I Finally Chose Me.
My hands were sweating and my heart was frantically racing as I waited for my therapist’s call.
My soul had endured a tremendous struggle over the past few days, and I couldn’t do this on my own. It honestly felt like life or death, the old me versus a new me. I needed support, I needed help, I needed reassurance. This was the first time in my entire life I had made this decision, and my mind simply couldn’t process it alone.
After days of going back and forth about what I wanted for my future, I finally came to a decision… I finally chose me.
Throughout my whole transition, I’ve spoken about how I’ve let go and moved on with life. I honestly believed that until recently. A particular situation occurred that made me realize I hadn’t fully let go of the past.
Now, this doesn’t mean I haven’t made progress (because trust me, I’ve come a long way from where I started), but instead of completely freeing myself, I’d been letting go a little at a time. It was like I was releasing a rope one inch at a time, a little bit here and there. However, at this moment, there was no more rope to hold on to.
At first I was somewhat upset because my mind had tricked me into believing I had moved past it all. What the hell was wrong with me? Had my suffering and pain not proven how much I needed to move on? Then I remembered how stubborn I truly am, and it all made sense.
So, instead of being mad at myself, I decided to look into why I hadn’t just let go of the damn rope already.
Once my therapist called, we started discussing the particular situation I was dealing with and the extreme emotions my soul was trying to process. As we spoke, memories of the last 10 years of my life began to flash in my mind. As I watched, I began to see a pattern — there was always someone else in the picture.
As I began verbally expressing the emotions my memories were bringing up, the brightest light bulb came on in my head. I couldn’t let go because I’d never allowed myself to choose me over someone else.
The tears ran down my face as I began to realize that for 10 years I had constantly put others before myself. Never before had I truly thought about what I need or what I want. In my mind, putting myself first meant being selfish and uncaring, but looking back now, that was such a twisted perspective.
Sometimes we need to put ourselves first, we need to choose us so we can become stronger and healthier for our future partner. This choice has not been a decision based on anger, pride, or revenge. It was solely decided by listening to my heart, and for once actually doing what it needed.
As our conversation continued, I felt the biggest weight lifted off of my chest, a weight that I didn’t even know had been there. I found a completely new sense of strength, confidence, excitement and empowerment. Choosing myself felt damn good.
My inner warrior started peeking back out, and the forest I felt like I’d been walking through for the past few weeks turned into a beautiful clearing. Everything finally made sense. At last I saw the light.
There were still feelings of sadness present after this epiphany, because I knew I had to have a discussion with another who was part of this particular situation. I knew they weren’t going to like my decision. However, the empowerment I felt trumped all feelings of grief and sadness, and it really made the emotions bearable.
Before, I would’ve been completely overwhelmed by these negative feelings, but now my inner self reassured me that everything would be okay. For the first time in my life, I believed me.
I can finally say that I have fully let go of the past. I have completely released all my feelings of hurt, sadness and confusion. I honestly can’t even describe how this single moment of choosing myself felt. It’s something you just have to experience for yourself. However, I can tell you that it’s amazing.
My therapist described it perfectly. I was at a point in my life where I’d reached the edge of a cliff. I knew I would have to eventually jump and trust in myself. I’d been so scared of falling that I hadn’t even considered the alternative.
So I backed up, got a running head start, trusted myself, closed my eyes and jumped… and what would you know, I flew.
If there’s something in your life that’s keeping you from jumping, I pray that you let it go. If there is something holding you down, release it and choose yourself. Life is far too short to be unhappy and constantly putting others’ needs before your own. Listen to your heart, and tune in to your inner being.
Ultimately we have to do what is best for us, even when it’s tough. If you are at the edge of your cliff, don’t be afraid to jump. Fully trust your inner self and you won’t fall… you’ll fly.
Myka Shantell is a blogger, singer, and Pediatric RN from the small town of Petrolia, TX (population: 600), who has always enjoyed helping/inspiring others. By the age of 24, she has already achieved a nursing degree, a fulfilling 8-year run with her band, and started her own blog, Thoughts of an Anxious Mind, which she uses to document her life with anxiety. After college, Myka began working and writing on a daily basis, saving lives by day and sharing motivational compositions by night. Myka’s ultimate goal in life is to find true meaning and happiness while encouraging others along the way. She has fierce perseverance and a unique heart that she plans to share with the world.