An Open Letter To Those Who Would Diminish My Fire.
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A couple of days ago, I had coffee with an old friend whom I hadn’t seen in a few years. It went well, and we parted with a quick hug and plans to do it again soon.
On the drive home, I started to feel horrible. My stomach hurt, and I felt bad about myself. I began rehashing all the choices I’d made over the last 10 years — my spirituality, how I was spending my time, and what food I was eating.
I began replaying our conversation in my head, and realized most of what I was feeling was triggered from that one encounter.
My feelings of not enough and not doing it right were clues for me that my shadow had come out to play, and that I had a choice: I could get curious about it and lean into it, or I could shut it all down and try to self-medicate with food, wine and Netflix. I won’t lie, I self-medicated first, and when that didn’t work, I went to sleep.
The next morning, all the feelings were still there, stubbornly waiting for me. So I leaned in and I listened, and this poured out of me:
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To whomever seeks to diminish my flame — consciously, unconsciously, maliciously, or with the best of intentions (my beautiful shadow-self included),
Thank you for your attention. Thank you for wishing me well and trying to save me or put me on the right path. Thanks also to those with an envious nature and hidden resentment, who choose to shoot invisible beams of meanness my way. Thank you, as this adds fuel to my fire… and by the way, I am just fine.
My way may not look like yours. My way may look like nothing at all. My way may even look as if I am lost or floundering, but I assure you this is not the case.
My life is precious, encompassing the good and the bad. The hard parts are welcome just as much as the fun and easy stuff are. My life is plainly ornate, small in the biggest of ways, and full in its sparsity. My life sparkles from the inside out, and it suits me.
I have days when I feel weak and voiceless… I embrace them, for I know they will come and go. I have days in which I feel on top of the world and that I am the luckiest woman alive — these are a bit easier to embrace, but they will also come and go.
I have finally figured out that all of my life has purpose, and I will no longer try to sit on the things that I feel ashamed of or that feel uncomfortable. I will not rise above them, pray over them, or seek to destroy them. I will allow them to teach me something I need to know. I will acknowledge that they are there for a reason.
I will allow it all to unfold in the most sacred of ways at my cold and eager feet.
I have spent years cultivating the flame you seek to cover with your well-meaning dirt. You will fail. I am no longer a woman who can be broken and molded. I am a woman on fire, and I have things to say.
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Stephanie Gray is an artist, writer and facilitator of process art. She is the co-owner of Creative Nectar Studio and finds her nourishment through creative self-discovery. Find out more on her website or connect with her on Facebook.
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