Fear Of Being Too Much: Don’t Be Afraid To Rock The Boat.
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My latte cost me $6 this morning. I walked five big blocks to find that latte, only to battle with myself before 8 am about whether to hand over the money or not. Pretentious lattes should not cause such inner conflict.
And so I asked again, “Did you say $6?”
And the barista turned to me with a stony face and said, “That’s what I said.”
Once I might have paid or politely said Oh, okay and backed out of the shop. But these days I tend to speak my mind.
And so I said what any self-respecting woman would say before her coffee, before 8 am, before remembering to be nice: “Are you kidding? Keep your stinking six bucks, you jumped-up skippy.”
And then I strutted out. But after I left I began to worry: “Was that too much? Was I too much? Should I go back and say sorry?”
Post-wild-woman guilt, the urge to take it all back and be polite instead, tormented me until my early evening cocktail. Women like me are not always liked.
Many a woman has been the butt of contempt for her willingness to show her wild self.
Herself. Uncensored. Unleashed. The response from others is often to push her away, to abuse her or to reject her in order to claim back some semblance of status quo. Given the risk of exclusion or the memory of past rejections, it would be easy for a woman to never truly be her untamed self again.
What if, when you show your sexiness, your assertiveness or your emotions, it’s too much for others to handle?
Symptoms of the mental affliction entitled Fear of Being Too Much include, but are not limited to:
* Worrying that your red lipstick makes you look like one of those plastic tomatoes you squeeze sauce out of (so you wipe it off or dull it down)
* Feeling like you have to wear control pants to tighten up your curves
* Keeping all of your messy, complicated, emotional, sensitive human-being feelings to yourself.
* Avoiding wearing any items your mother would refer to as tarty
* Not asking for what you want, in case you look demanding or too experienced or what you ask for does not go down well.
Fear of Being Too Much is especially noticeable in new or potential relationships. I should know. I’m in one. I notice this fear when I rip his clothes off quite aggressively, be overly amorous, or reveal awkward feelings that, if mingled with emotion, may be too much for him to handle.
Anyhow… I know my grandmother didn’t worry about being too much. No. This is a contemporary issue for an awakening woman. Once you’ve begun to thaw out all the old ideas about what it means to be a woman, you start to get big in all the right places. Energetically. You want to express yourself. You want to feel. You want to make love with abandon. You want to feel out of control (even if only during sex).
But you’ve been taught (directly or by a creepy great-aunt) that this is not always appropriate or easy for other people to deal with, and so you go and be all nice so that they feel comfortable (and you won’t have to see the fear in their eyes or the rejection in their voice).
But too nice is the enemy of intimacy. It’s a facade (that no one really believes).
There’s a potent, passionate, says-what-she-feels, I-don’t-need-your-$6-latte woman behind all that niceness.
Don’t be afraid to rock the boat.
Don’t be afraid of anger, passion, lust, love, truth-telling. Don’t be afraid of the intimacy that can come from it.
What if, when instead of pulling back, you decide you’re not too much? You’re real. And you’d rather be judged for your realness than live life like a pretty facade rubbing up against another facade but never going deep because you’re not comfortable with your depths and you’re not comfortable with the discomfort of others.
So decide to be real.
You. Are. Not. Too. Much.
You’re not too much if you cry loudly till the snot flows.
You are not too much if you want to talk about your feelings even if it is 3 am.
You are not too much if you show him your love… all the time.
You are not too much if you get angry.
You are just the right amount of enough for the man or woman who is awake to their power too, the one who is a big enough space for you, the one who can meet you.
And in my experience… in the right person’s company, you will always be seen for being exactly the right amount of enough.
In fact your too-much-ness could even be the most beautiful thing they have seen.
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A pleasure and magic seeker, Olivia Bryant is a sexologist, sexuality coach and educator based in Melbourne, Australia. She is moved by epic mountain scenery, watching people dance and is partial to small romantic gestures offered daily. You can find her writing on her blog.
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