My Hate For You Isn’t What It Seems.
By Sonya Matejko
In my mind, and in an enraged stupor, I say that I hate you.
I say it with such conviction that I feel the lava boil in the cracks of my volcanic and ashen heart. I say it with such ferocity that my mind refuses to believe it as a lie. I say it so overtly and profusely that the world has turned its back on my animosity.
I say it, oh how many times I’ve said it. But is it how I really feel? The human whose heart I held so gently in my hand — the heart I could not believe was passed to me by Fate — how could I hate you so?
How could I hate the person whose eyes were burned into my soul the moment I heard them whisper they loved me?
Yet still I say it. I write verses, I write prose, I write poetry, and I write drunken text messages in the devilish night. I try to say it until the hate runs out. I try to write enough to rid it from my veins.
I try so hard to forget you, to forget how much I hate that I loved you, maybe still love you, quite possibly forever love you until the dirt is cascading on my grave.
Then a moment occurred, it occurred after fire bore my eyes. I needed to burn myself alive, let all the anger erupt through my heart; I wanted you to feel the smolder that was shaking my very core. And so I broke. I broke myself in a shallow rage as I watched you with her.
I broke myself into a million pieces for the hate I tried to convince myself I felt for you. I broke myself until the fire turned to smog. And through the fog I saw the mess I had become.
And the truth between the ashes was that hate for you was not what I felt. I hated who you had made me become.
I hated the monster that now hid in my very heart. I hated the way the sight of you could tear me up at all my newly repaired seams. I hated the way my positive demeanor turned into a wicked daze. I hated that I still loved you, when you so clearly no longer loved me back.
I hated the emptiness your absence left in my full, full heart. I hated how I felt. I hated that I felt it for you.
So now, I must not sit with this truth. I must forgive. But forgiveness is not for you. No, now I must acknowledge the villain that I am and forgive myself. I must forgive for wanting a future that no longer belonged to me. I must forgive for the nights I cried thinking you were still my destiny.
I must forgive for the midnight rants that turned me into a stranger. I must forgive for settling, for letting, for begging to be with someone who did not ever deserve me.
I must mend my tattered and burnt heart. I need to let the pallid anger go. I know that I gave up dreams for you, years for you, my heart for you. Eventually Fate will show me why. But I cannot stay this monster… because who will ever love me as I am, if I can’t even love myself?
So I have to let the light in. I have to fill the dark holes I let your betrayal burrow in my heart. I have to forgive myself for falling for you and staying there as if I was hopeless.
But I am not hopeless because this fire within me is both a blessing and a curse. It is a curse because I’ve let the darkest emotions take over my body like a parasite. Yet it is a blessing because I feel the happiness of a rainy day, I feel the power of a first look, I feel the clout of love so much stronger than the emblematic human.
I am meant for a love that comes only after I’ve fallen deeply for myself. I am meant for a love that comes in with truth, with passion, with eternity in its wake… I am meant for this love when love is what I myself deserve.
So no, I do not hate you. I hate that I have become someone so selfishly involved with my own heartache. I hate that I’ve taken it out on such a beautiful world so filled with opportunity.
I hate that I have spent a single moment letting myself feel something other than bliss in this life that is a blessing.
So now I must forgive myself. I must forgive myself for loving you. I must forgive myself for letting it turn me into someone irrationally and inexplicably strange. I must do this for my soul mate, but mostly I will do this for myself.
Tonight I let the light of a single candle flame burn. I watch its blush influence the room previously filled with darkness. And I let this happen to my heart. Lighting a match just to start, because the light will always win in dark. So I let the nightfall take my hate, night by night.
I keep the candle lit in my heart. My dreams they keep it warm, until I wake up smiling evermore.
I let the hate crawl into the abyss of the past, and the future only carries hope.