She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not.
She found me again. I thought I got away from her. I mean for f*ck’s sake, I moved across the country.
I did my meditation and released her in the Pacific Ocean. I thought she really heard that. I really did. I was sure of it, due to my prancing and dancing around my goodbye party bonfire in Venice Beach.
The last time she was in my presence was the start of my new business venture. An opportunity arose that I could not pass up. She was so close to winning, but my mind and passion took over and I won the match. I told her politely to f*ck off.
I said, “Thank you for all your input, but no, thank you, please leave.”
She got the boot and I know she felt it. She was gone for quite some time. Life was like a romantic movie and I played the lead role. Life was my oyster and moments of ever-afters filled my heart and creativity.
During that time, I still thought about her, however I had enough flow going on to dismiss her from her parasite self.
My oyster created a big life change. One that would crack the ground below you if you are not ready for it. I was. I was sooooo ready, but was she?
I woke up and started experiencing the black rain that devoured my sunny skies. But why? My dreams were turning into reality. Maybe not at the pace or rhythm that I wanted it to go, but if I took a step out of myself, all was happening.
I thought that maybe since I was not practicing my routine mediation, reading and Yoga that this was the cause. So, I filled my morning with just that again.
Nothing. I was fooling myself. She was back.
I threw my fits at her. I told her again, politely, to f*ck off. She only got more in my face. She made me so angry. She made me so distracted. She took away so many moments that should have been my sunny skies. Why is she back? I hate her, but I love her. She has been with me for so long.
At some point, she does get tired. She was resting when I let my guard down. With such vulnerability there was nothing for me to do but listen to the voices of self-empowerment.
She left pieces. She always does. Those pieces will always be there, but they are easier to defeat when confronting her over and over, and once you become aware that you are the leader of your life. You, not her.
“Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.”
~ Judy Blume
Wherever you go, whatever new event or goal you try to conquer, she will always be there. That is my experience. She just wants to be noticed and acknowledged. You fight her, she will fight you right back. You accept her, listen, and confidently explain to her why she has to leave. She will go.
She will go for now, but will always leave her residue. Just be cool. Your anger delivers more of her.
She is Fear. Face her head on and then leave her where she belongs.
Just get her the f*ck out of your way so you can keep dreaming and doing Big.
“Courage is not the absence of fear, it is rather, the total presence of fear, with the courage to face it.” ~ Osho