Allowing Myself The Space To Grieve.
What happens to our grief when we ignore it? When we tell ourselves that we don’t need to go through it, or we pretend like it isn’t happening?
I’ll tell you what happens to it; it hides, deep down in the marrow of the bones, deep down in the ventricles of the heart, it hides in our food, the way we nourish ourselves or rather stop nourishing ourselves, it hides in our laughter and in our tears, it hides in the way we walk with a subtly hunched posture, the way we talk about ourselves, the way we don’t really look ourselves in the eyes in the mirror.
But we aren’t grieving, right? We don’t need to grieve, right? We let it go a long time ago.
I’m here to shatter that reality. I made the mistake of pretending I didn’t need to grieve, I did womb clearings, I did self-care practices, I prayed. I made myself busy.
But now today, I am still not healed, because I didn’t grieve, I didn’t allow myself the proper space to do so. I allowed myself to believe all the mental garbage that ensued, all the things I was told by people who did not love me, or know me.
There are many reasons to grieve, not all of them having to do with death. Sometimes the loss of something can cause us grief.
For me, I had lost my self-respect, I had lost my sensuality, I had lost my confidence, I had lost my way, I had lost my sense of security, I had lost my sense of self. I had lost my ability to choose healthy scenarios.
I had jeopardized my family and friends at the cost of my own false sense of well-being, I had been blind, and I was perfectly willing to spiral into a place of nothingness.
Grieving is powerful, it is not weak. It is not wrong to feel sadness, it is an opportunity to tap into the dark parts of ourselves that are covered in cobwebs from lack of care and attention, those places are incredibly rich with wisdom.
Grieving does not make a person a victim, it’s when we don’t let go that we become victims of our own insecurities and our fears.
Our darkness is our power, but instead of facing into our darkness we constantly run from it, even though our darkness is full of love.
Let it out, address it, talk to your grief, what does it tell you? What does it wish for you? Your grief wants you to heal, it wants to walk away with its head held high, it wants to walk away with love.
Why are you still holding on to your grief? Are you afraid to become the person you could be without it?
Grief demands that we be honest with ourselves, which can be scary, but it can also help us wake up and stop us from sleeping our lives away, letting the happiness that wants to come out to lie dormant under the grief.
We need to stop apologizing for everything, and really allow ourselves to come out of our protective shells.
I have been holding on to a lot of grief that I convinced myself that I had let go of. I have been in mentally, physically and emotionally abusive relationships. I have been bullied as a child.
I became a mother and lost all sense of self and lost friends. I allowed others to tell me who I am. We have to let that stuff go, it has to be shared so that it can be released with love.
I have to constantly remind myself that my body belongs to me, that I am safe, that I am beautiful, that I am a lioness.
I remind myself that I don’t need to let anyone hurt me like that again. I can take my sense or self back and explore the things that nourish me. I can eat healthy and allow myself to feel good because I deserve it.
I can allow others into my life safely, and allow love in, because I am worthy.
The longer we avoid our grief, the closer it gets to sabotaging us. It surfaces in unhealthy ways, and it wreaks havoc on our lives and unintentionally hurts other people in our lives.
We have to sit down and talk to our grief. We have to let other’s help us if we need help to heal. We don’t necessarily have to do it all alone at the end of the day, contrary to what we have always been told. Dealing with our grief is safe.
We don’t need to hold on to our grief any longer, we can heal ourselves. We can become whole, we just have to want it… we have to believe that we are worthy.
Hannah Heslop is a mother, a certified energy and Reiki healer, a student of the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, an active seeker of magic and wisdom, and a writer of the Divine Feminine. She is a lover of crystals, deep dark poetry, and coffee.