Longing to Be Alone in This World, with a Stranger I Love.
I fell in love with someone whom I had never met before.
Our relationship was based on solely on messaging and Skype-calling. In this 21st century world, that’s more of a relationship than most of us can handle. When it comes to having a long-distance relationship with someone you have never met, you need to make strides to succeed.
You trust that the love is real, and that if you can hold out just a little longer, things will be perfect and you can start your life together. Start that new chapter.
I held off, I put everything on the back-burner because that’s easier than letting him in. It took him some time to break through my walls, but when I did finally let him in, it opened a floodgate of emotions.
Suddenly we were telling each other everyday those three magic words: “I love you.” That this type of love is something stronger than everyone else’s because it’s not built on physical attraction, it’s based on the connection. I wasn’t a cold person anymore. I opened up, and fell in love with a stranger.
Our talks lasted hours, work was neglected, my heart beat at an entirely different rate when I saw his name flash across my phone. Putting pen to paper, I wrote to him how I truly felt.
“By the time you get this letter, it will only be like two more weeks before we can finally officially meet, and I can finally know what it is like to kiss you. This distance is unbearable. I see and do so much here, so much I know you would love to be there for, and yet you’re not beside me. I found this small card shop on a side street in the city. You’re the one I want to see it all with.
Truer words have never been spoken (or in this case, written). While I don’t know what will happen when I come home, I know that I love hearing your voice. I love seeing you write encouraging and loving messages to me. I love how I feel when I talk to you and how it feels to miss someone again. To want to try with someone again.
I love knowing that for even maybe a second, we are thinking about each other at the same time. That maybe our hearts beat in rhythm with one another. I know that above all, I’m scared, and yet not scared to put my heart in your hands. That is worth everything.
I can’t wait for the moment when I stand at the threshold of your life and finally get to reach out and touch your face. While time goes by so slowly it seems, I know in that moment it will stop completely. It will just be you and I, alone in the world.
I can’t promise it will be easy, because it won’t be. At times, it will be hard. We will struggle. However, nothing amazing ever came easily. The best stories are the ones written in blood, tears and laughter, and our story is just beginning.
It won’t be long now.”
I will never know what will happen. We will never meet. We will never get that embrace I always imagined we would. The one I pictured in my mind for months. The one where I step off the train and he’s standing there and I get to feel his kiss before even saying hello.
Distance and talking can only go so far when you can’t show up at their door with your heart in your hands and ask them to love all of you. Even the parts you aren’t proud of. Our love was strong, but it wasn’t strong enough. Now I am here, alone, waiting for my plane to take me to where we would meet. To where I thought our lives would grow together. To where I wanted to call home but now I only call a layover.
Distance does not make the heart grow fonder. It makes the heart grow heavy and weak. It implodes upon itself and lets go of all the What ifs we could’ve been. In the end, there is only you, standing alone in a train station.
Ali Chappell is a writer and actress, making her way back to Toronto from her travels across Australia. When she’s not enjoying the outdoors, she is usually found in a movie theater stuffing her face with popcorn. You could contact her via Instagram, Twitter or Facebook.