poetry

Halcyon Days of Drawing God with Crayons. {poetry}

It is night again
And I am scared
You always said there was nothing to be afraid of in the dark.
Today is your birthday
Last year we were tripping acid
Getting sunburnt
And loving each other
In the Monterey sands
John Steinbeck’s land
I was so happy the book store had every book written by him
You were so happy to be with me
You saw such goodness in me when no one else did
I told you secrets I swore I’d go to my grave with
And you told me you’d never noticed those things I hated
But then you did, and still searched for the good
It’s times like this, your birthday
When we are so many worlds apart
You on the other side of the continent
Me curled up in bed
When you would cuddle me and say that only fools loved women like me
But you loved me still
And no one could live with the nameless faceless insanity
But you lived with it still
And here I am, trying to draw God with a crayon

I don’t think anyone could have been as happy as we were
And now you’re gone, cause you chose yourself, and never is a reality
We will never get back those halcyon days
Of half-rhymes and beauty beats
Where it was you and I under the stars in great National Parks
Not knowing what to do with each other
Watching it slip through our fingers
Casting the net out to sea
Letting love die
Fate chipped away at the precious thing between us
I thought I’d never get over you
I promised myself as I clutched my face,
Two months of sobbing later,
That I would never love again
And even as I said it, I knew it was a lie
Because I must learn to love again
If not for myself, for you, for showing me how to love
And what it feels like to share my body and words with another
I must learn
I am still learning
Wishing I could learn with you
And I’m still afraid of the dark, of being alone, with only my feeble self
With all my demons, and no one to let in
No one to hold me close and touch skin
I hope you are learning to love again
I hope you have taken the good with you
And spun our sins to gold

When we said it was forever
I guess we were in that timeless, misty place
Where forever is a pocket of eternity
And we are still there, together, in forever
I hold that close to me, although it hurts
Hoping it will shine the pain away
You mean more to me than anyone has ever meant
You got in and left your mark
I doubt I will ever love again like we did
I doubt I will ever be so wild or reckless
You tamed me
And showed me there is more than just fearlessness followed by emptiness
You showed me there was good to be found in all things gentle and slow
You spun rings around me
And then you broke my heart
That was eight months ago, and I’m still not over it
I think I will carry the death agony of our relationship with me wherever I go
Because I cannot numb it, I cannot move on
Everything I do is impacted by you
And the way you left
And the lack of reconciliation
I remember watching my grandmother clip the leaves off flowers and say
You must be cruel to be kind
Your leaving is my deepest knowing of that
I’m a stupid, idealistic little girl
And I still miss you every day
I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to kiss you
But my body still knows
And yearns for it, only for you
Who knows me so well
All the things I never appreciated about you
I wish I could turn back time and love them
I was so foolish, so arrogant, so self-obsessed
That I didn’t take the time to get to know you
Our relationship was all about me
Like I lived with a secret
That I never took the time to unravel

Your leaving is still teaching me how to appreciate
What might be gone tomorrow
To try and let in whatever nourishment is available today
It was the end of an era
The end of childhood
The end of romance
The end of fairy tales
The end of my one true love
And I’m so grateful to have had that ending with you.

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LouisaJaneWestJane West is a writer, recovering alcoholic, life-coach and philosopher. She studied female sexuality and communication for two years (and then for the rest of her life). She likes sadness as much as she likes happiness, and the truth above everything. She likes quotations and believes in past lives, astrology and magic. She grew up in London and recently moved to San Francisco. Find out about coaching with her at her website.

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