happiness

Glow: Finding My Soft Place To Land.

It was there, in the back of my brain, waiting for the most opportune time to jump forward when I would be ready to see it, to hear it.

It was the notion that I can create my own destiny. I can manifest what I want in life. I can demand it and invent it, just like I had created things in the past. I made beautiful things: art, a marriage, and my ultimate creation… three beautiful children. Lately, I find expression in writing. But all these things started from nothing and became more.

They began as an idea, a desire, or an expression of who I was.

Now things are different. The marriage no longer fit me. I was bursting at the seams with longing and growth. The crumbs of affection and support no longer fed me. I needed more. More love, support, passion, sex, more celebration of life.

I met with a therapist for the first time in my life with the sole purpose of learning how to put myself first. For an empathic, nurturing woman, this was a Herculean task. I began a regime of self-care that included meditation, Yoga, music, massage, exercise, dance, laughter, and deep breathing.

I separated from some negative forces in my life, bought new clothes, beautiful perfume, and sexy underwear. The only person to share this with was the one I came to treasure the most. Me.

So I moved forward, but how to get what I really wanted? How to acquire what I now felt that I deserved? I was now brave, and despite my 52-year-old body that had been through trauma, loss, three children, and a long-lasting love affair with carbohydrates, I fully embraced my beauty.

I wasn’t fat, I was lush. My skin was soft as butter and creamy white. My red hair, which now was streaked with white, was wild, curly and untamed like my soul. I was sensual, sexy, smart, creative, passionate, and ready to feast.

That’s when the idea leaped from the back of my brain to the front, and demanded my full attention. Picture what you want. Write it out. What was it that would nourish my soul? If I could picture it, like I had with some things in my past, I could manifest it. But this time I needed to make it more of a focused entreaty rather than a general wish.

With these desires in mind, I continued to let my guard down and truly become myself once more. I spoke my mind, allowed myself to feel deeply, and reveled in the beauty surrounding me. I finally felt alive and began to glow. But I so wanted to have someone to share my joy with.

But how and with whom? I loved my own company but craved another kindred spirit. I started by creating a mantra. I ruminated about the qualities that I would want in a life partner. I wanted to be with someone who was kind, generous, good-natured, with an artistic soul. A sensitive man with a warm smile.

He would be sensual and sexy, funny and supportive. Someone I could feel safe enough with to allow myself to be vulnerable. I let these thoughts tumble around in my brain, sift through my body, and seep through my pores.

A giver, not a taker. Someone who could see the gifts I had to offer. I was on a mission to find my soul mate. But where would I find him?

As a lark, I perused online dating sites. The stories of the men I found there were fascinating. I love stories, and was disappointed by the ones that didn’t give more details. There were a lot of similar profiles, and some that bored me and also made me laugh.

I found some to be earnest, disingenuous, lonely, and most just looking for love or a quick hook-up.

At first, I was too scared to do more than look, then something inside me said, Go for it. Intuitively I knew that if I took this leap of faith, it would get me on the road to forgiveness of all that had gone wrong in my marriage and move me forward in my healing.

So I began my mantra, keeping all of those qualities that I would cherish in another in my mind. I summed it up in one statement. I am looking for a soft place to land.

I looked at all of those faces, some handsome, kind, lonely, cocky, desperate, and in my mind asked, Where are you?

Then I saw a pair of soulful brown eyes staring back at me. From his profile he seemed to be a kind and sensitive person. So, scared to death, I reached out to him and he reached back. First we chatted online, then emailed, and then somehow I was brave enough to call him.

We chatted more, and then finally, he was the brave one and asked me out.

I said Yes, and danced around my living room in joy. We went on our first date and it was lovely, and when we kissed in front of the Christmas lights, I knew. I knew for sure that there was something there.

I found him to be kind, generous, and good-natured, with an artistic soul. He was sensitive, sensual, sexy, funny and supportive. I have never let myself be so vulnerable, nor have I ever felt so safe and loved. Best of all, the exact way I felt inside — soft, sensual, smart, sexy — he saw, and breathed back to me in genuine veneration.

I glow so brightly now that I am incandescent. I am myself, finally, and have found someone who fully embraces me.

I have found my soft pace to land. It is him and it is me, but most of all, it is us together.

***

ChristineWaldmanChristine Waldman has had several articles published with such online sites as, PhlMetropolis, Thrift Store Confidential, Chainbooks, and Sensheant Magazine. She is also a contributor to the anthologies, Tips For Teenagers, Memories From Maple Street, USA — Leaving Childhood Behind, and Memories From Maple Street, USA –The Best Christmas Ever. Recently, Christine had an article, Childhood Adventure, published in Delaware Beach Life Magazine. When Christine is not writing, you will find her laughing with either her three children or her ever increasing number of amazing friends.

***

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