Write away Walls, Welcome Love in.
Sometimes we can’t help but let love in. Try as we might to make ourselves unlovable, love keeps showing up. You keep showing up. Again, and again, and again…
I really don’t know how you did it. Here you are, piece-by-piece dismantling the carefully constructed walls I built to both hide my ugliness and to prevent you from hurting me. You’re so gentle, and patient, and kind. I keep waiting for you to leave, but you haven’t.
I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of pretending that I’m better off alone. And most of all, I’m tired of missing out on the love that you are offering me.
I used to think that the love coming out of me was enough. I loved up the whole world with my big squishy heart. I cared for everyone who asked, offered support wherever I could, and used self-sacrifice in order to demonstrate the depth of my love. I felt strangely empty and alone.
I stopped letting love in a long time ago. My young, naive heart once believed that those who loved me could not possibly cause hurt. Fuck, was I wrong! From those moments of hurt, love became something to fear.
Trauma changes you. Past experiences of hurt, abandonment and rejection create the need for protection. For me, love from others became something to fear and distrust.
Over time, I came to believe that I wasn’t worthy of real love. Obviously, if they don’t love me, no one else will, I told myself.
The funny thing about questioning my self-worth is that it also brought up distrust in my ability to make choices and to listen to my internal guidance. I used to be so sure of myself. Before these hurts, I believed that my choices were a beautiful reflection of my soul guidance, and I saw every opportunity as an adventure of the spirit.
Now here I am — starting to believe that these adventures are real again. You are opening that part of me that I thought was lost. Turns out it was just waiting for love. Waiting for you.
You are helping me let go of past hurts. I am learning to see them for what they truly are — stories. I am realizing that the characters in my stories had their own stories, and their own reasons for making the choices they did. Their choices had no real relevance to me. I was also just a character in their story.
This awareness of the story is the key to my beginning to let love in again. I just don’t believe the stories anymore. So when those emotional triggers rise up, I let them. I look at them with fresh eyes, and watch as the beliefs that held them together slowly dissolve.
And when the stories go, there you are. On the other side of the release is you. Your presence, your acceptance, your love.
We both still have our own stories, you and I. And that’s okay. My awareness of the story is what matters. With this awareness, I can let go of my need to control your story, and instead focus on my own. Releasing judgment and blame means I am now free to be who I truly am and to express this without fear of rejection.
I feel my guidance, trust and joy returning. It’s still a process, and I can’t know what twists and turns will come up, but I do know that I can now choose how I write my story.
Thank you. Thank you for helping open my heart again, and offering me the love that I had shut out for so long. I am so very grateful that you are here with me. I love sharing my art with you. Together we are writing a beautiful new story that no longer depends on the beliefs of the past. Together we are creating a story of love.
Caroline Stewart is a lover of all things beautiful and authentic — the perfectly imperfect. She oscillates between her outgoing desire to spread love and compassion with everyone she meets and her deep-seated need for quiet and solitude. When not digging in her garden, playing dodgeball, or living in imaginary worlds with her two beautiful children, Caroline can be found curled up in the nearest sunny spot with book in hand and smile on her face. Caroline loves working on creative and transformative projects. Currently she is sharing inspiration through her business InspirED Me Learning & Coaching, which offers instruction in mind-body educational programs and business coaching services. You could contact her via her website, email or Facebook.