To the Lover Who Didn’t Know How to Be Loved.
I wish I could love you. I wish I could go into the deep unknown with you.
I do feel that you love me, I feel your love in the depth of my being. Yet there’s something that stops you every time.
Perhaps you don’t trust love, and that is why you fear her so. She rushes through you like a powerful wave that you are helpless to stop. You are mesmerized by her beauty, and feel an infallible sense of peace when you are close to her. But still you fail to trust her because you know that in one breath she can knock you off your feet and take you underwater.
It feels safer on the edge because she can’t reach you there. You don’t want to be out of your depth. I understand.
I know that you have purposely closed yourself off to loving someone else for so long and in that time you learned to fall in love with yourself. I can’t even be angry at you because I respect that you truly want to be alone and fulfill your purpose. I can’t argue with that.
My ego tells me to swim off without you, that I am better than this and that I deserve someone who can meet me at my level. Someone who not only wants to swim with me, but who would chase me to the ends of the ocean.
Then something makes me turn back around. I feel like your heart needs me. I have seen a glimpse of what happens when you let love in, your guard comes down, and it is beautiful. That feeling makes me want to hold on. I want to be your life raft to help you navigate the open waters.
I want to pull you in with me, for I believe that once you let go and dive in, you will feel true joy, and you will wonder what you were so scared of all this time. And we could swim together in perfect harmony, surrounded by love, beauty and all the things we’ve been looking for.
Yet even in saying this, I realize that you never asked me to save you.
I know that I can’t drag you into the water when you are not ready, because it will only weigh both of us down. Besides, each of our journeys are perfect in their own way, and it is up to us and us alone to decide when we are ready to jump in with both feet. Who am I to tell you what is right for you and when?
The truth is that I could tread water and wait for you forever. Is that brave or futile? I don’t know yet. If you asked me a week ago, I would have said that my faith in you in unshakable and that I would be right here with open arms whenever you are ready.
Yet I think that’s just setting us both up for failure. I could be, and in all likelihood am, waiting for something that is never going to come.
Then the reality sets in: I am loving someone who doesn’t want to be loved.
We are ships that crossed in the night, destined to cross but not to stay on the same course.
My only hope is that you will not wait too long before you give yourself permission to love again. You have a beautiful heart to share with the world, and I pray that you will not keep it locked away until it it is too late. The ocean is waiting for you, my darling, please don’t let it wait forever.
Amy Walker is a writer, deep-thinker and all round lover of life from Scotland. Amy has grown up in the Middle East, and has spent the last three years in Bangalore, India, so she’s a little exotic, but she’s still a nerdy introvert with a big heart. Currently navigating a pretty crazy time of transformation and the whirlwind of Saturn’s Return, she is on her way to conquer the USA with her writing, big dreams and cheerful demeanor. Find Amy on Instagram at @thezindagiproject to find out more about her quest to fall in love with life.