get the much needed help, I would not be in this position.
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If I would have known more about my body and been less risky sexually, I would not have got pregnant in the first place.
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I am embarrassed (and so was my daughter) that I am serving part-time as a waitress.
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I am ashamed because I have found myself dependent again on not only one man, but two men.
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I should be grateful because I have two men (and the government) taking care of my basic financial needs, and so, I shame myself yet again because I am not grateful enough.
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My lack of being able to meet my financial needs and find a career is a direct indication of my lack of worth as a woman.
A part of me believes that I have failed as a woman as a result of becoming dependent upon a man financially. I feel that my position in the world is weakened and this contributes towards a sense of vulnerability — the kind that causes one to fear her safety.
Mainstream culture promotes and accepts two main options for women who have children: a) stay home with your children until grown, then find an entry-level secretarial job and be grateful that you were able to stay home with your children in the first place, or b) continue to advance your career after staying home with your child(ren) for a few months to a year, then secure a placement with a childcare worker or organisation, or if lucky grandparents, to raise your child(ren) while you work outside the home.
The latter option gives you a sense of financial security and worthiness, assuring that you will be able to meet your financial needs and never be dependent on others. Neither option really takes into account the emotional weight many mothers experience when needing to make an either-or choice.
No wonder I was suffering from depressive episodes! Anyone in their right mind would likely experience depression under such stress and pressure. Not good enough runs rampant throughout all of these statements.
If we subscribe to these cultural belief statements that have impregnated our minds (without our consent, might I add) then we are accepting the belief that we are either not good enough as mothers, or not good enough as women. Looking back over the past two decades of my life with a critical eye is yielding acute awareness of the oppression that still exists for women of the 21st century despite the progress since the 60s.
We need a revised vision that gives voice and value to the many facets of the feminine, and how the feminine can contribute to the advancements of human equality, and the eradication of violence, from both within the foundation of the home, and outside of the home.
Let’s consider framing, especially for our youth, the power of the female body, menstruation, sexuality, and birth as rites of passage; that which needs to be embraced with honor and dignity intact. Let’s include mothering in our calculation of economic health and progress and begin to value the voice of the feminine, regardless where she is investing her time and energy Furthermore, let’s support and encourage the tedious and painful emotional work involved with deprogramming the institutionalized beliefs we have been raised within.
We have been painted two pictures of the modern woman: one of the successful woman in power positions, and the other as the angry feminist, neither really encouraging an accurate portrait of the many facets of a woman.
The angry feminist will not be heard — as we still see today — even though absolutely valid in her anger. The women in position of power jobs, is underhanded by the sheer number of men in positions of power. Meaning, she is given a turn to speak, but rarely considered or respected without much challenge or scrutiny. This eats away at one’s soul and emotional well-being over time.
So we are left with the question: what does a women’s movement need to look like? What do we need to do differently? How will we be heard and taken seriously? How do we not fall prey to the shame, caused by oppression? How do we self-regulate and self-validate?
If 80% of men hold the power within decision making positions, than what do women need to do differently to be heard, valued, and incorporated in those conversations (even if they have chosen to stay at home)?
The shame that was born out of these imprinted beliefs becomes oppressive and keeps the amazing qualities that live within each of us from illuminating the world we live in. In unearthing the shame that lives within my body and soul, I learned that the shame is kept alive by fostering the beliefs I spoke about.
When we unconsciously believe the subtle messaging that runs rampant within our culture, we are imprinted with a value system that is fundamentally flawed. In return, we internalize the belief that we are therefore, flawed and defective, which fosters more shame.
Distracted by deep emotional experiences that feed a ‘not good enough’ mind-scape we become distracted by negative internal dialogues. In return, plugging our energy circuits into beliefs that are untrue and drains our energy and power to be able to contribute to personal, community, and global change. All of this prevents many of us from discovering our worth, voice, and place in this world.
It is my hope and belief that as we unravel and untangle this shame that continues to bind the heart and soul, wreaking havoc on our emotional reality, that we will find our unique voice and claim it with worthiness and power from within. It is believed that from this place, an all-consuming internal fierceness becomes ignited.
In the end, eliminating the stressful gap between the need to earn a living within the framework laid before her, and the need to follow the heart.
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Jennifer Summerfeldt was born with a passion and natural curiosity for human peak performance. During graduate studies within the field of sport psychology, she prepared and delivered programs and lectures for Junior National and Provincial level athletes. After the birth of her first child, Jennifer directed this knowledge to help facilitate optimal birth experiences. For a solid 12 years, she pioneered the fields of natural birth industry, women’s health, and midwifery. Jennifer co-created an online childbirth class, co-owned a community pregnancy and birth store, and has authored numerous articles. She resides in Edmonton, AB, Canada with her three children and loving partner. You can find her at Edmonton Birth Coach or Wild At Heart Coaching.
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