Breaking Assumptions About “Dating” & What Getting Close Is All About.
Photographer: Alejandra Quiroz
What comes to mind when you hear the word dating?
There are so many pictures that jump out; so many reactions, feelings and false conclusions working against us, that doom us before we ever begin the journey.
Our social conditioning is a huge factor. Being single and dating have become highly charged terms and carry with them a negative connotation, a bit of a stigma perhaps, which elicits bad self-feelings.
The indoctrinated version of what it means to be single is that you should, or are supposed to be, in a relationship, and that something is wrong with you if you’re not, and that dating is a harsh reminder of being a failed single. What follows from here are bad self-feelings and dread of dating.
The pervasive, inescapable pain of loneliness and disconnection further exacerbates the situation, and leads to desperation to seek relief by any means necessary, enough to do this dreaded activity. And, on top of that, there are the residual effects from the backlog of fruitless encounters.
Too long of a string of first dates and too short of a string, or no string of second dates, cause feelings ranging from dread to aversion and a skewed outlook — that dating is a waste of time, why even bother, and that no one has a clue.
In order to begin drawing on the benefits of dating, you must open your mind to a fresh, new understanding of dating and what a date is!
For sake of simplicity, let’s consider a date to mean the first time you meet someone — the initial encounter — or subsequent dating encounters, before a relationship is established.
You spend a certain amount of time together to see how you feel so you can then decide whether you want to get together or not.
Let’s begin to open our minds to a fresh new perspective.
What is dating?
Dating is a specialized activity that requires specific skills, and that serves at least two purposes. Not only is dating a means to an end — to meet new people in pursuit of a relationship, it can also work as a training ground that prepares you for the rigors of an intimate relationship.
Every single date is an opportunity to practice, to gain experience that will pay off at some future point, guaranteed.
When you are dating, you are stepping into the world of infinite possibility. You never know what’s going to happen, how you are going to feel, or how well you will connect… but don’t you want to find out?
Dating with Benefits
An opportunity to meet someone new. Online dating is a venue and means of making the initial contact. Learning and gaining know-how, having the sense of knowing what you are doing the first time you meet someone, how to relate, how to converse, how to assess and how to decide on a plan of action.
An opportunity to practice and develop your communication skills; the more dates you go on, the more practice you get. The more practice, the more confident and proficient you become at handling yourself the first time you meet someone.
The more proficient, the more desirable outcomes you will see, and you will make more and deeper connections. Of course, you must want to practice.
An opportunity for self-growth. The more you practice speaking up for yourself and telling your truth, the more you are going to grow as a person.
The more practice tapping into your inner knowing (assessing your experiencing or checking yourself), the more self-aware and connected you’re going to be. The more connected you are, the more connectable you are going to be.
The more connectable, the more nourishing the relationships you create will be, and the more you are going to grow as a person.
The founding principle of this fresh new perspective is, that relationships continue from where they begin — the first time you meet someone.
The first date is a microcosm of the developing relationship — how two people relate to each other the first time they meet tends to replicate in subsequent encounters. As you better understand the powerful implications of this basic principle, the more seriously you will take dating.
When dating, it must be a deep, intimate connection you are ultimately after — intimacy that is built on openness, honesty and understanding, the connection and closeness you felt the first time you met.
*****
Why is Daniel Linder, a happily married man of 30 yrs, writing, talking and teaching about dating and the first time you meet someone? After years of study as to what it is that makes his marriage work so well, he realized that it is an ability to create a safe space to be fully themselves with each other, face conflict and difficult feelings fearlessly and get through them with a deeper understanding and appreciation on a consistent basis. At some point, it dawned on him that the way they were with each other now after 30 years was, in many ways, the same as they were the first time they met.
#JustDate
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