The Struggle of Your Becoming: Why It’s Necessary & What Will Save Your Ass.
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What if the phases of intense struggle actually deeply served you? What if it wasn’t unreasonable to endure your becoming?
There is no easy or reasonable way to it. Soul barely obeys reason. You might have noticed.
Coaches, mentors, family and friends often try to convince you otherwise.
They tell you about their experiences, what they’ve been through: Learn from my example, they say. We don’t want you to go through the same, they say.
Fuck that!
You are you, not them. You are your own example. And it has to be this way.
There is no standardized spiritual-evolution package available, and if somebody tries to sell you one, run.
If you buy into the stuff they are telling and selling, you’ll definitely be busy for some time, but it won’t feed you sustainably. Some approaches will resonate, and you’ll stretch your soul and comfort zone with them.
Ultimately you’ll get to a point where nothing that doesn’t come from deep within yourself will get you any further.
The scary moment when you’ve got to leap and rely on your own capability and power… and on the Universe catching you.
Of course it would be great to not have to go through all the pain and strain and frustration, and sometimes, utter hopelessness and depression.
Thinking if there will ever be an end to this madness.
It feels excruciating, like you’re the only one who somehow still doesn’t get it.
You’ve been in that place before, this adds to the paltriness of the situation. Making the same mistake over and over again. Must be a lesson, yeah, you noticed it. But how on earth do you get it right?
A feeling like being a fool, or being fooled and played by the Universe.
How can one be so stubborn? So stuck?
You know you just hurt yourself — and others — with your resistance, avoidance and fear.
It would be awesome to finally get it. To simply take the ready-made recipe of some coach or of your aunt who happens to be a psychologist, or a friend whose spiritual evolution you envy deeply and whose offer to support you through your valley of tears just adds to your sense of being a total failure.
But you also know — deep inside — that the comfort of any cookie-cutter solution is but another way to defend your comfort zone. To have things the easy way.
Your pain doesn’t have to lead into suffering though.
You can use it as alchemical fuel for transformation.
There’s no shortcut. And no excuses.
Discomfort often has deeply transformative effects. They can be subtle, and they can be ego-shattering breakthroughs as well.
The gold is in the struggle. That’s what all those generous and well-meaning advisors forget to mention.
How did they get to the next level… to having a thriving business, great sex or a healed relationship with their parents? How were they able to get out of debt, or make peace with their imperfect bodies?
They’ve been a fucking mess! They’ve been struggling, just like you. Truth is, there’s always some struggle. Sometimes about small things, other times major issues. You’re never done evolving. You never get to a place where you can build a big-ass comfort zone in which you then live happily ever after.
If that’s what you are working towards and what keeps hope alive for you, sorry to destroy that illusion. Because that’s what it is: an illusion.
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I think what we ultimately crave is realness.
That deep truth in your bones, in your soul’s DNA. To get there, you’ve got to shed some serious limiting conditioning and liberate your soul from suffocating fears and humiliatingly dark and sticky shame.
Only you can do this. No teacher, guru or coach can do it for you. At most, they can support you when you’re ready and committed, and when you’re literally begging for it.
As long as you halfheartedly dabble in some self-help stuff and wishful thinking, each cent you spend on growth, counselling, whatever you fancy, will be wasted.
It is hard and terrifying to truly set out on a journey of a dedicated spirit and an unleashed authentic soul. But soul navigates, you’re not even asked if you want to set out, if you’re up for the challenge. The more you resist though, the more you suffer. And you don’t want that, or do you?
Because your authentic desires, talents and dreams not only won’t fit anything society collectively labels as right or normal, they often won’t even make sense to you, in the best case. And they’ll scare the shit out of you, in the worst.
The art is to apply the same stubbornness and resistance to this process. To protect your dream, to not let go of it. To pay attention to your desires and accept them. You have them for a reason!
You just keep going. And know that there is no golden ticket. The Eureka formula of any person on the other side of the globe doesn’t mean much for the lesson you’ve got to get straight, for the mission you are on.
It’s like comparing butterflies with rocks. It doesn’t serve you, it only makes you feel bad.
You are fucking capable of rocking this roller coaster ride that is your life.
We must stop only accepting everything that’s pleasurable.
I, for example, found myself totally getting off on the feeling of humiliation. That was after I had done everything in my power to avoid experiencing it my entire life. I had never allowed myself to look at it, ask where it’s coming from, or explore it.
I used to suppress it, escape from it, be unwilling to face it and see the richness in what at first seemed to be plain ol’ mean humiliation.
There are so many juicy layers to it. It can actually feel like ecstasy if one drops their prejudices and embraces their feelings with curiosity and compassion.
I started playing with it and getting truly ecstatic, and if it doesn’t feel great, I am now able to still be with it, and feel it. My ego is going mad, but this terror actually feels strangely satisfying. It only took me my entire life to get to this point.
In this space of enjoying the dynamic of power and death of my ego, I suddenly felt free to allow myself to simply feel fully without judgment.
There are many other things that I’m still in the process of figuring and feeling out. This won’t ever get boring.
You have those blind spots too. We all have them.
The things we don’t want to feel.
Sometimes I call them monsters in the basement or shadow. That’s what they feel like. They are something that we don’t want to expose, that ought not be touched by light. Too painful, too ugly, too shocking, too dark and off.
Those things hold the keys to your true authentic superpowers. And as long as you keep them caged and push them away, should they rear their heads (which, of course, they do often — force creates resistance, and they want your goddamn attention and approval), they’ll keep haunting and sabotaging you.
Stop being so hard on yourself.
How? I can tell you what works/worked for me. I used to beat myself up until almost nothing was left of me… and then some more.
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That’s a spot where something cracks open and a shift can occur.
Seriously, I don’t recommend doing this, except if you’re similarly at home with extremes as I am. It’s exhausting, and I’m sure you have your own ways that work for you anyway — whatever does the trick for you.
But if you’re slightly as disobedient as I am, having other people trying to sell you their method will only ever partly work. The art is to find what works for you, to cooperate with your Self, and to realize that you are your own greatest teacher and confidant.
The deep work, the struggle and the inspiration droughts when you lose track, your voice and almost your mind — they are part of the process.
Taking shortcuts will just throw you back eventually, right in the thick of it, because the Universe doesn’t sleep. Cheating isn’t possible, my dear. I’ve surely tried.
And being a mess, having no clue, wading through troubled waters, almost drowning, is the experience that people whom you look up to actually made too. And it shaped them into the wise, successful, radiant beings they are today.
Nobody becomes a seasoned expert by not getting their hands dirty and only applying concepts and teachings of those who did the work.
You’re capable. If you don’t believe me, that’s okay.
You’ll believe and feel it when you’re ready. It’s a journey. And you’re exactly where you’re meant to be.
And if you ask: So what is it now that will save my ass? You promised to tell me!
Here it comes:
You will save your ass. You are your most potent medicine, and your saving grace.
Don’t be shocked. Let it sink in. It’s the truth. The only truth there is.
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Lina Boldt is a seeker, mentor and writer. She has a Ninja-warrior survival record, and can often be found in the thick of deep transformational work, which made her gain quite some expertise in breakdowns and breakthroughs. Her current mission is all about surrender, and she can’t live without chocolate. You can connect with her via her website or Facebook, where she also hosts a group for rebels and messy souls.
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