you & me

Don’t Ignore Me: The Importance of Being Seen in a Relationship.

 

I am wearing a sleek black dress, high heel shoes, a pretty garter belt, and stockings. There are no plans of having sex tonight, but I did want to feel sexy in my own skin. Most of all, I wanted him to think I looked beautiful. When I walk into the room, I want his jaw to fall open, and for him to have a dozen fantasies cross his mind. Throughout the night, I tease with playful statements. Nothing. Nada! He doesn’t see me sitting in this car, wearing my heart on my sleeve, and wanting to be acknowledged. Really, for him to see that I am hurting, and a smile or hug from him, could fix a world of hurt. I am craving to be seen in this moment! The more I am ignored, the more my ego begins to make up stories about what he is thinking. I don’t verbalize it, but mentally I scream, “See Me!”

I like to break down the word intimacy  into “in-to-me-see” because, really, in any type of relationship, that is what we are craving at the core. As humans, we want to be seen and acknowledged. As female humans, I dare to say that we crave this even more. I hear all the time from female friends, clients, and family members the statement, “He just doesn’t see me…”

From a feminine perspective, when we feel our lovers are not seeing us, it can cut right to our hearts. This not only impacts our heart but also our minds, which, with enough time and lack of attention, will seep into not only other areas of the relationship but many areas of our lives.

When a woman isn’t feeling seen, then she is going to have a more difficult time orgasming or even getting turned on enough to have sex. She is going to begin to emotionally armor up, which eventually leads to the huge energy blocks I work with daily in my practice. Also, she may begin to find people in her life to make her feel seen and wanted.

This is when a woman begins putting her friends and other lovers before her primary man… or begins an affair. Women not being acknowledged by the people closest to them are likely to carry these feelings into their daily life and interactions, wearing down on their self-esteem and overall connection to themselves.

I dare say that it also hurts men when they believe they are putting effort into a relationship to hear the above words. Yes, some men may not be putting in the effort and aren’t trying to please their women, but that is a whole different “He’s just not into you” article.

The problem is that most men want to connect with their partners and do not want this chasm in the relationship. Oftentimes, they are clueless that there is even a problem in the first place. They want their partner to have orgasmic sex, be confident, and have free-flowing energy because in the end, they benefit from each of these areas.

Really, the burden falls on both parties in these moments. As women, we often believe that our lovers should just know. They should put together all the physical and emotional signals. They should energetically notice that something is off.

Men are often shocked when their women blow up on them and tell them they never appreciate them, or worse, find them in the midst of an affair and have no reason why she felt she had to find another man. Then they may finally wake up and realize they are not putting the necessary effort into the relationship.

Men: It is easy to get lost in the daily grind of problems and stresses. It is important to take time out frequently to appreciate your lover and to do something special with them. This does not mean it has to be an overly expensive evening, but just some time when you are not distracted by work, television, or kids, to really focus in on each other and connect.

Also, women, as a general rule, tend to need people to listen more often than solve problems. So it is always a good rule of thumb to ask what your woman needs in the moment, like “Honey, do you need me to listen or do you need me to help you figure out a solution?”

As a man, it is important for you to learn to stand in your masculine, but be attentive enough to recognize when your partner is struggling. This requires really tuning into your own intuition and asking questions if you feel something is off. Ignoring these signals and hoping things will go away will only make things worse in these situations.

Women: Men are not mind-readers and, as a general rule, not as connected to their emotions. It is easy to take one little negative interaction and then begin to attribute other actions in the same negative light. This is when it is important to check your ego and look at the facts. This does not mean you must invalidate your emotions, but simply get a little space to observe the situation.

Men usually communicate in a more direct fashion than females, and so if you are feeling hurt or want something more from your man, it is important to directly ask for your needs. Communicating your needs directly is you taking responsibility for your own happiness and desires. Your man is not responsible for “just knowing.”

If an interaction bothers you, then state that it hurt your feelings in the moment, instead of internalizing it, to keep these feelings from festering. Also, make sure you are taking time to “see” your man and all he does for you and validate his efforts. If his efforts are never being validated, then he will give up trying as well.

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AddisonBellAddison Bell is a local Tantric Practitioner, Experiential Sex Coach, and Body Image Expert. She is known for her fierce passion for helping others reach their life potential. Over the last 10 years, Addison has gathered a multitude of skills and knowledge and has integrated these modalities into her own Tantric healing blend. Addison has a Master’s in Counseling and has training/certifications in sexuality, body image, Reiki, and other experiential techniques. She is a raw and honest individual who uses both her years of experience and her personal journey to help people to move forward. Clients are refreshed by her open and honest approach to issues of body-image, sexuality, desire, and shame. Follow her on her website.

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