Honoring The Truly Authentic Part Of Me, And Loving My Darkness.
I know I am in love with my darkness.
I realized it after that dream in which I was supposed to sing my favorite singer’s lyrics. My favorite singer arrived right on time to see me sing her old and new songs I had not yet learned.
In my dream, I decided to go and sing her old songs I knew by heart. Those songs have always been a priority for me. Life has to stop every time I hear her songs.
In my dream, I was having the chance to be heard and listened to by my favorite singer.
I had this dream after fighting the night before against my darkness. When I woke up from the dream, I realized that my favorite singer and all her songs represented my darkness. I realized then how much I loved her.
Every time I sing her songs, it is as if I’m singing a hymn to myself. It is like honoring that truly authentic part of me. When opening my eyes, I stated to myself, “I love my darkness!” Instead of fighting with it, love it.
I love my darkness because when I am aware of her presence in my life, I get in touch with a deep authentic part of myself that I cannot possibly reach when only in the presence of my inner light.
I love my darkness because it makes me feel whole and complete.
I love my darkness because it makes me feel human, far from perfect.
I love my darkness because it helps me connect with other imperfect amazing human beings like myself.
I love my darkness because it reminds me of my own fragility, your fragility, and the fragility of life.
I love my darkness because without it, I would not have been able to deepen my relationships with my fellow travelers in this life.
I love my darkness because it gives me a reason to make life better for others and myself.
I love my darkness because it has taught me about the good risk of allowing myself to become vulnerable, in times of difficulties, to those who care about me.
I love my darkness because it helps me appreciate the complexity of life.
I love my darkness because it allows me to feel a sense of mastery when trying to work with it and through it.
I love my darkness because everyone has darkness in them.
I love my darkness because without it I would be less human.
And believe me, when I say that I love my darkness, I do not mean that I love to suffer. I just realized how happy I was when I woke up from that dream, not hating the dark part of myself, but realizing how much I loved it.
I love all of myself, and not just one part or fragments. I do not want to only love the parts that deserve to be loved, or the parts that readily show up every day to make my day bright and happy.
I do not want to only love the parts that know how to make me laugh, the conciliatory part, the smart and bright part of me.
I want to also love those that are kind of difficult to live with, to listen to, to talk to, to convince, to convert to the light, but who always refuse it.
I love all of who I am, no matter if some of those parts have been shamed, embarrassed or unacknowledged in the past. Even more reason why they need to be loved.
I do now embrace all of myself. When I woke up from that dream and felt all of my own self-love, I danced because I realized I do not have to hide parts of myself anymore.
I can now grab the microphone and sing those love songs, that clearly say how much I have fallen in love with my darkness, to myself.
Merari Fernandez is a native Puerto Rican woman, who has found in writing the power of healing herself and the world. Encouraged as a child to put her mind into writing by her grandmother, she has found it beneficial when she cannot find the spoken words and when she has something important to say that can shake someone’s perspective. She is a therapist in private practice in Chicago at The Healing Journey Psychotherapy, and has devoted her life to work with survivors of abuse as well as with any suffering human being who has come to her for support and help. She loves Yoga, animals, the sun, the moon, the sea and the forest and anything that claim to be alive. Although, she feels deeply connected to her past ancestors. She continuous finds new ways to be present with her current life and is open to what life brings to her.