poetry

You Find Yourself There, Again. {poetry}

You find yourself there

Again

Lying on the floor

Curled up in your bed

Sobbing on the sofa

Where nothing feels possible

And everything hurts

From your heart

To your bones

To your soul

 

And you find yourself there

Again

In darkness

Not knowing which side is up

Unable to find your feet

Unable to find your peace

And you try to summon

Anything within you

A spark

That will help you turn on the light

 

You find yourself there

Again

Not quite knowing what to do with yourself

Not quite knowing how

How to find your way out

How to feel better

How to find your way home

How to even begin

To put yourself back together again

You find yourself there

Again

Facing a mountain

The climbing of which

Feels harder

Than anything you have climbed before

A mountain

That feels bigger

Bigger than what you are capable of

A climb that will take every single drop of energy you have

Every last bit of determination in your body

 

You find yourself there

Again

Looking up

With doubt in your eyes

And fear in your heart

The summit gazes down

Mockingly

Knowing that despite all your might

You cannot just skip to the top

There is no perfect pill

No magic potion

No time-travel

And it dawns on you

The only thing left to do

Is climb

 

And you find yourself there,

Again,

Faced with a journey

So arduous

So courageous

So brave

That it exhausts you to even think about it

Every drop of energy leaves your body

But you have seen the summit

You know what you have to do

And you forget

You forget so quickly

That you have been here before

That you have conquered mountains

Mountains and mountains and mountains

That you have found your way

Out of the darkness

That you have found that spark

That eventually you were able

Once again

To light the whole world on fire

 

And you find yourself there,

Again,

Remembering

Remembering that it all begins with a single step

Remembering your own pace

Is what will guide you through

That there is no rush

That every single step counts

No matter how small

No matter how labored

No matter how much it is accompanied

By tears

By pain

By grief

Every

Single

Step

Counts

 

The step where you venture outside

You lay your back on the grass

And let the sun beam down on your face

 

The step where you gather food

And lovingly prepare it

You choose to nourish yourself

Despite the voice in your head

Telling you that you don’t deserve it

 

The step where you speak

Where you share

Where you let love in

When you allow yourself to be supported

Because you are so worth

 

The step where you write

Even though what you might discover terrifies you

You lay everything down on that page

You write anyway

 

The step where you run yourself a bath

When washing is the last thing on your mind

But where you spend time with yourself

And honor the body in which you dwell

 

The step where you remember to breathe

In a moment of panic

Or anxiety

Or complete despair

You defy the brick resting on your chest

 

The step where

Despite the exhaustion

That runs through every inch of your body

You wrap yourself up

You step outside

And you walk

You soak up the season

You find peace in nature

 

The step where you buy yourself flowers

Just to experience color in your life again

 

It is the little steps that count

When everything seems impossible

 

And that is where you come home to yourself

Where you feel hope

And where your spark returns

Where you find yourself

Again

 

In those little moments

That take such strength

Such courage

In those little pockets of bliss

The tiniest moments of connection

Those fleeting feelings of joy

 

It is here

That you find yourself

Again

 

And

It is here

That you can always be found.

***

TamsynAnnTamsyn Ann is currently balancing the intense study of a subject she loves, the eternal study of life in general, and the art of taking care of herself. When not in the world of academia, you’ll most likely find her wild heart outdoors, soaking up the seasons and honoring Mother Earth, or feeding her soul with some activity, good food, great company or a decent book. You could contact Tamsyn via Twitter.

***

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