Forget The Prejudice, It’s All About The Pride.
I have only a single regret in my life.
I have done many crazy things, experienced so much in my 34 years, and out of it all, there is only one thing I wish I had done differently. Granted, that single thing leads to other things that made my decision even worse; the domino effect is a real thing.
The single regret didn’t have to continue to haunt me, but I have allowed my ego and pride to be my ruling mind afterwards, for more than a decade now.
I committed the ultimate betrayal, because it was against a fellow woman, a sister (as all women are sisters).
It doesn’t matter that she was not a friend of mine at the time the betrayal occurred. It doesn’t matter that I was told certain untruths that led me to make a bad decision. It was still my choice. I could have taken the same stand I had always taken when a guy in a relationship pursued me: not until you are single! Boom! Done.
Why did I not stand up for my morals this time? Why did I make the choice that would haunt me for more than a decade? What lesson is there to be learned from this?
Ego. My ego. That dear, sweet, domineering ego. She and I don’t always agree, and sometimes (often) I find myself allowing my Ego to rule me. I have no idea why.
It never satisfies me or makes me truly, deeply happy. I have had the desire to fess up my fault to the woman I betrayed from the moment I ended all romantic contact with her boyfriend 12 years ago.
I have had a running dialogue in my head of all the reasons not to do this at different moments over the years:
“She won’t let you tell your side anyway.”
“She will only hate you, and not blame him at all.”
“It’s just plain cruel to say anything; they are married now and have two kids!”
“What is the point of bringing up the past? What’s done is done.”
On and on and on the excuses went. All of these excuses helped no one except myself. My ego and pride were helping me maintain that safe zone I was enjoying so much. My true Self wanted to release this so I could finally forgive myself. I had closed the door on my moral compass and sneaked out of the window.
It was terrifying to admit this out loud. It doesn’t matter if she would hate me forever, slander me for the rest of my life for one wrong I committed, remind everyone around her what a horrible individual I am. Those ideas don’t hurt nearly as much as what I did to myself by making the decision I did all those years ago.
It has taken until very recently to realize that all my excuses were coming from pride. It still irked me to realize I couldn’t explain myself. An apology should not be followed up with excuses though.
There is a story behind every apology, but if the story will negate the truth of the apology because it comes across as excuses, then should it really be given?
My pride has stepped aside, and I can finally see the answer clearly. No, I can apologize without justifying myself, or the choices I made at that time. Not only can I, but I must.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about sending this apology to a woman who did not deserve to have a fellow woman betray her in this way. I would even rather do it in person than type it out.
This way I’d at least know that she would hear me and see that I meant every word of my apology, even if it took another decade for her to believe I was sincere. At least this way I would know for a fact that she received my apology.
What if I send her the message (using Facebook, as it’s my only means of contact with her) and she never even sees it? Then so be it. It’s time for me to suck it up and jump in feet first.
When and if she ever gets it, it will be the right time. I have faith in the Universe. I must do this.
And so it has been done. Now I must work on forgiving myself.
This is a deep and never-ending lesson in life. Pride is a powerful thing, but overcoming that pride is even more powerful. Seeing outside myself, the impact I can make when I am true to my Self and to others, this is what life is about.
Step aside Ego; my Self has arrived!
Paula B. Martin is a wild woman who is in love with life. She is deep in the early-learning phase of her spiritual journey, enjoying every second of it! She loves all things outdoors, especially mountains and trees… because she presently lives in the high desert of Wyoming. Paula has loved reading and writing since she was very young. She lost touch with her writer-Self for 15 years, but has recently become reacquainted with her creative Self and is diving in headfirst.