Dear World, I Am Trying…
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Dear World,
Lying here in bed in the early morning hours, the sun is still buried beneath the horizon.
In the dim twilight, I feel my eyes begin to open and thoughts begin to gently float away from the last strands of a dream. And it is here that I find myself on the edge of my seat waiting — waiting for what is sent my way next.
I am trying to catch up with you.
The air is cool. I can feel it seeping through the window above my head and I pull the covers over my shoulders for just another minute before it is time to give in and force my feet toward solid ground. So I lie and I wait and think about you, dear world.
I’m not sure how some days you can leave me gasping for air while others make me feel like I can stand on your shoulders.
It’s funny how you shift and change and turn from inside out so much and so often that just when I think I know what is next, or when I feel like I am handling things — you toss me something unexpected that leaves me spinning yet again.
I do my best to catch my balance, dear world.
Some nights, I lie in bed and let you rock me into a gentle sleep. I look up at your stars and feel the moonlight shine on my face and search among the constellations for images and pictures of places dreamed so long ago.
And then there are nights when I toss and turn in restless ambiguity, and those stars are blanketed with storms matching my mood as I chase an unfocused dream.
It seems I am always chasing lately.
Chasing a goal, a star, a point of light that I can see not far ahead yet always just a bit out of reach. Some days I feel like I am the one being chased too.
In those moments, I feel like I am caught up in an endless cycle of running and chasing so much that it seems my legs beneath me may collapse from sheer fatigue.
I stand up and face these things when I can. I dig my heels into the ground and call up a spirit in me that is a fighter.
She is stubborn and strong and stares into the eye of chaos with her hands balled into fists and shoulders back. She quiets all of the unspoken thoughts — the fractured reflections that crop up throughout moments of perfect sunshine.
Occasionally she is thrown off center though. And in those occasions when I reach in and feel for her spirit I find she has ducked into the shadows and I am left to fend for myself — alone and small.
Dear world, I am trying.
Somewhere between yesterday and today, I found a sliver of peace. I sat in that moment and let the weight lift from my shoulders and for just a moment stopped the chasing and the running. I stopped worrying about what was next and what you held in suspense just around the corner.
I let go of the undecided choices that hovered above me every day and let them be locked away and hidden — even if only for a slight shifting of shadows.
It was there that I let myself feel the air around me sweep through and spin around as it kissed my face and skin.
I hushed the voices that tend to plague my sometimes sleepless nights under a blanketed sky.
And for just that broken bit of time I stood up and felt strong again — recharged.
I use those moments when I have them, dear world. I gather them up in pieces with my hands and place them safely in my quiet soul, in hopes that they will take seed and grow.
And when my warrior spirit has fled and left me to face the aftermath of spinning out of control yet again, I pluck the blossoms that have sprouted from deep inside this beating heart.
And so I lie here in wait again, dear world.
The twilight is lifting. The sun has cracked open the clouds and it is time for my feet to find the floor. Maybe today I will catch all of the things that are thrown my way and if not maybe I will be alright with knowing I dropped them.
Whichever way it goes and whatever happens, just know that I will do my best to be ready.
And so let’s begin, dear world — again.
*****
{Beginners}
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