Hot And Bothered By Passion.
Burning hot passion is often touted as being life’s magical elixir. In the throes of it, the fiery flames connect us to feeling alive.
Even the afterglow of its embers leaves one elated and elevated. Passion is a place where logic is thrown out of the door, and sweet emotion fills the senses. In this space, one is no longer bothered by pesky differences, and is instead delighted by unified pleasure.
Passion wants to give us pleasure, it wants our attention. Passion asks that we surrender. It wants us to let go, though most importantly it wants us to trust. Passion wants us to feel an uninhibited connection, it wants to lead us in a joyous dance and to our highest calling.
Passion can be fickle. Present in one moment, absent the next. Passion is something so few understand. It is a wild energy that needs to be free. Most importantly, it needs air in which to breathe.
Many do everything within their power to hold on to it. They attempt to control or contain it, and wind up smothering it, leaving one uncertain as to what has happened, as they sit there before a pile of ashes.
Follow your passion, they say, it will lead to a happy and fulfilling life. Why follow something that can leave one scorched and burned? Isn’t it much safer to stay away from passion’s volatile flames? Yet, like a moth attracted to a flame, one finds themselves unable to resist its magnetic pull.
I have found myself in this push-pull dance with passion. I have experienced frustration in not knowing what my life’s passion is. Feeling quite certain once I discovered it that all my life’s troubles would magically melt away. Then I could join the ranks of those living in forever orgasmic bliss.
Isn’t that the big pull… to feel good, to feel wonderful, to have the feeling of being on cloud nine? I looked for passion in my romantic partnerships. Sometimes I found it via a long lingering kiss, or while rolling in between kicked-aside sheets. A hot night of passion would often leave me feeling satisfied, though I found myself aching for more.
Passion never had enough gumption to follow me to the office in the light of day. Rather, it always chose to turn its back toward me while hiding its nakedness beneath the sheets. Sorry, sweetheart, you must navigate that smoggy chokehold space on your own.
As I spent day after day sitting in my office, I felt my life force energy being sucked away. Gut instinct told me to get out or be burned alive. I found leaving in pursuit of a bliss-filled life to be both terrifying and thrilling. Freedom to be me helped me summon up enough courage to leave. Though forever bliss didn’t follow.
The clients were not coming and money was not flowing. Deep fear and anxiety came flooding in, and promptly proceeded to extinguish any remaining traces of fire left within me.
I sat before my ash pile, feeling betrayed. I had followed my bliss as instructed, or so I thought. I turned my own back on passion, and found myself a new line of work. A job that provided a steady paycheck in exchange for long hours and feelings of overwhelm, which later led to emotional burnout and brought out the bitch in me.
My bitch breathed fire into my belly and spat profanities from my mouth. She left a bloodstained trail of negativity everywhere she went. Her spewing wrath found its way into my home life. Her anger was hell-bent on destroying everything. My life partner demanded I quit my job before she totally burned away everything.
He was right, things needed to change. Oh god, could I really trust him to care for me? He promised to not let go as he wrapped his arms around me and lifted my body from the soul-licking flames.
He placed his lips upon mine and breathed much-needed oxygen deep into my being, while creating a safe space for me to rest and to do absolutely nothing.
I spent the next several years treating my burns with a soul-soothing salve. I allowed my wounds to bleed upon paper. I set about the task of rebuilding, and beautifying both my inner and outer space. Eventually, I met up with joy on the dance floor. Though throughout it all, this whole life-passion thing remained elusive to me.
I have seen so much joy on the dance floor. I have seen Nia teachers bring everything they got to this work. I have heard student testimonials of how Nia changed their lives. Why the fuck am I not getting it? Why is this passion thing eluding me?
Granted, Nia has given me a lot. It has helped me heal how I view my body, it has helped me process emotions. It has even allowed the teacher in me to experience pure ecstatic bliss while encouraging others to move their way.
The most important teaching I received in all my Nia trainings came with learning to sit with my truth, to engage in the dance of stillness. To really listen to all of my body’s voices, whether it was physical, emotional, mental or spiritual. I listened to what they wanted to say, while deeply honoring their truth and wisdom.
Thank you, Mama Zeeb, for this most valuable and loving teaching.
In my dance of stillness, I discovered many layers of unprocessed grief. I lovingly held and witnessed myself while traversing through every single one of them. As I fed these layers of grief to the fire of transformation, I began to notice more spaciousness within me. In this spaciousness, it became clear I was looking at passion all wrong.
Some know from an early age where exactly they want to devote countless hours of their precious life force energy. For others, like me, one’s life-passion is not something that can be directed or dictated. It wants us to follow its dance, it wants us to follow its lead. Passion wants us to be one with joy and to experience its countless expressions.
It requires we let go of all false beliefs that we are holding deep inside and feed them to the life-giving transformational flames. Passion wants us to know that our inner fire is boundless and knows no limits. Most importantly, passion requires that we let go of the need to control exactly what a passion-filled life is supposed to look like.
Looking back now, I can see how I had attempted to control and shape my passion. I tried to pack all my fiery badass-ness into a way-too-restrictive container, when in fact my passion longed to spill over and reveal itself to me. It’s no wonder I couldn’t breathe.
Learning to follow my passion wherever it may lead, and to trust it will not leave me burned, has not been easy. It has taken me a while to see that passion did not abandon me. No, I did that in choosing not to trust myself. I abandoned me when I chose to ignore the voice of my deep inner truth.
You see, truth has always been my passion. Connecting with my personal truth has always been what’s driven me. Now I see that my biggest burning desire all those years ago was to be truly free and break away from all those voices telling me who, how, and what to be. To burn away all false beliefs where I thought I wasn’t enough.
To spill open and pave away all obstacles with hot liquid molten lava, while melting into the sweet space of simply being… me… wonderful, passionate, fiery, kick-ass me.
Now I willingly allow passion to lead me in this life’s dance. I have learned to trust its embrace as we travel through an ever changing landscape, not fully knowing what waits for us on the other side. We go where the song beckons. Sometimes the music is sizzling red-hot, other times it is a slow-glowing ember.
We joyously dance with the rise and fall of the melody, dancing until we can’t dance anymore. And then we melt, into the healing magic elixir of raw stillness.
Amy Martin is a barefoot dancer, a feeling dreamer, and a truth-loving goddess residing in the St. Louis area. One of her favorite body sensations is bare feet connecting with the healing energy of Momma Earth, whether it is a whole foot sinking into lush green grass, a releve’ amidst sun-kissed waves, or cool water flowing between toes on a magical moonlit night. Amy aspires to live life on her terms by aligning with her personal truth, through honoring and listening to the voice of body sensation, along with allowing the uncensored flow of heartfelt feelings and ecstatic emotion. She finds inspiration in the celebrating of one’s unique soul essence, and invites all to join her in being one with their inner dancer, feeling soul, and true warrior goddess. You can connect with Amy at her website. Here is to moving through life ‘your way’. Enjoy the dance!