You Find Yourself There, Again. {poetry}
You find yourself there
Again
Lying on the floor
Curled up in your bed
Sobbing on the sofa
Where nothing feels possible
And everything hurts
From your heart
To your bones
To your soul
And you find yourself there
Again
In darkness
Not knowing which side is up
Unable to find your feet
Unable to find your peace
And you try to summon
Anything within you
A spark
That will help you turn on the light
You find yourself there
Again
Not quite knowing what to do with yourself
Not quite knowing how
How to find your way out
How to feel better
How to find your way home
How to even begin
To put yourself back together again
You find yourself there
Again
Facing a mountain
The climbing of which
Feels harder
Than anything you have climbed before
A mountain
That feels bigger
Bigger than what you are capable of
A climb that will take every single drop of energy you have
Every last bit of determination in your body
You find yourself there
Again
Looking up
With doubt in your eyes
And fear in your heart
The summit gazes down
Mockingly
Knowing that despite all your might
You cannot just skip to the top
There is no perfect pill
No magic potion
No time-travel
And it dawns on you
The only thing left to do
Is climb
And you find yourself there,
Again,
Faced with a journey
So arduous
So courageous
So brave
That it exhausts you to even think about it
Every drop of energy leaves your body
But you have seen the summit
You know what you have to do
And you forget
You forget so quickly
That you have been here before
That you have conquered mountains
Mountains and mountains and mountains
That you have found your way
Out of the darkness
That you have found that spark
That eventually you were able
Once again
To light the whole world on fire
And you find yourself there,
Again,
Remembering
Remembering that it all begins with a single step
Remembering your own pace
Is what will guide you through
That there is no rush
That every single step counts
No matter how small
No matter how labored
No matter how much it is accompanied
By tears
By pain
By grief
Every
Single
Step
Counts
The step where you venture outside
You lay your back on the grass
And let the sun beam down on your face
The step where you gather food
And lovingly prepare it
You choose to nourish yourself
Despite the voice in your head
Telling you that you don’t deserve it
The step where you speak
Where you share
Where you let love in
When you allow yourself to be supported
Because you are so worth
The step where you write
Even though what you might discover terrifies you
You lay everything down on that page
You write anyway
The step where you run yourself a bath
When washing is the last thing on your mind
But where you spend time with yourself
And honor the body in which you dwell
The step where you remember to breathe
In a moment of panic
Or anxiety
Or complete despair
You defy the brick resting on your chest
The step where
Despite the exhaustion
That runs through every inch of your body
You wrap yourself up
You step outside
And you walk
You soak up the season
You find peace in nature
The step where you buy yourself flowers
Just to experience color in your life again
It is the little steps that count
When everything seems impossible
And that is where you come home to yourself
Where you feel hope
And where your spark returns
Where you find yourself
Again
In those little moments
That take such strength
Such courage
In those little pockets of bliss
The tiniest moments of connection
Those fleeting feelings of joy
It is here
That you find yourself
Again
And
It is here
That you can always be found.
***
Tamsyn Ann is currently balancing the intense study of a subject she loves, the eternal study of life in general, and the art of taking care of herself. When not in the world of academia, you’ll most likely find her wild heart outdoors, soaking up the seasons and honoring Mother Earth, or feeding her soul with some activity, good food, great company or a decent book. You could contact Tamsyn via Twitter.
***
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