Living With Men Who Look At Other Women
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I have always prided myself on being comfortable in my own skin.
I don’t need plastic surgery to be attractive (although I have to admit I sometimes long for big fake boobs, and if you got ’em, girl, rock ’em!). I don’t mind getting older — in fact, I honestly declare that each decade has been better than the last.
Sure, I sometimes look in the mirror and try to wish the wrinkles away, but the irony is that I get more attention from guys now, at the age of 53, than I did at 23.
In fact, I had a gorgeous 24-year-old hitting hard on me the other night. I might have acted on the desire that situation created if not for the fact that he was one of my son’s childhood friends! How could I not be flattered when he told me he remembered, as a boy, wanting to be invited to our house just in the hopes that I would be there?
And how could I not be charmed when he turned out to be a badass dancer that whispered, “God, you’re gorgeous” every time he pulled me close?
Pause. Down, bad cougar! Down! Sorry about that, but thanks for letting me savor the moment. Moving along now.
Anyway, despite the delightful attention my middle-aged, non-magazine-perfect person attracts from men, I had a difficult time when my partner would look at other women and comment on their beauty, boobs, sexiness, etc. Being a modern woman, I would pretend to laugh at his comments as if they meant nothing to me.
But deep down, I struggled with the feeling that I wasn’t enough, wasn’t sexy or busty or young enough. And I’d go home feeling hurt, angry and defensive. Fuck him, I’d think, there are plenty of guys who want me. If he’s not one of them, time to move on.
It took a lot of conversations with my Self and with my guy to finally resolve this situation. Here are the steps I took to cure those pop-ups of insecurity:
1. I renewed my daily practice of affirmations and gratitude. I start every morning now telling myself that I am beautiful, strong, smart, creative, etc. (Hey, in this world of criticisms and competitiveness, we need to regularly remind ourselves of our own worth). I also express my gratitude for the beautiful gifts of the day.
2. I explored what I gained from the jealousy his comments evoked (everything we do ultimately serves a positive intent, and when we understand where it occurs in our body and what purpose it serves, we can both be thankful for it and learn to rise above it). I realized that the jealousy was fueling both my need for certainty and uncertainty (two of the six human needs).
Clearly, I needed more certainty from my man (see number three below) but I also realized that the uncertainty triggered a certain amount of, um, excitement — kind of like the way an adrenaline sport is both dangerous and exciting (see number five).
I thanked my body and soul for providing for my needs and I came up with a plan for meeting those needs in a more healthy way.
3. I explained my need for certainty to my guy and asked for his help. I suggested he could simply add an affirming comment after his observations.
For example, “God, look at her huge boobs,” could be followed with, “but I love your sweet peaches best.” After exclaiming, “Nice booty,” about another woman, he might add, “I’m coming after your sweet booty tonight.” Preferably with a lascivious wink.
4. I informed him that it was not absolutely mandatory that he comment on other women’s bodies to me. He was, surprisingly, surprised by this (never assume a man sees things the same way you do). Since then, he has reduced his verbal observations to me, although I still see him looking. And I’m okay with that. Hell, I look at other women’s bodies too.
Admit it, don’t we all?
A male friend of mine once got chewed out by his wife for looking at another woman’s ass (okay, it was my ass). He told his wife, “I look at everyone’s asses — male, female, horse, whatever.” And it’s true! We are visual people (especially men) and we look around. I tell my guy, “Perv all you want, as long as you bring it home to me.”
5. I made a game out of it. On a night out I might tell him, “I am going to pay attention to you when you look at other women. And each of those looks is going to get you a special little punishment in bed tonight.” If he looks at someone, he’ll look at me and see I saw it.
I’ll raise my eyebrows and give him a naughty little smile, and I can practically see him squirm at the thought of what I might do to him when we get home (I’ll leave that to your own juicy imagination).
These creative approaches to the very common issue of women taking offense at their guy’s roaming eyes have strengthened our relationship. We’ve turned what could be drama and negativity into something playful and positive. And, as a friend of mine says, “If you’re not having fun, you’re not doing it right.”
Now, go out there and have some fun!
*****
Cate Schultz Mighell is a Seattle native and incurable adventurer. She is passionate about pushing boundaries — in business, in travel, in hobbies, in expectations, in writing, in love. She has lived many lives, from French teacher, to stay-at-home mom, to commercial aviator, to traveling seeker, to author and speaker. She currently is writing the sequel to her mystery, Silent Sky, and drafting a guidebook entitled “At The Intersection of Sacred and Carnal.” Cate also practices as a Life Coach to anyone wanting to shine at their full brilliance. She can be read at her blog or reached via email.
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