I Do Not Miss You, But There’s Something I Miss.
It’s not that I miss someone. No, that’s simply not what this is. Yes, I look back at old pictures and see the smiles and the poses and think to myself, “Wow, that feels like a dream.”
Yes, I think that, and I go back to that time in my life when I thought my future was all figured out and I would never have to small talk on a first date again. I think back and remember how sure I was, and how certain my heart felt. I think back and I feel sorrow for the definite pulse in my soul that was so clearly wrong before.
It’s not that I miss someone. It’s that I’m just a little bit sad that I was wrong. I’m not overly depressed or heartbroken like I was before. I’m a little bit forlorn and lost on where to go. Because for so long I thought I had taken all the right directions to the end point where I once had fallen in love. And even if I’ve fallen out of it and have moved onto a different course… there’s still a feeling of genuine remorse.
It’s really not that I miss you or even your memory. I miss the simple validation that this is what I was searching my whole life for… even if I was mistaken. Clearly, my heart had failed me. And it’s not to say — certainly not to say — that it was the last time that it would.
I do not doubt there is something out there right for me. Because there simply has to be, and that’s just something that I still undoubtedly need to believe.
It’s not that I miss you or miss who I was with you. I am actually prouder of myself than I ever was in those years when I was pretending to be yours. Because I never really was yours, was I? And that’s okay. It really, really is. Because I would rather be mine than anyone’s on any given day. And even so… where do I go from here?
Where do I go from not really missing someone but missing that something that I thought completed everything?
So you’re in love with someone new, and I’m still finding my way from first dates to first drinks. Again, this is really, really okay. Because like I said, I was never yours, and I’m so glad that someone else could be. But again I revert back to me… where do I go from here?
I thought all the answers to all my dreams were answered the first day that you spoke to me. I remember it vividly and clearly, like it was a reoccurring daydream. And then nightmares paled the vision and reality set in, like it always does.
And I moved on, you moved on, and so did the world. But where do I go from here? Where do I go when I don’t miss you but there’s a part of me that looks at our picture and feels a sudden burst of empathy? I don’t feel anything for the contours of your face, but there’s something in the glimmer of your eye that I remember.
I do not miss you, or anyone I once said I loved.
I just missed that confirmation that there was something neither of us could explain. There was something bigger than us. Something stronger than anyone would admit. There was something so vulnerable that it made the weakest people bold. There was something I cannot put my finger on, but I miss it more than I can even comprehend.
So yes, I looked at your picture today and some kind of emotion gave way. It wasn’t for you or what we used to be. It wasn’t anything that people would expect it to be. It was something so much more than that.
I saw you in a photograph, and I remembered what it was like to feel safe. I remembered what it was like to feel content. I remembered what it was like to feel loved, even if it was short.
I remembered that feeling, and it is what I miss. The feeling of belonging and being in the right place — the right space. I do not miss you, but God I miss the feeling of being missed. I miss needing more than I miss wanting, and I demand it to fill this voided space.
And isn’t that all something we crave? Don’t all broken hearts leave a crevice open to the filled and saved?
Sure I can save myself and heal the wounds, but there will always be a gap. There will always be space for someone to come in and replace. And that’s what I miss. Someone to keep that space warm and to remind me that I am not alone. I miss the fullness and the capacity that there is someone in the world who couldn’t live without me.
I certainly do not miss you, but I miss having someone to miss.