poetry

Slow Stanzas of Release Through the Stages of Grief: A Triptych. {poetry}

 

Rose coral spirals ~ April 2oth, 2015

Ah, Life
your highs and lows
your ebbs and flows
your shadow dances
your tripping the light fantastic
you take my heart surfing in madcap waves
a surfer’s delight
a lifeguard’s fright

the undertow threatens while the high waves beckon
I crawl in my bed to get out of my head
out in the sun
where there is nowhere to run
but away
yet every away takes me with me
so the sun shines and I see

the sticky mud beneath the bursting-with-Life bud
there’s no denying the beauty in the blossom
the majesty of it all
the travesty of it all
and all the while
the waves roll in
coughing up
spitting out
the dead driftwood
the rusted metal
the lost and lifeless
then the waves’ tendrils take back the treasures of Beauty

the rose coral sea glass with smooth surfaces that wanted to be felt by my fingers
that perfect spiral shell that tells the story
of a moment in time

the footprints
all the footprints
washed away
I wish to make more
but all I do is sit on the shore
turning over and over that vanished rose coral sea glass through my mind’s fingers
as the sun lingers
then disappears
under a rose coral sky

’til it’s just I and me
and the sea

***

Moonbeam my Heart ~ August 28th, 2016

Wrap your moonbeams around my heart
Take my hand and set us soaring into the stardust
If for just a spell, stardust will do me well

I know we’ll need to land
The space from which I wish to soar will still be there
Heavy the air

Your flight breathes my feathers
The rush of air
Cradles my flight

When I awake
My heart still will be heavy. Holding.
Give me flight to ease the night

Share your Love that sees above
The views where, if just for a spell
I imagine all can be well

This new normal will breathe me in time
Until that time descends
I crave flight of my friends

Until that time
I cradle this heart of mine
And dream of stardust

Hold me tenderly
At this time of tender heartedness
or
Leave

and let me hold me

Get out of the way of not knowing what to say
Of not having the heart to choose words as art
Thinking or imagining how they may land

Should I wish to remain silent
Simply fly with my hand in yours
And soar the surf with me

Don’t blame me for tears
Silently speaking my fears
Don’t judge me for holding my words close

Don’t push me out of my nest
Where my soul craves rest
And to momentarily let go of all of the rest

Should tears fall, as I hope they will
There’s nothing to do but let them spill
For saltwater soothes until time wraps her moonbeams around my fingers

And I choose
How to hold this heart of mine
Through this time

***

Rocks & Shells ~ September 4th, 2016

I remember
I laughed hearing your laugh as you lifted my post-beach vacation bag
“Holy smokes! Did you pack rocks in here?”
A side glance with wide smiling eyes to my beach-combing rock-collecting mom

spoke the covenant:
No, let’s not confess that this is my rock bag filled with remnants of the island

I wished to bring the island back home

I remember
the rocks that brought sacred space to my bricks
Speaking to me of lighthouses
And sailing
And Cap’n Bill,
Who took over my dad when he set foot in his boat
Barking out orders
To us, his amused crew

I remember
gathering pennies every time we left the island
Throwing pennies overboard as the ferry sounded her horn,
curving around the Point
Each penny, a tradition of a wish to return
To that place
Not knowing that place that I longed for was anywhere with you

I remember
The sound of the fog horn
The rattle of the flag
The creak of old houses
The smell of the salt air
You perched in your chair

This daughter remembers
What you no longer can
This daughter clings to those rocks
Like waves to the shore

This daughter sees the very seashells that were wrapped safely on top

of the weight of the rocks in that bag
So many years ago
The shells that once held life now speak to me
Like the sea glass pulled back to the sea
I picture the creatures that crawled out of the shells

as they grew into needing new homes

Leaving the shell behind for our beach-combing fingers
And suddenly I understand heartbreak

To be me
Bursting the shell of my heart needing her new home
As grief grows
My heart knows she needs more space
She bursts at the seams
As she feels and heals
Needing more room for her heart’s core to expand
And breathe
And blossom
And hold
All
This
Love

Your daughter remembers

You watched me try navigate the world with pain in my young heart
You told me that I couldn’t go through life leading with only my heart
But
I think we both knew that there was nothing else I could do
For this is who I am
And at this, my hopeful midpoint in life,
I have done just that:
I have lead with my heart
And I do think you would be proud of me
If you remembered me
Which sometimes you do
But I know we both know this to be true
I have led with my heart.

Now that heart breaks, bursts, heals, feels and rebuilds herself in Coeur-age
Baby stepping, I crawl out of the cocoon of the conch shell

That Fear knows so well
Watching you descend deeper into the dementia
That takes over my dad

I call on the strength of that expanded heart

that holds
So
Much
Love

for you

and from you

Your daughter remembers
You
Holding you in her heart
That leads the way
To where we are today
You, who I see in the shell
Me, with the rocks that now help keep me here

Those rocks now reminding me to ground

in this body
Here to live our lineage.

***

TracyStamperTracy Stamper is a dancer at heart, in mind, of body, and with words. She is blessed and blissed to call dancing her profession, thanks to the transformational conscious movement form of Nia. She teaches Nia classes and offers Nia White Belt Trainings for fellow dancers at heart, in mind, and of body. Tracy lives in St. Louis in a home on a little hill, with a whimsical wind sculpture out front, and two crazy rescue beagle boy dogs and the two human loves of her life inside. Her current favorite colors are purple, orange and glitter. She likes her chocolate dark, her little bubble of a world Personalitics-free, her inspiration flowing, and her car dances to be uninhibited. You can connect with her on her website, Nia websiteFacebook or Shine siSTAR Shine.

***

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