Feeling My Emotions Was an Art I Had to Learn How to Embrace.
I had always been seen as this sweet girl, the good girl. I felt small, I felt little, I felt trapped in a woman’s body at age 21.
I felt like I would get told off for being me, for speaking up, for being sexy, for being loud, for getting angry or just embracing how much I really did enjoy life. “Why do I feel so restricted? How did this happen? It hurts; let me be free.”
I started to see what was actually happening. I was scared of my emotions. I saw them as pesky pests that were stopping me from being happy. I saw anger as this scary part of me that was too awful to come out.
The truth is, they were trying to tell me secrets, gems of wisdom, that I wasn’t being treated right, I was letting people cross my boundaries, I was sad and hurt, and I needed to stand up for myself. They were feeding me information to help my growth. Being highly sensitive, I felt them intensely, so I didn’t know how to handle them.
Part of my journey was coming back to those emotions I had squashed down, and feeling them completely, feeling all of them. This was not a quick process, but it was worth it.
Not feeling my emotions led me to not being being aware of my body, not being able to relate to my womanly body. This was damaging on my health and growth. I liked my body parts, but somehow I felt immature and unhealed from the stages of my adolescence.
I always had a mature-looking face, and I felt wise, yet old conditioning, beliefs and toxic fears kept me paralyzed.
I saw others as above me instead of my equal, which made me feel small and incomplete, until I felt an inner voice telling me one day, “This isn’t the way you — or anyone else, for that matter — are meant to live. You’ve got to stand tall and make friends with those demons. You are worthy, Greer, you are worthy.”
It was time to relearn my body and psyche, peel some layers off my disillusioned self, heal and love the 17-year-old girl in me, and then heal the little girl in her.
I had to see the illusion and break free from the masks that I had put on and identified with. See the lies I was telling myself about emotions, then take the cloak off and be my true self, trust the hell out of life, let it support in my unraveling.
I learnt the art of swearing, F*** you, F*** this, F*** that. This was a big deal for me, this helped me with dealing with repressed anger. Swearing never came easy. I still hesitate at times, but the good girl part of me had a challenge to partake in and had to let her lioness roar in the most elegant way possible.
It took me a few years, to really start fully trusting myself. Techniques I explored included lots of deep crying and screaming into my pillow, deep meditations and forgiveness work. I slowly opened up. I slowly surrounded myself with more healing modalities that showed me the importance of being a woman.
I surrounded myself with healers who showed me that speaking up and empowering myself is not wrong. Truthfully, trusting the spiritual side of life was hard, but once I tapped into my highest self, the right experiences and people came along for me. I no longer felt small. The empowered woman was stepping forth.
At 25, I feel I am growing fully into my own mold of a woman. I am trusting my maturity. I am slowly trusting my sexuality, and I am not afraid of my mature features anymore. I am not looking for approval and love from anyone outside of me.
I am listening to my emotions and expressing them in healthy ways, and using the word F*** in creative expressions when needed. I am grateful.
This is an ongoing journey. Even now, after healing a lot of my illness, I am still learning.
My biggest takeaway from my ongoing experience with emotions is:
When you give yourself permission to use your gifts, and to stand in your own power and feel your emotions, you give everyone else permission to use their gifts and stand in their power and feel all their emotions, and to me, that’s what the world needs: more people expressing everything, their gifts, their emotions, their words, their soul, their highest self, and especially, the true gifts they have been given in their own individual way. Keep exploring your beautiful self.
You are not broken
you are whole, you are complete
it’s your perceptions that might be
the patterns that might be
your way of thinking that might be
but not you,
you came here to find your true north,
your true star,
to shake things up
to rattle things,
to change things,
to take back,
most importantly, to love
and be loved,
to learn love in a new way,
to experience love.
To forgive yourself, and use your gifts in a way that can help others.
To trust your words, to trust yourself, to trust that light in you!
You got this, oh baby, you got this completely.
Whilst traveling around the world as an international flight attendant, Greer Alexandra was faced with a big health challenge along with her inner demons facing her head-on. A blessing in disguise, this took Greer on a healing journey of her feminine. She is now pursuing a life following her soul and exploring the woman she is becoming, whilst spreading awareness on emotional healing and well-being. You can connect with her on Facebook or Instagram while she is creating her blog, MeMySoul&I.