I Will Not Feel Ashamed Any More To Be Completely And Boldly Myself.
{Photo credit: Julie Abrell}
“And the day came
when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful
than the risk it took to blossom.” ~ Anais Nin
I’ve been starting the unfurling process timidly and with reticence.
I’m not one of those people who can rip off the bandage that’s been covering all the old hurts and pretend they’re healed and show them all to the world. “Hey world, step right up, looky here!”
“Stare at these painful, pulsing parts that I have grieved and analyzed for years; fulfill my fantastical dream that in one fell swoop a revelation will unfold and heal all of us.”
No. I have been dipping my toes in the water and testing its warmth, and deciding after that if I’m ready to progress toward a bubble bath or maybe a Jacuzzi at some point.
My goal is, though, to eventually love my distinctive self, my unique thoughts and feelings, and to believe that they do have a purpose for both me and you, and that I will not feel ashamed any more to be completely and boldly myself.
Some days, though, I’m a tender-ling, full of raw emotion and as vulnerable as an inchworm on a busy sidewalk. And on others, I feel the freedom and confidence of being protected from harm. Such has been my life. I harness my energy and creativity as well as anyone can.
I am learning to love and appreciate myself, although it is slow going and it has taken decades upon decades, with self-criticism usually winning the match.
Because of the inner voices that shame me, I have kept a lot inside and hidden, where it’s safer. I have tended acres of secret gardens in my mind and heart for years.
I have devised and retained so many creative ideas and plans and hidden many necessary things to say, to feel, and to express. This tightly closed bud is almost bursting.
Ah, but the risk it takes to blossom.
This is not an easy step to make either. I may be damned if I open up, yet damned if I remain closed. I’m unsure which is worse: the possibility of being rejected by others or the danger of self-implosion.
But in the interest of my continued growth, I have been considering this recently: one definition of risk is an uncertain event with an uncertain outcome. So with that, I could believe that everything from this moment on is technically a risk since the future is uncertain.
I have been living in constant risk, and I’m still here. I am surviving, learning, growing. Also, since taking a risk means that the outcome is not yet determined, it can also mean that the result could be a favorable one. Why do I always assume that it will be negative?
I want to learn to trade my self-discouragement for encouragement.
I have another way that I need to remember which will mitigate any potential risk that I fear. This is most assuredly something I want to do as I resolutely unfurl myself. I have a faith in God that tells me that I am His child and that He will shelter me.
I’m terrific at putting my assorted neuroses before this simple yet fundamental truth. His omnipotence and peace still comfort me when I am mindful enough to slow down and let it.
Part of the practice of loving myself more is to allow God to love me more, which is to say, be calmly aware that He is there all the time doing exactly that. Holding onto that with every breath, I can finally relinquish my need to control outcomes, and my enduring anxiety that I am just not good enough.
Because I am so much more than just good enough. And it is time to blossom.
*****
Julie Abrell is beginning to allow her creativity to flow unrestricted and will be living happily hereafter. She prefers to intersperse words within her artworks and jewelry-making as her expressions of herself. Her goal is to self-support through an artistic and inspirational business of her own design. Some of the keys to her happiness include making people smile, coffee, paint brushes, cinnamon buns, and her chihuahua. She is the proud yet drowsy single mother of two teenagers and covets all prayers and good wishes you may wish to send her way. Julie spends her time avoiding road rage and politics in the DC area and adores the peace and quiet of her tiny country cottage in WV.
{Take The Risk}
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