I Am Letting Go.
I’m letting go. Letting go, and trusting I will be okay, despite it all. No more holding, clinging to what I thought I was and who I’ve been. Letting go and trusting.
It is the hardest damn thing I’ve ever done. But it is time. I am sick of being in this prison I’ve created for myself. Sick of the boundaries I’ve made on what I can and cannot be. I am bigger than I ever imagined. I can love deeper and fuller than I thought was possible.
I can form relationships with people and things and ideas that I never knew were there. It can all happen. All of it will happen, if I just let go and let my natural unfolding and unwinding take over. If I just let go of anything that doesn’t stick, it will eventually fall away and I will realize it was never me in the first place.
I was never small and dumb and meek and powerless. I was always powerful and wise, luminous and giving. This was always me. I just didn’t know it.
My family, the life I’ve created for myself and the place I’ve been thus far — expects I will continue playing the role. I will continue being small and perform my duties. They don’t know a revolution is occurring. It is happening right in my very bones and cells and skin. It is happening right in front of their eyes, but they can’t see it.
They can’t see past what they believe me to be, what they decided I was all those years ago. They don’t see what’s happening in the present moment. I’m not who I used to be, and there is more change on the way. Oh, boy! Will they be surprised when they finally wake up (if they ever do)!
I am shapeshifting. My clothes, my house, my life, my body don’t fit me anymore. I am crawling out of my skin. I am uncomfortable and writhing around on the ground because I can’t take it anymore. It is all too small, too restricted to fit the width and breadth and depth of my soul.
I cannot conform to any more rules of 9 to 5, five days a week, be here now (or you die) schedule. I have to let my heart roam and be free. I have to let my imagination be. Let it out of its cage and roll around in the dirt, ride the waves of the blue ocean, and fly among the angels in heaven above.
It is wild and sweet, and needs to bask in its own nature. No more configuring and bending and breaking and leaning too far to one side just to fit in the boxes they told me I have to be in. I’m done with that. No more. I can’t survive there. I can’t thrive there.
I was made for this. I was forged by years of neglect and abuse and pain and loss. I hated myself so much that I could not take it anymore. I realized that in order to change anything, I needed to change everything. And, it starts at the beginning, at my core — at what made me.
I must have known at some point. I must have known before I was born that I am light. I am love and beauty, truth, and wisdom. I must have known. But I forgot.
I forgot sometime when I was forming this human body shape in my mother’s womb. My mother who had so much anxiety and fear and insecurity of who she is and where she fit in — she had no choice but to pass it all on to me. And I, having forgotten, and being confused, took it all in and accepted it as my own.
What else could I do? She had birthed me. She must know what I am, I innocently assumed.
Now, after spending 40 years on this planet we call home, I have realized I was wrong. I was wrong to believe she knew what I was, or now to hope she ever will. How can anyone see another clearly when she can’t even see herself? I have finally learned what it feels like to come truly home to myself, within my own body and relax.
I know how much relief can be found here, within the confines of my own skin and bones, and awareness. Letting go of all the expectations I’ve always thought I need to follow, and all the obligations, responsibilities to finally let my inner child wander free and uninhibited.
I am learning to mother her and myself. Give myself the love and the acceptance and encouragement I really need.
I am reinventing who I have been and who I thought I could be. I don’t know where the process will lead, but I am sure it is the right one for me.
I’m letting go of all I was, and embracing who I am now and who I am becoming. I am trusting myself for the first time in my life. I am trusting my intuition will guide me to exactly where I need to be. And it all feels absolutely right.
Ruchi Jain is a pharmacist, counselor, and Yoga teacher. She is interested in poetry, music, and art. She enjoys learning and living life. She is committed to her own self-healing process and finding her unique dharma. You can find her on Facebook.