Never Let Someone Tell You That You Are Too Much Or Not Enough.
How often do we feel just really damn fabulous about ourselves?
At a certain point, we all come to a conclusion that it doesn’t matter what other people say or think. What matters is how we feel about ourselves. And yes, it’s the best practice there is, though we want to function in the society and the society (friends, lovers, family, strangers) is not always nice to us.
I have to admit, oftentimes I feel uncomfortable in my skin and my own thoughts. And oftentimes I feel it in overall similar situations and with people who have a similar energy. Those similar people in different disguises give me all the same feelings. I divide those situations or kinds of people in two categories:
1. “You are too much.”
I can’t count the number of times I heard somebody (oftentimes men) telling me things like You feel too much, You think too much, You analyze too much, You care too much, and so on. Then it goes further… my lipstick is too red, my heels too high, my jeans too extravagant, and so on.
Now you may ask why I give an F about what other people tell me. Well, either unconsciously or consciously, I do give an F because I believe them, that I’m too much indeed.
That is why, at a certain point, I stopped wearing high heels, which I actually really love. I will never give up my amazing red lipstick though. Even now, I sometimes feel uncomfortable with my red lips at 8 am in the tram to work.
I was afraid to express my own feelings and make myself vulnerable, because I was ashamed of feeling too much. People closest to me kept saying that I feel and think too much. I was afraid of caring for somebody, because it could be also too much. I was afraid of saying kind words to somebody, because it might be too much.
Such crap, isn’t it? How can one feel too much? It’s what I feel.
I believe, oftentimes people just talk their own fears out of their souls, because they are afraid to express themselves in a way they would like to. If somebody says that my red lips are too red, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are afraid to wear red lipstick, but it could imply a hidden desire they’re afraid to express.
If we are fulfilled with the extent of our own expression, we will never judge other people for being too much.
I learned to accept my feelings and my thoughts in the too-much-ness just as they are, and now I just run from people who keep on saying that I am too much. I just say a clear No to them, even if it hurts at times. I know, those people will always put me down and never accept me.
So, I don’t fight for their attention, and just let them swim in their judgments (which are only directed towards themselves anyway).
My appeal to the world: Never let somebody tell you (or make you believe) that you are too much. The people who dare to question you are those who struggle with themselves. Always keep in mind how perfect and powerful you are. The others are too focused on putting us down in order to feel better about themselves.
2. “You are not enough.”
This is the classy one, which could be in the form of You should be more…, You should speak more, You should do more, and so on. I believe that everybody has felt utterly insecure about their own personality or physical conditions at least once, because somebody made them feel this way or pointed out a weakness.
I had a big last fight with my ex from long ago before we finally broke up, and he told me that I should lose weight.
So, I spent the next two years after the breakup struggling with the acceptance of my own body. I literally hated my body. In the mirror, I saw a bare-faced, obese ugliness. It was hard work to feel good about myself and feel sexy again. People point out our weaknesses in order to makes us feel insufficient.
To not give an F about what someone I had feelings for would tell me, was not so easy. Now I know better, and won’t let somebody’s anger and pain let too close to my heart and won’t take it too personally. But back then, it was a disaster for me. I woke up, month after month, hating my appearance.
A wonderful friend of mine brought another amazing example about not-enough-ness in the self-development scene. The self-development scene is growing rapidly, and for many people, that means good business and money. And unfortunately, not everybody’s help is coming from a place of love.
So, sometimes I would watch a video, talk to some guru, or read a blog post of some self-development star, and just end up being totally frustrated and confused.
The message they spread is, we have to work hard on ourselves because we are totally un-spiritual, underdeveloped little people, who need to go though a 3500-euro-18-months program to become as enlightened as those stars are.
In order to earn money, they make us feel insufficient. Almost all consumer industries (cosmetics, fast food, fashion, car, luxury, tobacco, etc.) are based on manipulative advertising.
I met many men who consciously wanted to belittle me. They made me feel insufficient. It’s the same strategy: saying a clear No to such people. Even if it hurts. And it mostly hurts, because we are used to this suffering and we swim in our drama of being not enough.
It’s so easy to surrender the responsibility for our failures, suffering and pain to the feelings of our own insufficiency, isn’t it?
My appeal to the world: Never let somebody tell you (or make you believe) that you are not enough. The people who dare to question you are those who struggle with themselves. Always keep in mind how perfect and powerful you are. The others are too focused on putting us down in order to feel better about themselves.
If somebody criticized us all the time, stepping back — without trying to prove them wrong — and letting them live their negative self-reflection, is always a good choice.
And if we are the ones who are criticizing everybody around us, then it’s about time we check on how we’re doing in our lives. Are we frustrated? Overwhelmed? Stressed out?
We have so much power to change the universe around us by accepting the is-ness of ourselves and the others. A kind word has a healing power, as opposed to the destructive power of a word which could hurt somebody’s feelings.
We are perfect the way we are, and we are exactly where we have to be right now. There is no single person in this world who has the permission to tell us that we are either not enough or too much. All we tell each other is just kind of a monologue with ourselves.
How do you want your monologue to be?
Olga Chirkova was born in St. Petersburg and moved to Germany when she was nine. She believes there is no journey which is more difficult than the journey to your own true nature. It can be hard, painful, confusing, but it’s worth it. It is the most beautiful and honest journey there is. Come with her on the journey on her blog.