Look! Squirrel! {If You’ve Tasted One Nut, You’ve Tasted Them All}


Look! Squirrel!

King O. Jungle @therealdeal tweeted: Look! Squirrel!

Yes, sure she accuses me of being squirrelly, but She? She’s the real squirrel. A despicable squirrel at that. She’s more squirrelly than the squirrelliest squirrel I’ve ever squirrelled. And see, all that I have to do as King of the Jungle is tweet Squirrel! and everybody starts chasing squirrels.

It’s unbelievable, it’s really unbelievable, I could walk down that path to the fifth tree there, shoot a squirrel with a slingshot in broad daylight, and I wouldn’t lose any loyal royal subjects.

Broad daylight, it’s the best. I like broads. Why wouldn’t I like broads? I’m a healthy red-blooded CEO-King-Elect, red from head to toe, except during that cold winter when I was blue. And a red-blooded King is what this forest needs, and what is it that we need?

Those filthy squirrels all need to be blown straight to high heaven, that’s what, because they are, listen, They are a threat to the people, to good, decent people everywhere. Everybody knows that, I’m just the only one who will say it. Believe me, all this pandering to squirrels is over because I know all the best people, All the very best people, to deal with those squirrels.

And those squirrels simply need to be dealt with, swiftly and efficiently. They need to not be in our forest, and I know construction. It’s what I do. I can rig, squirrel-proof this forest, no problem, no problem.

This is our forest, and we’re taking it back. Those squirrels that come into our forest? They’re sneaking into nests that are rightfully ours. This needs to be handled like a well-oiled machine, and that’s why everybody voted for me. They know I’m the King to do it.

So many people wanted me to be King of this company country forest it’s just unbelievable. Unbelievable. My popularity as King of The Jungle is the hugest landslide of any monarch ever in the whole history of the Milky Way. There’s never been anything like it. Here’s what’s really amazing. The good squirrels? They voted for me.

Some whiny people, and even the whiners voted for me, are saying, “Oh, that’s not fair,” saying that squirrels shouldn’t vote, but in this forest that I am going to make the best forest of all forests again, every squirrel gets a say because squirrels are the ones who make a forest a forest. Yes, you know, sure I whined once, who hasn’t? But you’ve got to understand, that’s just what people do in the forest.

People sit around and whine. It’s just the way it is, it doesn’t mean anything. That’s ridiculous. Come on. Squirrels are squirrels, and squirrels talk squirrel-talk.

Everybody knows that squirrels are really just puppets for the tycoon raccoons. I’m in the best position to be friends with tycoon raccoons, and why should we not be friends with them just because they want to rip us to shreds? Raccoons are tycoons because they have the sharpest teeth. Sure, they might be stealing forest resources, but it’s just the law of nature, okay?

They’ve got the sharpest teeth. And all the sharpest-toothed tycoons are the ones who I surround myself with because they, listen, they know how to make deals, really good deals.

Look, look at this fine specimen of a squirrel right here. If she weren’t blood-related to me, I’d take her tail, yes, that gorgeous long, fluffy tail of hers, look, you have to say that that’s a fine tail, and I’d swing her by that tail round and round the forest. Squirrels let me do that — hell, they practically beg me, they beg me to do it. Because I’m King.

Trust me. Trust me, I love squirrels. There is no one who loves squirrels more than I love squirrels. I respect squirrels. I even let them vote for me. And they do that, they vote for me because they can see that I run successful forests. I’ve done it, like, thousands of times before.

I know more about forests than the forest rangers know about forests. I know more than the US Department of Forestry, and I know that you can’t drain the forest swamp, that’s a hoax created by the swamp people. Forests don’t have swamps, but squirrels? They don’t want to hear that. They have cesspools, and you have to put the best, the very best swamp monsters into the cesspool.

That’s what has to be done, and I am the one who can do it. That’s how the forest grows. We start producing more nuts right here in our own forest.

Look, it’s obvious that I know about nuts. I got more nuts than anybody. I collect ’em, okay? But just because I collect ’em doesn’t mean I have to sit around eating them every single day for eight years. Could be eight years, could be 18 if I lead the good voters through the term-limits loophole. Would you eat the same thing every day for 18 years? No, you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t eat the nuts.

You’ve tasted one nut, you’ve tasted them all, okay? And my nuts? My nuts are Much huger than your nuts or the next guy’s nuts or anybody’s nuts, even everybody’s nuts combined. They’re so huge, like, like, they’re just huge! Everybody can see my bigot (damn you, autocorrect) bigly nuts. You’d have to be nuts to not know that I am the bigliest nut there is.


tracystamper02Tracy Stamper is a dancer at heart, in mind, of body, and with words. She is blessed and blissed to call dancing her profession, thanks to the transformational conscious movement form of Nia. She teaches Nia classes and offers Nia White Belt Trainings for fellow dancers at heart, in mind, and of body. Tracy lives in St. Louis in a home on a little hill, with a whimsical wind sculpture out front, and two crazy rescue beagle boy dogs and the two human loves of her life inside. Her current favorite colors are purple, orange and glitter. She likes her chocolate dark, her little bubble of a world Personalitics-free, her inspiration flowing, and her car dances to be uninhibited. You can connect with her on her website, Nia websiteFacebook or Shine siSTAR Shine.


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