Holding On, Letting Go, or So Much Bullshit. {poetry}
{source}
“Regard yourself as a cloud, in the flesh… Because you see, clouds never make mistakes. Did you ever see a cloud that was misshapen? Did you ever see a badly designed wave? No. They always do the right thing. But if you will treat yourself — for a while — as a cloud or a wave, and realize that you can’t make a mistake whatever you do, because even if you do something that seems to be totally disastrous, it will all come out in the wash somehow or other… Then through this capacity, you will develop a kind of confidence. And through confidence you will be able to trust your own intuition. This is the middle way of knowing that it has nothing to do with your decision to do this or not. Whether you decide that you can’t make a mistake, or whether you don’t decide it, it’s true anyway. You are like cloud and water. And through that realization, without overcompensating in the other direction, you will come to the point where you begin to be on good terms with your own being, and to be able to trust your own brain.” ~ Alan Watts
How many times
have I declared myself
to have crossed a line,
to have evolved
into a new and positive way of being
from which I will never fall back?
Many.
So many.
How many times
have I pulled this threadbare trick,
from my velvet, sequined bag,
as if to offer myself
a crumb of control?
Security, assuredness, control…
so much bullshit.
Will I announce, once again, that I have crossed a line of no return?
I imagine I will.
There.
No bullshit.
I am reminded of a cup I had as a small child.
On it sat a small brown bear holding a cup
with a picture of a small brown bear holding a cup,
with a picture of a small brown bear holding a cup,
with a picture of a small brown bear holding a cup…
oh, how I loved that cup.
It amazed me,
how it went on forever,
even where I could not see.
Oh! this searching,
this seeking,
this wanting to be free
from our struggles and limitations,
and all the ways we fool ourselves
into believing…
all the ways we miss seeing the cup.
Each of us,
sitting like small brown bears,
holding it in our laps,
doing our best to fill it,
fill it,
fill it up.
Until we die.
No bullshit.
At the meditation retreat,
I cried in the shower.
I cried for so much bullshit.
raw and exposed,
and feeling so close
to something real and constant,
I let loose.
I let loose for all my delusions,
all the games I play with myself,
the tricks I use to escape
my sadness and confusion,
the polished imaginings I hold
of the self I wish to be.
“Abandon hope,” they said.
A couple of weeks ago, I found this so threatening.
“Abandon hope?”, I said,
“What a terrible idea.”
But today, I get it. I totally get it.
Hope takes us out from loving what is.
Sure it can be visionary and creative, I love hope.
Yet somehow it is false.
So much bullshit.
Yes. Abandon hope.
Freedom may be found each moment,
as we live each moment as it is.
And sometimes we will get this
and sometimes we will not.
Sometimes I will be full of fear
to sing out loud before others,
and, sometimes I will simply say,
“Fuck it,
who the fuck cares?”
and I will sing wholeheartedly,
with total abandon,
butchering and beaming.
[youtube]D7CH9cRN8Rg[/youtube]
***
Enza Esperanza likes to think about space. She enjoys drawing, painting and writing poems about it too. Serenading space. Now that she has relocated to coastal Mexico with her nearly eight-year-old son, and ‘DudePapa’, she has more time to do these things. The idea of building a community cabaret dinner club is on her plate, but she is not hopeful about it. If it is truly meant to be, she will know it, give all she can, and it will be. Ultimately, Enza wants to encourage more and more of us to express our playful, dramatic, creative selves with purity of heart, not to worry so much about how we may appear. She wants us to ‘abandon hope’ and hug close the beautiful, individual truth of who we are right now.
***
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