How To Create Love & Mutual Respect In A Step-Family.
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Stemming from Cinderella to Hansel and Gretel, to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, our childhood has taught us that life for a stepchild is desolate and bleak. Escapism is the only hope for the quick-witted and for those lucky enough to be rescued by a charming prince, though one could be interpreted as disrespectful and the other as an unlikely dream.
In an ever-increasing world of divorce, and thus, the stepfamily, we can start by dispelling the myth of the stepmother.
I have raised my child according to my model of parenthood, governed by the norms of my experiences and perceptions. But, my ex has chosen a new partner, and by criteria, I am sure, not solely based on ideas of parenthood.
Yes, there are aspects of a person’s personality that signify their general relationship towards others. But, none of these are a definite indication of success as a stepparent. With the myths of stepmothers engrained in the brain of the child, what are the chances of the stepmother winning our hearts?
I too have been acutely apprehensive of stepmothers and remain on edge. When my son was younger, I was afraid to bring in a man who might upset our family dynamic. Taking the view of fairy tales, our family was never at risk of being dismantled because there are no wicked stepfathers.
As I approach 40 in the dating scene, most of the men I encounter are likely to be fathers, and so I pose more of a threat as a potential evil stepmother.
It is unfair to expect someone to love your children in the same way and intensity with which you love them, but mutual respect is the least you can demand. Respect for all parties involved. The idea of instant love for your children is ludicrous, but there is a possibility that a love can grow. So communication is key.
Granted, the version the stepparent has — of who you are — is one created by your ex, either to your favor or against. But family is about togetherness, and the children are where our focus should be centered.
My relationship with my son’s stepmother is at best non-existent. I have never met her, despite all my attempts to foster some kind of courteous acknowledgement. My son and his needs are often overlooked, but on a good day can be endured.
I am bewildered that as adults we still buy into the myth about the crazy ex (I admit though that the crazy exes do exist). So I accept that we will never meet, and this is where I need to step up as a parent and educate my son to the values of being a good houseguest.
I strongly admire stepparents who have stepped into, and fully embraced, their new role. Trying to make something of a situation that was founded by someone else. A situation biased against them. And in the same token, every mother is torn when she hands over her children to another woman.
We may not fully comprehend the challenges faced by either party. But as adults we are essentially reflections of tomorrow’s adults, so let’s not punish the children for the sins of their parents.
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Adelaide Jumbe loves to read, and as of late she is trying out many firsts… and not letting fear and the projection of others’ fears paralyze her. You could contact her via her blog.
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