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53 Random Observations On Love.

 

{Love Actually -- Screenshot}

{Love Actually — Screenshot}

Over the past 42 years of my life, I have come across and compiled a little collection of things that people say about love.

I now know that love actually is all around us.

It makes us breathe faster and fucks with our minds. It breaks hearts into pieces and lets bodies explode. It helps us discover our true nature whilst bypassing the cry of our souls. It is all there was, all there is, and all there ever will be.

In all its forms.

It is love…

1. The everlasting one: “Why does he/she not love me?”

The despair of not being the one? I am pretty sure we all have had that one. Pure pain. You keep telling yourself that are the only one to ever endure such feelings. You hold on tightly to your pillow whilst this agony eats you up.

Rest assured, beautifully broken heart — you are not alone.

2. “It’s over.”

Well, that’s it. The doom and gloom of it. Love gone wrong. Or in the long run, actually gone right.

3. “You are not who I thought you were.”

Well, in that case, I can only refer to the previous declaration. If you don’t like me the way I am, clearly we are not meant to be together.

4. “You are fat.”

Translated: You are not good enough for me. This is a double triple absolute no-no. Unacceptable. No excuses. If your partner says that, well, No. No way. No.

5. “Why can you not just be what I need?”

Darling, because neediness is not love. By any means. I am not here to fill your gap.

6. “You are so beautiful.”

Truth. Spoken. Perfectly worded.

7. “You are amazing.”

I know, darling. You are as well. But please remember that we have only had sex twice so far.

8. “I could have sex with you all the time.”

I know. Me too. It’s been amazing in the last two weeks. Abso-fucking-lutely.

9. “Why don’t we make love anymore?”

My love, I am angry and I just want to fuck you. It’s not hard to understand. There is no tenderness at the moment. I think they call it make-up sex?

10. “Would you like to watch porn together?”

I leave the answer to you. All tastes are different.

11. “My mother loves you.”

That’s great, but do you love me as well?

12. “My friends love you.”

Wonderful. But I don’t really want to do your friends. So again, do you love me as well?

13. “No, you hang up.”

OMG, we have all been there. Pathetically cute. Now please, hang up.

14. “Will you marry me?”

When? Where? Who can I invite? Let’s elope… now. Google it, there are actual elopement packages.

15. “Darling, I found the perfect home for us.”

My home is where you are, my love, even if it is under a bridge in the rain.

16. “Do you like Pina Colada?”

Yes. Yes. Yes. Love it. Straight from the bottle.

17. “I like that song as well.”

Awesome. I can see a future together.

18. “You want children, don’t you?”

Some questions you just can’t ask like that. Yes, I would love to have children, but I can’t due to circumstances beyond my control. And I don’t want to talk about it to you. Yet.

19. On a first date: “You are so sexy.”

How much wine did you have again?

20. “You are the one.”

Was that before or after we had sex? The exact point of time is essential for the interpretation of this statement. An orgasm can change everything.

21. “I am sick. Will you look after me?”

When you are feverish and grumpy, I love you the most. Truth. I do.

22. “You don’t need make-up.”

Ladies, marry that one. Seriously. Propose, right away.

23. “I have never met a girl like you.”

Well, there is a lot of room for interpretation. In the good version, he is either an unkissed virgin or simply just a good-hearted guy. In the bad version, he just wants to get into your pants.

On a different note, the good version guy still wants that of course, but he has more honorable motives. You might even Google elopement packages together in the near future.

24. “Let’s share popcorn.”

My place or yours?

25. “I’d like to take this to the next step.”

Clarification, please. Sex? Marriage? Meet the parents?

26. “Why are you looking at that guy?”

Because he’s hot. It’s just a look, babe. That’s all.

27. “Let’s have breakfast in bed.”

Yes, all right then. If we must.

28. “Would you like to drive my car?”

Which one? Is this a trick question? The red jaguar in the driveway? Maybe.

