10 Ways to F*ck Up Your Relationship.
By Dominica Applegate
Don’t you love it when your relationship is steamy passionate and love is oozing out of every pore? Ahhh.
The hot, honeymoon phase certainly rocks. It’s purely magical and intoxicating. Now, are you going to do what it takes to keep it that way or are you going to f*ck it up like over 50% of couples? It’s your call. Like it or not, it really is up to you and your sexy boo.
Here are 10 ways you can screw that relationship up, so please, read, take note, and refuse to be in the group that are considered f*ck-ups.
1. Go ahead and lie. He/she will never know.
Sure, go ahead and tell a doozy. Lie straight through your teeth with a smile. If you’re really good, make eye contact. Maybe you don’t want to contend with a heated argument. Or perhaps you’ve intentionally forgotten to mention that you have children. Or have herpes.
Maybe you’re double-timing. Lies. All lies and lying will land you on the road to f*ck-upville.
2. Go on and on about your exes.
Sure, go on and on every chance you get about all of the great times you and your exes had. Oh, yes, my ex and I went to Cancun and it was freaking beautiful! Geez, my ex had so much money it was ridiculous! I was spoiled rotten!
If you really want to f*ck up your relationship, do tell your current partner about how ripped your ex was, with hardcore abs and the tightest butt cheeks you’ve ever laid hands on. Or how curvalicious your first wife was.
Or maybe let him know how great your ex spoiled you with tokens of affection. Gifts. Vacations. Hot sex.
No, he won’t compare himself. He won’t feel like he’s being sized up. He won’t be faced with having to let you talk for fear of coming off jealous if he speaks up.
Hey. Exes are not off limits when it comes to conversation, as many exes can remain friends. It’s almost impossible to bring up the past at times, but be mindful of what you’re saying. Don’t talk about how amazing your ex was, how passionate the sex was, and for god’s sake, no genitalia talk.
3. Go all vampire-ish.
You know when you watch all those vampire flicks you wish you could be a vampire. I mean, they’re just all mysterious, right? So get your energy vampire vibe going, prepare for your attack, and suck, suck, suck the energy right out of your partner. Whine about everything.
Have an epic pity party often. Go for the throat with a temper tantrum from hell when you don’t get your way. Drain every last ounce of blood.
Nah. Please don’t. It’s exhausting for both. Neediness kills. Get some help.
4. Clothe yourself with jealousy.
Yes, be jealous of everyone your partner looks at and talks to. Be paranoid. Sneak peeks at his/her phone. Stalk Facebook. Smell his shirts for perfume. Go through personal belongings. You’re sure to catch him at some point. He can’t be trusted!
Whoa, Nellie. Back the f*ck truck up. Jealousy is sure to divide you and your partner. Have you ever shown your booty in a bout of jealousy? Come to find out you were just bat-shit crazy? Much of the time jealousy is due to your insecurity, so you accuse and badger. Like he’s not worthy to be trusted.
Drown the little green jealousy monster.
5. Let OCD rule, or at the very least, make your baby cakes conform to your standards.
Obsessive compulsive disorder. It’s real, and if you tend to dance to that tune, it can really mess your relationship up.
“Hey, there’s a spot on that glass. Did you wash it?”
“You didn’t fold that towel right. Here, this is how you do it.”
“Do you have to wear those kinds of jeans?”
“Um. Honey. Do you have to chew gum like that? I mean, really. You’re not 5 anymore.”
“This is how the dishwasher should look when you fill it.”
Now, don’t get me wrong. Some things can be annoying, but why can’t he just be himself? If you’re always like, “Why do you do that? Why can’t you? That’s not the way you… Oh my God, you… You’re always… You never…..” Blah. All f*king up your relationship.
6. Ride the narcissism train.
Narcissism essentially means ultra-self-obsessed. This means you’re all about yourself and almost proud of it. You’re the bomb, like a boss, fabulous, sexy, intelligent, vain, entitled, and so much more. You’ve had it all, done it all, and you’re sure to remind your partner often.
“I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, so don’t ever forget it!”
“Boy, if others could be as lucky as you.”
Update your Facebook status every few hours with self-flattery. Keep your partner at a comfortable distance. Flaunt your fat wallet. Belittle, criticize, and roll your eyes a lot.
You narc. Stop it. Get over yourself and become the kind of person that authentically puts your partner first. Let there be equal reciprocity in your relationship.
7. Cheat emotionally and physically.
You know cheating in a relationship can certainly f*ck it up faster than any other thing. Yes, if you want to f*ck up your relationship, start your journey down the road to cheating. Start texting the hot co-worker with the uber sexy bod.
Begin having conversations with your ex about how much you miss him. Distance yourself from your current partner. Start going out alone. Flirt like a boss.
Listen, you’ll be tempted at some point, so make a decision now that that is not the way you want to live. If you’re not feeling it with your partner/spouse, have a conversation. Either try to work it out, or both of you move it along. Don’t cheat.
Don’t do that to your partner, yourself, and the other person involved. Be the kind of person who walks in integrity and stays faithful.
8. Take your stress out on your partner.
Your boss is extremely annoying, you’re PMSing, and you are just about broke until pay day. The dog pissed on your favorite shoes, the coffee pot broke, and traffic is backed up forever long! Sure, go ahead and take it out on your partner. You’ll feel so much better. Use the tone.
Complain about how lazy, inconsiderate, immature, and selfish he/she is. Punch that punching bag as hard as you can. Oh, how you will feel relieved!
As you do, your partner will be like, “What the heck did I do?” He won’t know you’re having a day from hell and stressed to the max, so do him and you a favor and clue him into the fact that you are stressed and it’s not him.
9. Be Partner Possessed.
You are my possession! Mine, mine, and all mine! Should you let him go out, be sure he checks in with you every hour. After all, he is solely yours. You own him and he will forever be at your beck and call. When he doesn’t text or call you back, give him hell.
If you do let him go out with his friends, be sure to use emotional blackmail so he feels extra guilty for leaving you alone. Totally let him know you are miserable without his presence. Keep the apron strings tight as can be, because possession is so attractive.
Partner possession syndrome will kill the life in the relationship. He’s not yours. You’re not his. He is not responsible for your happiness and vice versa.
10. Withhold sex.
Just stop being passionate and leave sex up to the fantasy world. Skip foreplay. Let the mystique go. After all, hot sex only happens in the beginning of a relationship, right? While you’re at it, let yourself go. Become the beer-gutted, belching, lazy guy who lives to play Xbox with his buddies.
Ladies, wear extra huge sweats all the time and only shave in the summer. Say goodbye to sexy lingerie. Go to bed and just sleep.
Um. No, thank you.
Don’t fall prey to these 10 f*ck ups. Do the work. Invest in your relationship. Hardcore. Team up, smile, flirt, laugh, relax, be open-minded, thoughtful, sexy, spontaneous, secure, loving, lovable, and so much more.
Have an all-out one-of-a-kind epic relationship!
Dominica Applegate is dedicated to the art of self-discovery, creative expression, and raw truth. She loves words like epic and hardcore and needs a bit of chocolate each day. A sought-after author, speaker and coach, her work is ultimately about helping people remove blocks that keep them sad, fearful, lazy, and stuck. Author of ‘Recycle Your Pain: It Has a Purpose, Conquer Codependency’, and ‘To You, Weary One’, she’d love to meet you. You could contact her via her website.