I Have Murder-Fatigue: Pondering the Bullet Points.
What the serious fuck is this nightmare I awoke to?
I have murder-fatigue: a hangover of emotions weighing down and threatening to crush my tender heart. I could retreat into myself and my own, disavowing any connection with life on Earth. However, reality does not allow me to hide away so easily. Reality is raw and real, and two sensations in particular — sadness and anger — continue to reverberate into my consciousness via the cacophony of events. Through the din, I can’t fully distinguish which wail is the shrillest.
Yet, I do know that an inner calling has inspired me to try and find out.
So far, here’s the tally:
- Sadness that, in two consecutive days, two innocent men were straight up murdered by those we entrusted with our safety and, basically, lives. Shot dead by people who likely shouldn’t have even been awarded a badge in the first place. Heartbroken that families — children, no less — were witnesses to these murders, and will never, ever, be able to erase those images from their souls — forgiveness given, or not.
- Anger that, in retaliation, a vigilante took it upon himself to play judge, jury and executioner on a group that, based on their geography and actions, didn’t have anything immediate to do with the previously stated murders. They were, in fact, a calming, protective force, doing their job with integrity just moments before being methodically executed. Tit for tat, eye for an eye, and all that bullshit.
- Sadness, in seeing the leader of the United States of America, our country, wearily standing up, once again, to report on the atrocities that citizens have committed on fellow citizens, his sorrow and frustration emanating like a dirge from his lips.
- Anger — no, rage — that a former congressman has the audacity to willfully ignore the laws of this land and openly spew treasonous messages to the masses by calling for war, no less, against the President of our country, as well as against citizens whose reality doesn’t fit lock-stepped into his own bitter narrow-mindedness. And… disgust, that there likely will be no repercussions to these and similar actions.
- Profound sadness, that too many of my dearest friends are in a constant state of fear and anguish about their children’s lives and futures — all because of the color of their skin!
- Anger, that I too fear for them, with every beat of my heart, and that in 2016, racism is still even a fucking issue we have to confront — or neglect, as has been the case!
- Sadness, that everyone (myself included, at times) cannot seem to tear loose from the role of apologists in the tangled web of self- or group justifications for thoughtless actions or inactions. Embarrassed that privilege is now such a fully charged word, yet it is common practice to over-generalize and pass responsibility onto the government or that group over there, and not realize that we are the government, and that group too!
- Anger, that too many are now emboldened by the deluded mentality of “Just sayin’ it like it is…”, without an iota of human decency, civility, or even truth: all swaddled in privilege (yes, I said privilege) and clinging to an Us and Them attitude — Us being righteous, Them being evil, or worse: different. For those who rely on pseudo-victimhood, solely for the purpose of not exerting any effort into making their own (nor anyone else’s) lives better and more purposeful. These conceits are second only to the disregard of our planet itself, in destructive power.
- Sadness, that regular, ordinary people, leading regular, ordinary lives in Newtown, Orlando, Libya, Turkey and Iraq were annihilated while simply learning, dancing, living, shopping, traveling, just be-ing (and for some, during their holiest of days)! And more sadness, that this particular list is missing far too many additional massacres, and could go on seemingly ad infinitum!
- Anger, that the US of NRA has been completely silent regarding a licensed gun owner’s rights being more than violated when he was shot point-blank while attempting to show his legal possession papers. Perhaps it takes a lot longer to write up a justification to cover up racism, than it does to blatantly lie and say that the government (remember, that’s us!) wants to take away everyone’s guns? No. No, they really don’t. Additionally, regarding allowing those assault rifles to be in the hands of regular Americans… isn’t that what killed the Dallas Police officers?
Oh, my heart!
Sadly, I can continue with this topic, but for what purpose? Will one emotion eventually outdo the other? Hell, while I’m at it, I could shift topics and list the sadness and anger I feel for myself and for too many of my friends and countless other women around the world who have been abused, violated, taunted and traumatized, simply for being born female.
But I won’t. I can’t.
The effort of bringing to light the sadness and anger within me has drained me of energy. All I’m left with at the moment is an ethereal emptiness of utter helplessness.
What, then, inspired me to exhaust myself with this exercise?
I have to believe it was hope that sang quietly to me today. I have to believe that once a person can exhaust feelings of helplessness and alienation, when one is able to shake off the false pressures of humanness, then our innate spark can be kindled, (re)lighting the spirit of love and connectedness.
So, perhaps, after a rest, hope will once again lighten up my soul.
Peace to all!
Diane Ambrosini is a lifelong Californian, currently thriving in and around the mountains and beaches of San Diego, who can confirm that, yes, there really is a California way of life! A Yoga instructor for almost 20 years, she believes Yoga is the original medicine, the human heart is a miracle, and that love is the answer… and also sometimes the question. She is currently stumbling along the winding path of life as a peaceful warrior. And even having recently published the second edition of Instructing Hatha Yoga, she is finally allowing the voice of her deepest truths to sprout wings and fly free! She is learning to accept all of life’s serendipitous moments as gifts, and hopes to be able to repay and re-gift these magical moments with her fellow journeyers. You can connect with Diane by checking out Facebook or Instagram.