She Never Intended To Get Involved — But It Was Unstoppable.
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She cringed and fought back more tears as she heard him peel out of her driveway. She was so distraught, devastated that this was happening.
Why didn’t she just tell him the truth?
Because then he would think she was crazy, and not want to see her anymore. She fell onto the couch and stopped fighting the tears, letting them stream down her cheeks, warm and salty as they reached her lips, and dripped from her chin.
The pain was searing through her like hot lava, flowing through her limbs.
She had never intended to get involved with someone, as she had become involved with him. It has just happened so naturally, it had become a thing before she could even consider stopping it.
Truth be told, she didn’t want to make it stop but, she knew her secret was going to screw everything up at some point, and here she was, crying; him having left while angry with her.
She felt so lost, helpless, trapped and burdened. She wanted to scream, vomit her illness all over her hardwood floors.
She wanted to throw open the front door and run wildly down the street with careless abandon, howling, a spectacle for all to see.
She fought the urge to pull at her mane of fierce red curls, tugging until she had fistfuls of hair that she could throw in the air, and watch fall at her feet, lifeless.
She had been so careful, hiding her secret; only her psychiatrist and her therapist knew how bad her OCD had become this past year; especially her evening rituals:
Folding and unfolding and re-folding pajamas on the end of her bed, hot water face washing, followed by ice cold face washing and then a bleaching of the sink. Bathroom light on, and off, and on, and off, a total of 22 times.
Prayers to a God she didn’t even know existed, that had to be said in the exact same way, or she would surely die in her sleep.
This is why he couldn’t spend the night. This is why he peeled out of her driveway, misunderstanding her resistance to letting him stay, as one of disinterest. Not having any clue it was born from fear and embarrassment.
She continued to sob softly as she counted to 20 over and over in her mind, feeling trapped.
*****
Vanessa Jasek is a wife and mother of four kids. She is a student pursuing a Liberal Arts Degree after a long career in Human Resources. Vanessa is now an author that is following a new path in life, a brilliant path of words, mysteries that unravel as each new word appears on the screen. She loves to read. She loves her two bulldogs. Life is good.
She loved him.
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