Today I Marveled At The Beauty Of My Pain.
It was an interesting experience, to say the least. There I sat, on my couch, gripped by despair as tears fell, and I gasped for air.
I could not believe this was happening again, that I was having this same experience. I was desperate and willing to learn this lesson once and for all, but I felt paralyzed by insurmountable guilt and shame. It was in that moment of bewilderment that something shifted.
I leaned in to my despair, as I lay curled up on the floor, clenching my fists. I took a deep surrendering breath, and was immediately transported directly to the source of my pain.
With a rush of adrenaline, I feverishly recalled all of the repetitive patterns that kept me stuck in this karmic loop. I rumbled with fear that ultimately influenced my fight or flight tendencies. I admitted to behavior that was no different from theirs. I wrestled with doubts and misgivings to reach forgiveness, in an attempt to ensure my salvation.
That’s when sharp pangs of disappointment began to creep in — I had been self-sabotaging my entire life. I went deeper, highlighting insecurities that left me stumped, praying for divine intervention to tell me what to do — to show me the way out of my own way.
You can imagine my surprise in between suspenseful breaths, when my heart said without skipping a beat: “Only you can heal yourself.”
These words made me shudder as I sat up at attention. I quickly realized how I had always relied on others to save me from what scared me.
If I could heal you, help you, or love you in any way, then I myself would be healed, helped, and loved. This was the pattern that played out time and time again, and I finally got the message that it simply did not work this way. I had it backwards; I needed to heal myself first.
Only I could rub a soothing balm on to my wounds. Only I could console and nurture me. The warmth and gentleness required was comforting. My pain was delicate. Only delicate care would do.
I became engrossed in this unfolding that soon took my breath away. I likened myself to a little girl, forever in need of my safety and protection. Like most fears, hers stemmed from childhood, and she was often reminded of past hurts that crippled her ability to function in the present.
But her desire to live and to love persisted, even as she grappled with life’s twists and turns. She was as fierce as she was resilient. I knew her well because we were the same. I looked more intently at her complexity, and caught a glimpse of the rare gem that was my Soul.
I could see clearly now my perfect imperfections. I felt liberated as I wept tears of acceptance. It was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen — the beauty of my pain, and me.