Taking A Bite Out Of My Eating Disorders And Depression.
This is my truth to love and claim.
I have allowed a cycling combination of eating disorders, anxiety, OCD, depression, attachment issues, addictions and self-harm tendencies to claim almost half of my life.
My name is Amanda. I am 29 years old. I am a single mother of two. I am 5 feet 9 inches tall, and I am 90 pounds.
I have battle scars on my arms, and stretch marks and loose skin on my baby-bearing belly. My thighs and legs are tiny, my hair and eyes are brown, my breasts disappeared with the infancy of my children, and pimples, freckles, blackheads and laugh lines are the make-up of my face.
These are just a few of the things you might see if you simply look at me. But what are these things as representations of you or me anyway?
How can they explain the astounding essence that drives us — that which cannot be defined with the world’s mere numbers, labels and sloppily drawn lines?
There finally came a point in time where I made the decision to take my own power back. I decided that I wanted to learn how to reclaim my own temple, body, gifts and name from the depths to which I first lost them in vain.
I realize that I let people, peers, society, and their judgments, expectations, body discomforts, life-ruling limits, lies and illusions cause me strife.
I have been called fat when I was already too thin, and I don’t give a fuck anymore what anyone thinks about the skin I’m in.
I have been called too skinny when I was just right, simply because someone didn’t realize they were trying to cause an energy-sucking fight.
I have been called ugly when everything was perfect where it was at, just so someone could start a tit-for-tat that only ever goes bad.
I now stand up and speak of what is right, and let go of all the things that I held far too long and tight. I speak for myself and those I know who are lost and feeling and struggling alike.
I am made of bones, sinew, blood, sweat and tears; each spirit is an equal and a mirror.
My body is a sacred temple. It is that which houses the gift of breath. It is my tree of life.
I am not just mere atoms, but magic and the fiercest wild-life of darkness and light.
I look not to my past which away I have cast.
I step forward into the more that I know is in store.
I am the boundless oceans and majestic shores.
I am raging rivers cutting through cold stone hearts, evening the imbalanced scales and settling age-old scores.
No one can disturb my peace anymore.
I am more.
I am infinite.
I am ruling my darkness, and it is here that I create my brightest and most honest light.
I am intent on harnessing my masculine and feminine, and being the master chariot of an epic flight.
I will honor and love my body, my temple, my tree and my community as was always meant and is right.
I am the face of the child you bullied only because you learned to bully as you were bullied.
I am the face of the woman you handed your negative energy to as advice because your own discomfort wouldn’t suffice.
I see you. I feel you. You are not alone. I am not alone. We are not alone.
Do my exposed skin and bones make you uncomfortable?
It is time for you too then to learn how to let go of that which isn’t meant for any of us to carry, bear and own.
Sit with the weight of the world upon your weary bones, as I have done for far too long.
Cast away everything you too have been told and shown.
Bodies are not meant to define or to dictate labels or lines.
Hearts cannot be contained by flimsy lines, and love is supposed to be yours and mine.
Stand with me in your truth, power and infinite rainbow glow.
Allow yourself new seeds and dreams to tend and sow.
Let’s stand up and shine and love and fucking glow so bright that the world finally reaches new heights.
Your inner essence is the source of your beauty and might.
Amanda Dobby is a mystic goddess, and a warrior of love and light. She seeks truth and beauty, and loves to dance freely beneath the light of the moon and stars. She is a woman of strength, courage, hope and faith; an artistic master, a daydreamer and a dark-night-weaver. Words flow from her heart with passion, and she loves to share her experiences with compassion. Her home is filled with little giggles, music, magic and good vibes. Self-love and forgiveness is always the name of the game wherever and whenever she holds the reins. She believes life is a wild ride and that it’s all about taking crazy dives to fly high in the sky. You can find Amanda on Facebook or at her website.