troublemakers

It’s Mine, All Mine, All Deliciously Mine: 5 Keys To Living Your Wild.

This is mine: Me.

My buzz, my charge, my electricity; the way I’m turned on, right now.

My beast, my Feminine, my halle-bloody-lujah thank the lord I’ve finally come out to play.

It’s all mine. I’ve had to discover this the hard way, but I’m finally starting to see, to really see.

See that there is just so much of me. So much charge, so much electricity, so much wild.

And I mean this seriously, so please take it in.

There are so many parts of me that I just didn’t take true ownership of before. So many parts of me that I waited on — until the right guy, the right house, the right possession showed up, before I allowed her to say Hello, I’m here.

Because when I was a little girl, I got so confused.

I got confused because the only time I got turned on was when he was around. When that cute guy that I liked was around, I got turned on and flustered and lost my words.

And so I thought it was him, that I needed him, and that delusional lesson got flattened into my soul and I never knew it until I grew up, started doing some difficult inner work, and untangled this ancient, hallucinatory knot that got me stuck, and tied up and twisted into a piece of tongue-tangled rope that I couldn’t undo or escape from.

But fast forward some heartbreak later, and I see now that it’s not him. I’m older now, and I can land more deeply into myself, feel more deeply into myself where my knowing and wisdom and intuition strongly call to me.

And there, I hear. There, I feel. There, I see, and there, I saw.

I saw that the guy you think you are in love with, he’s just a button-pusher, a door-opener. Just like the boss you hate, the girl you envy. All just button-pushers, door-openers, to you.

And you know it, but the point is not just knowing it, but living it as a felt reality, otherwise we will always just be looking out there, waiting and yearning and thinking that we know.

As I waited, I yearned — to discover, to uncover, to unleash me, myself and I onto the world — and now finally, I am uncovering, discovering, unleashing so many beautiful parts of myself.

Parts of me that have been lost, or maybe just submerged; that got mixed up, and confused, and scared. Scared to be seen, to come out. Scared to come out because she was just… too… much.

Too much for you?

No. Maybe that’s the story I told myself, and it is kind of true, because it takes getting that outer approval to realize that it wasn’t that I was scared I would be too much for you, I was scared I would be too much for me. Because let me tell you, if you can’t handle me, what do you think it’s like for me?

Yes, the deeper truth that I uncovered is that quite simply, I was just… too… much… for. me.

Because how do you handle a supersonic, subsonic, mind-altering, craze-tonic, psychobabble, hallucinating, dream-busting, hip hop-rapping bitch? Exactly, and what the hell does any of that mean anyway?

Do you see my problem?

I am a fire-dragon, mermaid-siren, poet-writer, princess-fairy, vampire-queen-whore, and that’s just scratching the surface.

Do you see? Do you see how much is down there, just underneath, that we can’t even name? We can’t! The language just doesn’t exist yet.

And yet, it’s a force majeure that pulls us deep and drives us a thousand miles around the world in our heads. It’s a power that hell hath absolutely no fury over whatsoever.

She is made up of lifetimes. Lifetimes worth of pain and struggle and grit and dirt; and sunshine, and music, and magic; and fairy wands and deep underwater blue sea creatures.

I write about them all, often.

Because yes, I do know now, without a shadow of a doubt, that all of this is real.

Rilke said:

“… the experiences that are called visions, the whole so-called spirit world, death, all these things that are so closely related to us, have through our daily defensiveness been so entirely pushed out of life that the senses with which we might have been able to grasp them have atrophied…”

And “… only someone who is ready for everything, who doesn’t exclude any experience, even the most incomprehensible, will live the relationship with another person as something alive and will himself sound the depths of his own being.”

And so, I am indeed sounding the depths of my own being. I have the depths of the deepest, most unimaginably deep, underwater ocean kingdoms within me, where mermaid-sirens and drowned sailors die, and the thing is, they drown me and you too, when we dare to come a bit closer.

And it is so consuming and submerging and overwhelming down there that I lose my breath, I can no longer breathe, because She fills me up with so much electric, translucent, buzzing, music, life, ocean, tidal waves of something I cannot even put into words. Which is why I die into the depths of poetry which speaks a language all of its own.

And then there’s the fire. The burning fires of hell that we have within our souls. I have it, you have it too, you know that. There’s a hell-fire in you that will even scare the sun, like a nuclear power blast that will ripple throughout the veils of time, burning hell, burning heaven, burning everything and every world that ever existed between them.

But what, you might ask, what can I do?

Well, here are 5 keys that I found helpful in how to live as your wild self:

1. Play: You must dance. You must play. There is no other surrender worthy of living. Because if you don’t, it will drive you crazy. You will be asphyxiated with your own burning want, jealousy, envy or bitterness. You will be washed ashore with your own drowning desire or lust or intoxication.

You are too powerful to be controlled. The only path that could ever lead to a vaguely sane life where you can live, just on the edge, but not fall over it every time you dare to feel there, is to dive in, to surf the waters, and to play with those secret dolphins who swim and lurk in the backwaters of your mind.

2. Notice: You need to notice when your dolphins swim up, when your fire-dragon is exhaling fire, notice when your heart fills with so much emotion that you can hardly breathe.

And it will almost always happen around people, the button-pushers, the igniters, the doorway-men — those magical keys that can open the gates to your heart, your inner being(s).

3. Feel deeper: And when you notice, when you come up, when she comes up, try not to put her into a box, try not to label her. Sure she may come in a cloak of dislike, of hate, of jealousy even, but what’s below?

There’s often a rage there, a fire there, a desire to kick or beat or stomp your foot, let her out in a way that plays you out. In a way that unleashes the most incredible, intoxicating music of your own soul onto the world because, believe me, once you start to do this, you won’t ever want to go back. You’ll realize that all along she’s the only music you ever really wanted to hear, the only dance you ever really wanted to perform, the only song you ever really wanted to sing.

4. Store her: You can store her, so that when you need that doorway opened again, you can simply access that magical key and use it. She or he doesn’t need to be there. You can now access your power any time. So play, channel, dance, whatever the damn you want to do.

5. Lastly, remember: Remember this, that your song, your music, your dance is the most delirium-inducing, wild, hilarious drug-force of happiness that you can ever know — and the same goes for any others when you spread this happiness all over them like butter by sharing your whole hallucinogenic magic self.

So say this, “It’s not theirs, it’s not yours, it’s mine, all mine, all deliciously mine.”

***

BethDahillBeth Dahill is a Buddhist healer, poet and writer who has been in involuntary solitary confinement for an eternity, and who is only just discovering the crooks of her soul — after a long voyage, along hidden underwater tramlines to ocean kingdoms and dried up dreams. She has a universe of ‘unsayable saids’ to share through poetry — both dark and light — as well as through her everyday meanderings of a passionate Buddhist who walks the ordinary person’s path, voyaging down that untrodden road to everlasting bliss. You could contact her via her website.

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