29. “Does my bum look big in this?”

Come on, ladies! Whatever the poor guy says, it won’t be right. If he says No, we’ll say, You’re lying, and if he says Yes, it’s over. Totally.

30. “I have given birth to your children!”

That’s what I tell you anyway and you fell for it all those years ago, even if they do look like your best mate…

31. “Your lips are so kissable.”

Stop talking, for crying out loud, and walk your talk, baby.

32. “You are a woman of mystery.”

Oh. My. This could mean everything or nothing. This statement is literally mysterious in every possible way.

33. “Where have you been all my life?”

Another one of those questionable statements. You might just have been great in something, or you might be the one… to take out the garbage.

34. “It was love at first sight.”

You need to see an optometrist. ASAP. On a more serious note, this is beautiful. In a cliché kind of way, right?

35. “I feel as if I have always known you all my life.”

Darling, you have not seen me on a bad hair day yet. And those legs don’t shave themselves. It’s all maintenance, but don’t worry, after a while we’ll really get to know each other. In a good way.

36. “Would you like to date?”

Okay, so what does dating mean for you? Sex? A romantic dinner? Sex after that?

37. “I am shy.”

Honey, we all are. For heaven’s sake, leave the light on.

38. “I don’t want you to see my wobbly bits.”

“Well now that’s a bit pointless, isn’t it? As I happen to have a very high regard for your wobbly bits. In all circumstances.” ~ Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

For that statement I will be forever grateful. Stop hiding, ladies, guys love it! And if they don’t, it’s time to move on, baby. Wobbly bits and all.

39. “Let me hold the door open for you, please.”

OMG, marry him. There and then.

40. “Dinner was wonderful, my love.”

That’s what you say. No matter what. Appreciate each other’s efforts. Always.

41. “I am allergic to cats.”

Well, honey, there’s the door. Sorry.

42. “I don’t know what I saw in you.”

Remember, I told you to go to the optometrist years ago.

43. “I am so into you.”

I know. I understand. Of course you are. But we are still not having sex. Yet.

44. “Let’s have a threesome.”

Whatever works for you, baby, but now if you’ll excuse me, ’cause I’m out.

45. “Maybe we should see other people.”

Okay, sure. Did you mean to say, let’s shag other people whilst still acting as a couple?

46. “It’s just someone I am currently shagging. All casual, nothing serious.”

Okay. Too much information. Thank you.

This is the top line of how not to win a heart over. The whole she does not mean anything. Great. I will never be she.

47. “What do you want from me?”

All you have to give, baby. In return, you get all of me. Deal?

48. “I need you to change!”

Well, sorry, but love is not a one-way street. We will need to compromise. Sometimes it gets hard. But our love is worth it.

49. “You never liked my family.”

True. But they never liked me either. I married you, not your aunt Edna.

50. “Why are you still talking to your ex?”

I need you to trust me. We really are just good friends. He will always be in my life.

51. “I did not mean to hurt you.”

I know, but just give me five minutes whilst I hug my pillow. Or drink that beer with my mates. Or whatever else I need to do. Just give me time.

52. “Did you pick up the kids?”

Honey, I thought it was your turn.

53. “I love you, possibly forever.”

These words are so powerful and strong, yet so many hearts have been broken by saying this too soon, too late, maybe never. It still remains the mountaintop of them all. I love you, whispered softly. Surrender.

Love, it has a mind of its own…

And because love does not follow rules, there has to be one more number, the one that shows up outside the box, the one number that counts the most…

54. If it feels right, it is right. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Trust your intuition. You are worth being loved, exactly how you are. You are a unique, beautiful, hopefully weird variation of a theme. Being human. You are love in its best form.

PS: And if you have not watched the movie Love Actually, you have to. Tonight. With wine and chocolate. Or beer and nuts. Whatever way works for you. Just watch it. I have seen it. 23 times. So far.

Love, Ulli

 

*****

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