Thank You For Not Calling.
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Dear You-Know-Who,
I used to anxiously wait for your calls just to hear that irresistible voice that could melt my heart in an instant. I constantly waited for those text messages that could put the biggest smile on my face.
I looked forward to being the first person you talked to in the morning and the last person you told Goodnight. Every I love you sent me over the moon and back a million times. Each time I heard from you made life feel worth living.
The last year showed us the ugly side to that perfect rainbow. I know it was rough, to say the least. It was a year full of heartache, sadness, tears, brutal fights, anger, harsh words, drained emotions, confused feelings, and bittersweet endings.
As much as I wanted to blame you for everything, I knew that wasn’t fair. A relationship, even a failed one, always takes two people. Even now I still haven’t quite figured out my feelings about it, but I will say Thanks for not calling.
In the beginning, each day brought a different emotion. Some days I felt horrible pain, others I felt sadness, and some days I felt nothing at all. It was an awful roller coaster that I was eventually able to exit, thank God.
I know I screamed and yelled and said cruel things, I just hope you knew they came from a place of hurt. I know I told you not to call, but then became angry when I didn’t hear from you. I thought I was at least worth fighting for, but not to you.
I thought it would be easier to never hear your voice again, but that wasn’t the case. Both options hurt like hell. I wish I could’ve fully explained how my mind worked, but I couldn’t even figure it out myself. However, I really want to say, Thanks for not calling.
We did the back-and-forth thing for months on end, expecting the same actions to produce different results. The truth is, the result will always be the same. As hard as it was to go without speaking, and to let go of the mental fantasy future I’d created in my head, it was necessary.
I will say that there were times where your radio silence cut deeper than a knife. There were days when I felt as if you never loved me at all. Doubts and questions constantly filled my mind and tortured my soul
I could never figure out how you could so easily let me go, and I still don’t understand that part. Nevertheless, you kept your word, and never gave in, so Thanks for not calling.
Some wonder why I’m thanking someone who hurt me so deeply and forever changed my life. Buddha’s saying pretty much says it all, Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Holding on to that rage and sadness was only hurting myself.
Trust me, it was far from easy, but I’m grateful I experienced this disaster now rather than later. Later would’ve been much more devastating.
I say Thank you because I wasn’t strong enough to stop communications with you on my own. I was unable to let go of my dream future without being pushed to do so. I was unaware of my true worth, inner beauty, and strength, until I was knocked down and all alone.
Your silence is the only thing that taught me to rely only on myself, and it pushed me to realize the truth. It made me come to terms with the fact that my feelings weren’t reciprocated, and my fantasy was merely a foolish dream. So although it deeply bruised my soul, Thanks for not calling.
Throughout this letter, I used past tense because that’s what all of this is now, the past. I’m happy to say that I finally found the light at the end of that long excruciating tunnel. I learned that inner strength is crucial to living a happy fulfilling life.
I found that trusting oneself is the only way to get through the tough times, the times when all hope seems lost.
I now have nothing but forgiveness and sympathy towards those who have lost me (including you), but I’ve also found a powerful new sense of worth… so once and for all, Thanks for not calling.
***
Myka Shantell is a blogger, singer, and Pediatric RN from the small town of Petrolia, TX (population: 600), who has always enjoyed helping/inspiring others. By the age of 24, she has already achieved a nursing degree, a fulfilling 8-year run with her band, and started her own blog, Thoughts of an Anxious Mind, which she uses to document her life with anxiety. After college, Myka began working and writing on a daily basis, saving lives by day and sharing motivational compositions by night. Myka’s ultimate goal in life is to find true meaning and happiness while encouraging others along the way. She has fierce perseverance and a unique heart that she plans to share with the world.
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