you and me

The Alchemical Antidote to Impatience.

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{Photo credit: Andréa Balt}

 

I’ve been really impatient… I have made things a drag that could have been quite fun. I have turned days torturous that might have been joyful.

I needed to learn how to manage my determination and drive. I could have accepted where I was at and the beauty it held, instead of focusing on where I yearned to be. I needed to go for process in order to then get product. I have not fully appreciated in the moment the gifts of past nows or the people that were sharing them with me.

I was worried that I wasn’t quite as ready, or perfect or ahead enough, as I thought I needed to be, to relax and let go into them. I have felt betwixt in a state between the old and the new, waiting to emerge, and not feeling done or complete on one side or the other.

My truth-seeking has been almost self-sadistic — for me and then others that I have leaked my own inner frustrations at. I get it now. And I realize that on a big level, completion doesn’t exist, beyond the point that we are already complete underneath all of the crap.

I do believe that I needed the urgency I was moved by toward my freedom and rebirth and getting to a greater place of self-knowledge, because before that I really struggled hard on a million levels, and I wonder whether I even could have made things fun from that place.

But, going forward, or even if I were to go back, I would tell myself to enjoy the journey more. Because moments are all we have. Moment after moment. And each one counts. And each one can be savored. And each one is gone before we know it. And all we really remember from life is how we felt at the time.

The alchemical antidote that I have identified for my frustration, impatience and waiting, is savoring, joy and pleasure.

In tantra, it’s all about following your pleasure, and when I was struggling to know my compass point within so that it could lead me through the dark forest I found myself in, I started to see it as a lantern — a lantern of joy that I could trust. I’ve struggled since to maintain following this when other things like my restless search for improvement have tried to take over. But I’m done with it now. I’m going for pleasure.

Longings are hard. We need longing — the seed of our search and spirituality. It can be magical. But it needs to be managed well, and not allowed to completely take up our life, because we can then end up missing all the presents and treasures and gifts that are offered through them daily.

One longing I have is for a man whom I can create a loving partnership with. In 2011, when I was single for the first time ever, and starting to rewrite my life from a new place, I wrote a poem to the man whom I wanted to meet:

Just float in the moat in the essence of my dream

A collaborative partnership, a love, a pair, a team

A two-part-strong community, held together by love

For life and for each other, nurturer within and snug-fit glove

But never oppresses or forces to conform

There ain’t no set criteria or some whack set-up norm

There is space for opportunity, peace and inner calm

An air of respect and wisdom not overshadowed by charm

I’ll caress you, aim not to stress you, water flowers, not bring crap

Never lose myself within you or hold you in a trap

I’ll be bold, right true to me, respect your different mix

Let’s trade specialties and get funky with tantrics

I’ll check my expectations, never keep you in a bind

Bring you inspiration, color, laughter, might just free your mind

You will not ever break me, I’m a strong warrior goddess

So don’t expect to own me or to keep me in duress

I do not want to dominate this, overshadow or control

So mate, you better hold your own if you’re to fill this role

I do not need a man, I just need you not to need a girl

To respect our independence, and not get caught up in a whirl

I don’t know who I’m addressing this here extract to

But hell, if and when you arrive, what a lucky man are you!

To be with me will be a treat, colorful adventure divine

But, until that day, my lover, I’m having a delicious time.

The thing is, I was quite new to spirituality, and my first, quite common, route through it was to bypass all the way.

I didn’t know that I was doing this until I had been f*cked over by it a million times afterwards, but anyway, the truth is, I didn’t have a delicious time after writing this, because most of that time was spent waiting, searching, clearing a lot of sh*t, and learning hard lessons. And, I didn’t know my own worth at all, as much as I wanted to.

But, I am at peace enough, and following my joy enough, now to enjoy that delicious time I promised myself back then.

I listened to a podcast the other day in which Danielle LaPorte talked about happily preparing for what we are longing for. She mentioned the paradox that exists, which I have experienced before, that when we actually let go of the longing and expectations for the future or something we want to enter our life, we then actually end up creating the space and match the frequency that is required to attract it toward us.

So, here’s to happily preparing… and savoring every delicious, joyful moment of it.

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louisalamornaphillipsLouisa Lamorna Phillips is a Freedom Writer at Wild Magical Freedom, and shares excavated treasures and adventures throughout her quest to live her own Wild Magical Freedom, here and now. She offers resources, tools, coaching, courses, classes, workshops, Yoga, shamanic healing and retreats to empower people to own their past and free their future… to be their present. Follow Wild Magical Freedom on Facebook and Instagram.

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