poetry

Freedom From The Doubt. {poetry}

Held captive
at a long red light
Gray sleet smears my view
Hit the wipers to clear my sight
And then… I saw you
Holding her close
and laughing
She was soaking in your charms
Damn that echo feeling of
Safe
In your loving arms
I saw you kiss her forehead
Just like you had kissed mine
A thousand times
I felt those lips
That belonged to me one time
Your Cloud Nine smile said
everything…
Her hair was gold… and long
I reached to kill the radio
Fucking sad old country song
My breath was gone
my vision blurred
The rain had stopped
old feelings stirred
You never loved me like that
I wanted you, too,
but thru fears…
I knew
You never loved me like that
Those days are gone
in a way, I’m glad
No wish I had’s…no empty sad
Just seeing you again with her
And me out here, without
No freedom from the memories
but freedom from the doubt
Ending it was for the best
My friends and family said
Me doing all the work on us
you lived rent-free
in my head
I tried to ignore
the asymmetry
Of our wants, our needs
our chemistry
The nights grew brief
the kisses colder…
How did I live
and breathe like that
Feeling distant, feeling older
My thoughts race back…
early timeless days
of being loved by you
The tender roughness of your
ways
in your eyes
I stayed brand new
That day we slept
then talked
of forever…
the next…
you text No Deal
Made me doubt myself
and never
again
will you for me be real
The shock changed me
… not for the better
You left me frozen there
I wrote my pain into the letter
you never opened
it’s clear
I’ve held the past
like time in a jar
Just coping without you
I throw in the towel
you’re her problem now
I give the devil his due…

Seems the weight’s been lifted
Time’s been gifted
Life taps, inviting me to spar
She is what I wouldn’t be
There is no us
in this car
Makes you happy
that’s plain to see
I give her thanks…
graciously
She’ll find out soon enough
what I now know
by heart
She gave her life so that I
can be free
I got the brand new start…
Gotta know
Gotta grow
this turbo’s rockin’ with me
says Get it on with life,
and TCB
It’s sunny, bright and big
out there
And if God’s willing
I’ll be headin’ where
my heart says it feels
like home
Have to claim this life
make it mine again
A wide open path
to roam
You never loved me like that
I wanted you to, but thru fears
I knew
You never loved me like that
Those days are gone
and I’m so glad
No wish I had‘s, no empty sad
Just seeing you again with her
And me out here, without
sweet freedom from the memories
Freedom from the doubt…

***

CharanRoseCharan Rose is a grandmother, mother, sister, aunt, niece and cousin to many, a wife to none. She grew up late in life, on her hands and knees, searching for fossils and long-forgotten artifacts in the remote fields of Texas and Oklahoma. With each one she found, she said, ‘Hello, I see you, I know you were here’. She has too many pets and not enough time to tend to the crying baby that is her (he)art. She studied her children and the earth, and got a PhD in Hopelessly Grasping at Immortality just recently. The submissions for others’ ultimate approval, the art, photography and writings, are her hieroglyphs — proof she existed, which is all any of us can hope for.

***

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