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A Return to Innocence.

{Photo via Pinterest}

{Photo via Pinterest}

I’ve been searching for my innocence.

I’ve been looking for that semblance of a girl who used to wish upon the stars before going to bed. Looking for the girl who would draw pictures of her Prince Charming and imagine being swept off of her feet.

Looking for the girl who’d giggle when she tripped in hopscotch and chased butterflies in her spare time. I’ve been looking for her, somewhere, and anywhere, in the bottommost parts of my heart.

I’ve been searching for my innocence. I’ve been looking for that piece of a girl who ended up growing up. Is there anything left of her? Is there anything left of the girl who would hide behind her mother’s skirt, afraid of letting go of what she loved?

I’m looking for the girl who stayed up late reading books with a flashlight. I’m looking for the girl who watched everyone else get boyfriends but patiently waited until the right one smiled at her. I’ve been looking for her, somewhere, and anywhere, in the freckles marking my skin.

I’ve been searching for my innocence. I’ve been looking for the heart of a girl that filled with joy like a balloon when the sun rose. Have you seen her? I’ve been looking for the shy girl, the quiet girl, the one who felt more at home in a library than a lunchroom.

I’m looking for the girl who played dress-up and pictured her life when she was older. Am I who she thought she would be? Is that girl me? I’ve been looking for her, somewhere, anywhere, but I think it’s anywhere but here.

I wonder if I’ve lost who I once hoped I’d become. I wonder if I’ve given up on dreams I used to hold on to. Maybe I gave them up for bigger ones?

A part of me regrets losing the laughter that floated like cotton candy off of my tongue, the smile that came with a gap, and a sheer fear of doing anything wrong. I’ve done so much wrong since then. I’ve made more mistakes than that little girl was allowed to watch on TV.

I wonder if she would be proud… or if she would be disappointed in me.

I wonder if I’ve lost my way. I used to know just where I wanted to be. Am I on my way there now? How many people have I used, or how many people have used me, to get me to where I am? Is this what I had planned? I’m searching for answers, and I’m trying to find them within myself.

Can’t I just chase butterflies again instead of chasing love? Can’t I just write I love XYZ on my palm and hope a boy would notice in the hallway? Can’t I just have sleepovers and eat ice cream until 3 am? Can’t I just lie in the field and dream around the fireflies?

I want to go back to those days. To the days where there were no boundaries for my dreams. When my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. To go back to the days where everything seemed possible.

I fear I have lost the softness; I fear I have lost the gentle way my thoughts would turn to actions.

Now I am impulsive. Now I am bold. Now I am none the wiser. Now I make mistakes — the same ones. Now I fight for my dreams, but I’m not sure I’m fighting for the right things. I am no longer innocent. I have damage in my journey. I have regret in my past.

I don’t just have rain… I have a hurricane.

I am lost in my ways and I’m just trying to find the path I drew somewhere in a notebook in the fifth grade. Trying the find the path that seemed so easy… the one that didn’t imagine heartbreak, or betrayal, or tragedy. The path that just held butterflies. So many butterflies.

I’ve been searching for my innocence. I’ve been searching for the girl who cut her hair on her own and had disheveled bangs for a summer. That girl still thought she was beautiful. That girl still smiled at the camera. This girl takes a hundred selfies just for something we call an Instagram.

Well, maybe that girl is truly gone. Maybe the one who exists is better than what she’d imagined she’d be. Maybe you need to lose innocence to find your strength. Maybe you need to lose your grace to be bold. Maybe you need to lose yourself a few times just to be found.

I’m looking in the past, but maybe I should look towards the future. Maybe I shouldn’t compare myself with who I once was, instead I should compare myself against who I now want to be. The her that makes me proud. The she that I know I can be.

Innocent or not, I know I’ll have a heart of fire. Innocent or not, I know I’ll speak my mind. Innocent or not, I know I will love harder than anyone I know. Innocent or not, I know I will chase butterflies if I see them.

Do you think the butterfly knew that’s what he would become? I bet he lost his innocence in his cocoon. Maybe, just maybe, that’s what is happening to me too.

 

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Rebelle Society

Rebelle Society

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