Maybe My Healing Isn’t About Me.
This sucks. All of it. The love. The goodbye. Forcing myself to try to let go out of self-preservation. The soul connection that now must be denied in order to survive.
It seems unfair. A cruel joke by the Universe, I think he called it.
And it is. A connection bigger than life, and more beautiful than I could have ever imagined, abruptly severed. A loss of intimacy with my newly expanded life force.
Trying to trust in the act of falling back on God to hold me now, when knowing God more intimately through his love is what I should have been doing from Day One of us. Logic so clearly illustrates why things are meant to be this way, why we can’t be together right now. But my heart protests.
Despite my coaxing and pleading and trying to give it space to surrender, it won’t let go. All of this feels bigger than me, like all I can do is sit back and helplessly watch myself bleed out.
I’ve been through it before — heartbreak, loss, despair. But somehow, being in its depths never gets easier. In fact, it seems the more I learn from my past and make better choices, the greater the subsequent pain, because I find myself falling out of a more perfect romantic union.
More heartstrings authentically employed; more cords to cut and then mend. Damn conscious evolution.
So what do I do, all-powerful and omniscient Universe? What do I do with this powerlessness? What do I do when my heart says, “F-you! Like hell, I’m moving on.”
Your silence is deafening.
Caught somewhere between action and inaction, not really knowing which will help me get through it the fastest, and neither one really working, I wait with bated breath for a sign, a shift, a change — anything that will let me know I can surrender, that I will get through this. The discomfort builds. The anxiety grows. Desperation sets in.
I begin to doubt God. I begin to doubt myself. The pain is unbearable. I feel like I’m spiraling out of control from the inside out, hanging on by a thread of sanity and on the cusp of emotional meltdown. When will it ever pass? I can’t take it anymore!
A break in the storm. An eerie calm filled with numbness and inner quiet. An emotional reprieve, a different kind of silence. I hear no answers, but I also feel no pain. I know it’s not gone for good, that I’ve merely short-circuited while trying to process it all. But it’s enough. Enough for me to be able to take a breath.
To connect to this life, to invite in spirit, to experience wholeness for a few brief moments before it starts all over again.
It is in that breath that I realized that it isn’t just my tears, my pain, my loss. The Universe is hurting too. It brought together two intrinsically conscious souls destined for something great, and as humans in our flawed existence, we unknowingly sabotaged it.
I can’t contain the grief because it’s not meant to be contained, and I can’t lessen it because it’s not mine to lessen. I’m merely a vessel for the Universe to release the loss of its divine creation.
I’ve been begging Source to hold me through all of this when really I’ve needed to be holding Source, comforting it, telling it I’ve learned from my mistakes and won’t hurt it again; I won’t stand in its way. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.
So I take my broken heart and do the only thing I can do. Breathe. Be still. Take in God. And in that shared quiet, we begin to heal together.
Liz King is a grateful corporate-renegade-turned-holistic-advocate on a mission to inspire human evolution, one being at a time. Having spent the better part of the last decade at the mercy of her physical body, she has come to know the importance of embodied awareness and its role in authentically integrating action and intention to live a meaningful and productive life. A therapeutic healing and creativity coach in Boulder, CO, and the inspiration behind The Embodied Revolution, Liz has made it her life’s work to help others navigate their paths from a place of innate body-based wisdom, transforming pain and inertia into synchronous action. Liz is a soul-enthusiast and geeks out on the body, quantum physics, deep discussions, being in nature, baroque music, and doggie snuggles. You could follow Liz on Instagram.