Name the ‘It’ That You Long For and Let the Rest Go.
Last night I drove around for 45 minutes, contemplating alcohol as an acceptable antidote to my emotional state.
I felt anxious and alone and very vulnerable, and my brain was fixated on having a drink. My body was not in pain, nor particularly craving alcohol. It took me the entire 45 minutes to figure that out.
When I finally dropped into my emotional body to ask what she actually wanted, it became very clear that alcohol would be of no help whatsoever.
Comfort. Recognition. Creativity.
I immediately drove home, made a cup of my favorite tea, and hopped into bed with my favorite book. I cried, and I slept. I woke up puffy-eyed, but with no hangover and no regret.
I woke up to a piece of my power.
A few nights ago, I had a couple of drinks, and the next day I was completely exhausted. This may sound like no big deal to some, but I did it because I was nervous. I did it because I was sad. I did it because I didn’t want to be completely open and vulnerable. I did it because I don’t fully trust my capacity to live without it.
It is my addiction to pain, suffering, drama, conflict. I’m mourning the loss of my closest confidante and trusted ally.
In recognizing the cycles of pain-binge and their long-term impact, I not only feel the ever present sense of fear, doubt and anxiety, I feel completely untethered and lost.
Where do I go from here?
My friends, my trusted, reliable, intimate partners are not the comfort they once were. I don’t recognize them anymore. They have betrayed me. I want them to come back to me and apologize and never hurt me again, so that I can go on without this pain, this hunger, this anger that has no escape route.
It’s not appropriate for me to scream or cry or hit or punch or need or worry or doubt or wonder. It’s not okay. I should be stronger than that. I shouldn’t feel the way that I do.
I want to see my ex. I want to eat pints of ice cream in secret, and put all of my feelings into that one, sick feeling that will pass in a day or two. I want to go out tonight and finish a bottle of wine. I want to get infatuated with someone and think about them in every waking moment, so that I don’t have to think about how anxious I am about my life.
I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to be in transition. I don’t want to doubt myself. I don’t want to have to prove myself. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be in need. I don’t want to feel less than. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to feel ashamed.
I don’t want to carry my heart around like a burden anymore.
I long for connection and compassion and partnership.
I want a passionate relationship that floods my senses with enough sense to see/speak/move/act clearly.
I want stability and structure in my work, so that I can fucking let loose and get real in my work.
I want to transform and unleash the power of my heart into the ether, sing songs with it, chew on her echo, and embrace the victory of her sound.
Stacey Ramsower is a teacher, writer and artist living in Houston, TX. She has studied and worked professionally in the fields of theater, film, dance, Yoga, education and writing, and is currently exploring the wisdom of Ayurveda and Vedic Astrology. The impetus behind her work is recovery — physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. You could contact her via her website.