Love Transforms All Pain: Healing from Sexual Abuse.
Leaving the doctor’s office, I was barely able to keep it together. I could not get to my car fast enough. Desperate to be alone, I felt safe in my car.
No one could hear me if I needed to scream. No one could hear me if I needed to cry. It was my sanctuary, and I was in need of one at this time. The all-too-familiar feelings began to surface in my body, and I recognized the signs. I had been triggered.
Safe in my car, feelings of shame, hopelessness, grief, and rage all began to surface at once. Anger took its turn, and directed at the Universe, raged, “Seriously? Again? How many more times do I have to walk through this shit? Were all of those years of self-work for nothing? Will this ever be over?” And then shame took over as visions of working with clients through their own trauma flashed before me.
I began to feel like a fraud. How can I teach others how to heal if I am still experiencing all of this pain myself? And then came despair, and I allowed the tears to wash over my face the rest of the drive home.
The next week wasn’t easy. I began to experience flashbacks of my own abuse. Falling asleep became difficult as old patterns of feeling both nauseated and anxious at night were back. During the day, I would battle feeling several emotions at once, to the point of wondering if I was going crazy.
No matter how hard I wanted to escape my own reality, I knew there was only one way through all of this, and that was to surrender. With the support of my husband and close friends, I allowed myself to purge, until one morning I woke up and the sadness was gone. I surprised myself as I continued to have a good day. In that moment, I realized I truly had grown.
There may always be triggers, but I am strong enough to walk through the darkness without allowing myself to be consumed by it. By changing my perspective, I now use self-love and compassion to transform my pain.
The Energy Behind It All
If you have been sexually assaulted, the vibration of the trauma becomes imprinted energetically within your body. Emotions such as shame, fear, anger, rage, and vulnerability become stored in the cellular memory. Common places for these emotions to reside is directly linked to the place of trauma: your sacral and root chakras. These chakras correlate with the uterus, cervix, vagina, bladder, intestines, and rectum.
The body always remembers, so when we feel invaded in any of these areas, we may become triggered.
Triggers come in many forms. I have had clients tell me that they were triggered after having an IUD put in. Their emotional charge was high, and they cried uncontrollably the next few days. The body was triggered into remembering the emotional pain of something penetrating the cervix, and there was a direct emotional response.
Another client experiencing gastrointestinal bleeding had to participate in an anal exam in order to rule out hemorrhoids. This triggered my client, and the following week childhood memories began to present themselves. Emotions of rage and deep sadness followed. Childbirth can be another trigger for some. In some cases, the cervix may refuse to soften from suppressed fear, to the degree of needing a C-Section.
When you feel severe emotions, but you are unable to identify where it is coming from, that is a sign of your body releasing suppressed memories.
Triggers sneak up on us, and can happen anywhere. When you are triggered, suppressed memories of trauma rise to the surface. These memories are stored in layers, and are suppressed for a reason. If we were to rip off all of these layers at once, it would be to much to handle. Triggers allow us to gently look at what we are suppressing one body memory at a time.
Yes, it can be overwhelming, and it may feel as though you are reliving the trauma all over again. You may feel tempted to suppress this state of vulnerability with alcohol, drugs, sex, or other forms of disconnecting from your body.
It is critical at this time to share what you are going through, with someone you trust. If you don’t, the turmoil of emotions may leave you feeling crazy, depressed, and helpless. Triggers allow us to clear out what no longer serves us, and by talking about this, we add another dimension to the layers of healing.
The next time you feel triggered, allow yourself to see it as an opportunity to heal. By changing your perspective, you bring in a new awareness. Become the observer of your body, and send it love. Ask your body what it is ready to let go of, and what emotions it is trying to release. Perhaps you will be able to gather a few more pieces of the puzzle from the experience.
Allow these emotions to move through, and be your teacher as you practice patience and compassion with yourself. You are not alone, you are one step closer to loving yourself back to freedom. Love transforms all pain.
Andrea Kehler is a registered Acupuncturist, Reiki Master, and certified Angel Card reader. She combines her knowledge of both Eastern and Western Medicine in her practice as well as her gift of intuition. Having walked through the effects of sexual abuse herself, Andrea now offers tools of healing and guidance to others. She has years of experience supporting clients through trauma, empowering them to find their voice. You could contact her via her website.