You Might not Think of Me, but I Dream of You.
It has been a year and a half, almost to the day, since I left you. I walked out of our life together a broken soul. I had no idea what was happening, or what would happen, only that I needed to leave. We had 10 years together by age 29.
You were brilliant, caring, smart, handsome… I could not say a bad word against you. And that’s what was so confusing. I walked out of a perfectly perfect relationship.
18 months later, having forged a new life for myself, I sit in pain once again. Yes, this new life is formed on a solid foundation — a deep knowing of what I did was right. It always felt right, but some days, putting the pieces on top has required strength I didn’t know I had. The pieces are made up of sadness, uncertainty and confusion as to what the hell I’m doing with my life day to day… and how am I ever going to do it without you.
So I write this to you because I have dreamt of you. Every night consecutively this past week. I wake up and I have a clear memory of us traveling through space and time together. In the other realm of our lives.
I saw an Instagram post recently that said something to the effect of What if, when we go to sleep, we are just falling asleep from this reality, and waking up in the one we live in normally? So, am I asleep here without you?
Why can you not be present in both? I still do not understand it. Supposedly we made an agreement in ages past to go through this together and ultimately without one another.
I understand I needed to leave because I was not who I needed to be for this life. I had to stand on my own two feet, and rely on myself for once. I came here for a challenge, and I needed to just feel… dread, excitement, exhilarating happiness, loneliness. Sometimes all experienced in one short day. You helped me and even prepared me up for it. I can only be eternally grateful for that.
I needed to heal relationships with many aspects of who I was before I met you. And I did just that. I healed. But not before those wounds were ripped open and I was made to face them in all their ugliness. The days and nights I had no one to cling to but myself, rocking back and forth. The overwhelming grief would come down heavy, and contort my body, dropping to the floor I lay on with my head in my hands, my mouth wide open and pleading.
My tears would flow as I drew deep breaths. Each exhalation felt like it went deeper and deeper, reaching for the source of this tightly knotted suffering buried inside me while I battled to expel it. I remember the heat of that searing hot pain… and I would be exhausted when it lifted. I would sleep, and more healing would begin.
Yes, I needed to go through all that. And now here I am, writing this through tears again. I miss you. I miss what we had. And I am frightened that you are gone. Who you were, who I knew does not exist anymore. You have had life-altering experiences without me these past 18 months, and I know that together we have no new stories waiting to be told. I also know that we are not destined to meet on this plane again.
So you come to me in my dreams, where we will eternally belong to one another. I cry because I am still grieving the loss of you. You exist, but now as someone else.
For me, the narrative surrounding the division of our union is unlike the mainstream bullshit that exists out there. I am not bitter, I am not sorry, I am not regretful. I do not want to divulge details of our sacred history. I do not wish it went differently. It all happened the way it was supposed to happen. You are not my ex, you are the person you always were to me. The person I loved, revered even, and shared 10 years of this earth life with.
My memories are encased in that part of my heart which will always be yours. The gateway that leads me each night to be with you.
So I will have to accept the time we get to spend together in our other life as all there will be. I would not change any of my actions, and I have no regrets. I only know I love you.
Oonagh Kelly is a lost and wandering soul seeking out her tribe. She has battled her existence on this planet most of her life, until one day she felt strong enough to face it. She loves other souls, longs to connect and fuel others with her own passion for love and laughter. Writing has been her savior, her own and others, as she finds comfort in knowing we are all here for a higher purpose. She longs for the day Mother Nature is revered in all her glory again. All she really wants to do is walk barefoot on grass, read the stars each night, and follow the cycle of the moon to aid her on her journey.